day 18: two of swords (deceit)

Y'all- I keep wanting to move faster with these cards than I'm going, but sometimes they are just really, really hard to figure out. This Two of Swords right here- I've been studying it for days. I typed the whole post last night & it just didn't... feel right? I was like, there's something I just don't get, ugh! So I put it aside & went to bed. In between dreams I kept having downloads that revealed the deeper meaning of the card, & I appreciated the info but then was lowkey irritated that my late understanding meant I had to write the whole post over again. I keep wanting to move faster than I'm being allowed to & it's annoying af. I realize  now all of these emotions & thoughts are part of the energy of this card - can't quite figure it out, slow down, take your time, divine timing, let it be revealed. Also, I had a mini-breakdown because this card really, really reminds me of my mother for some reason & brought up a bunch of shit I needed to deal with that I didn't know I needed to deal with; & the card that was chosen for tomorrow reminds me of my father (Seven of Wands) so I was TRIGGERED. In fact I thought I would post the two cards together but nah. My parents were never a couple so there's no point in putting them together now.

I also want to say that I really appreciate the work we're doing here bc to echo the sentiment a few of you have stated, it's... WORKING. I didn't expect that, ha! I've been so used to carrying the same emotional baggage for years that I'd given up on healing but here I am, against all odds, actually healing.  It's like being disciplined with your diet but then shocked when the weight comes off.  I'm getting emotionally & energetically skin-ty, ha! 

Dammit to hell this card is like my mom (& me). That whole paragraph above of sudden positivity while there's a whole 'nother topic being avoided. Fuck. Without further distractions, the Two of Swords:

Ok, so the Two of Swords is Moon in Libra, or the High Priestess (Moon/right) in Justice (Libra/left). Once again, the High Priestess (Moon) is the record keeper of all our deeds, lifetime after lifetime. She doesn't know what we should do, she knows what we're going  to do, because barring life-changing events that force you to... change... people are creatures of habit. The Justice (Libra) card is about relationships that balance out our karma & force us to see certain situations from the opposite perspective. This doesn't have to necessarily be a bad thing- if you give to others, then the Justice card guarantees a relationship where someone will give to you. But if you're a jerk face, Justice will bring you a matching jerkface. And if you're a jerk face who gives to others (which is more realistic), then you'll experience a relationship where you have to take the good with the bad, just like people have had to learn to do with you. 

So when you put these two energies together in the Two of Swords (intuition litty + karmic relationships), this creates the experience of subconsciously knowing what's going to happen in a relationship or situation because you remember what happened in a similar situation; except this time you might be on the opposite side. Because of the mysterious Moon (High Priestess) influence, the information about the relationship or situation will not be forthcoming. It will be as a puzzle put together, or a deeper understanding revealed. 
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Let's look at the card literally: 

There's a woman all covered up in white (all covered up the lie) sitting blindfolded (can't see the trail / can't see betrayal) on a stone bench. She holds two swords across her heart (you swore / cross your heart).  If you look closely at her face, you'll see red, tight lips (secret, tight lipped). Because of her double swords (double words), she can't stand up alone (can't stand to be alone), therefore she is stuck in her own the- seat (own deceit). Because of the way the woman is positioned (also the wool pulled over her eyes), she can't see the sea (can't see deceit) behind her. She can't see that the sea is too shallow for ships in relation to where she's sitting (two shallow relationships), but the fact that she can't hear waves directly behind her should help her realize puddles are gathered through the missing fields (put it together through the missing feelings). Because the seat's too cold (see who told), she can't have her figure out (can't have figured it out). She would have to remove her blindfold & turn to view (turned on you) the sea (deceit) in order to see the red earth mountains behind her back (she ran her mouth behind her back). Those mountains are heavy; their weight causes a sink in the field (sinking feeling). When you feel that way (field that weight / sinking feeling), it means the fact that the tide is high on fields (they tried to hide their feelings) is plain as day (plains wet today). Which is why the woman in white sits & holds shoulder (gets the cold shoulder) because no one is able to look her in the eyes.

Because of course there are two sides to every story (two knives to every shoulder). If you speak on one side (pick up one knife), there will come a day when you must pick up the other knife. And then you'll realize that for both sides, knives in air (life's unfair). Suddenly the red mountains (bad mouthing) will be at a distance behind your back. No one will tell you but you'll sense the puddles gathered (put it together). When that happens, will you turn to confront the source-of-the-sea (sorcery/ secrecy)?  Or hold each side (hold it inside)? When folks ask for gossip (got-a-sip?), will you point out the sea (tea)? Or will you keep your lips tight & your focus within so they can realize, DON'T GOT-A-SIP (don't gossip)! 

Don't got-a-sip, don't even look at the sea (tea). Let them puddles gather (put it together) on their own.

As the dew uncovers (as you do unto others), so shall it be done in view (so shall it be done unto you). 

I think the way this card is drawn IS the shadow side of this energy. I see someone remaining in a state of self-deception (wool over your own eyes) & refusing to face the source of deceit (the sea), blocking her mobility with the thought that there are two sides to every story (two knives to every shoulder). This is a highly psychic energy too, which requires the use of intuition & heightened senses because you have to "figure out," the answers that are staring you right in the face, if only you'll LOOK. On one hand, what's understood doesn't have to be explained- but on the other hand, what we resist, persists. Oftentimes we avoid obvious patterns & predictable outcomes because to acknowledge the inevitable, we'd have to admit the part we played in the situation. It's easier to say, they were out to get me (vulnerable), than to say, maybe I had that shit coming (accountable).
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I have a few Two of Swords stories/moments but for the sake of time, I'll just explain the major one:

It has to do with the circumstances surrounding my birth. My parents were never in a committed, romantic relationship. They dealt with each other at work. My mom was on a break from her married boyfriend & my dad had a longtime girlfriend who he considered a wife, but (according to my mother) he kept her a secret because he wanted to be polygamous & I guess "bae's at home," isn't the best icebreaker. So they were both kind of using each other. She got pregnant with me & she wanted to get an abortion, but he'd been trying for years to get my step-mom pregnant & she'd had a bunch of miscarriages, so he begged my mother to keep me because that would make me his first child. She claims that she didn't know about my stepmom until either very late in her pregnancy or after I'd already been born. She said she was very hurt by the realization (even though her presence had been breaking her boyfriend's wife's heart for years). My stepmom got pregnant soon after I was born & instead of miscarrying, she gave birth to my sister who's 11 months younger than me. My mom told me she still had to see my dad at work every day, & one day he cornered her in the hallway & asked her where she had gotten her bras when she was pregnant with me, because my step-mom's boobs were getting huge. My mama said that's the only time she ever screamed on him (yes, at work). She said it was pretty out of character for her, because NO ONE at their job knew they were messing around, to the point that folks didn't realize they'd had a kid together until they separately announced to mutual friends that their newborn child's name was Oubria. It was only because of the uniqueness of my name that folks realized they were talking about the same baby. Now that's what my mother told me. 

My father tells it differently. He says my mama been knew about my stepmom because he wanted to be a polygamist like "the Africans," & he wanted to make sure everyone was on board. He, my mother & my stepmother all agree that at some point my dad approached them about buying a three-flat building together where they could all live together- with me my mom, older sister & me in one apartment, my dad in another, & my step-mom & younger sister in the other. My mom said she refused because, she didn't want her daughters to think it was ok to share a man. Meanwhile, huh?!? Y'all already shared him?? & He was a rebound from the other nigga you shared?? As an adult, these answers make no sense to me, but I have had to put it together. 

Also, how can she say she didn't know about my step-mom when my step-mom had lived with my dad off & on for years before my mom came on the scene?? If she went to his house, she would have seen my step-mom's stuff, & if she didn't go to his house, she knew why you couldn't go (or at the very least this would have raised a red flag). But as someone who had been sneaking around for years with a whole-nother married man, it does make more sense that she knew & also knew how to keep a secret. Also, sometimes folks have threesomes or swing, or whatever, & that is not something they're going to want to admit to their kids (understandable).

My dad claims he & my mom had stopped messing around for months but then a friend of his unexpectedly died in mid- January 1980. He was sad, but (typical Virgo) he wanted to work on his resume & my mom agreed to help. One thing led to another, & boom, pregnant. Then they said that she went into premature labor with me in July, & she was put on bedrest.  They said my original due date was September 3rd (my dad's bday) but that I came late on September 7th. That story used to make sense to me but now that I'm a mom, I know a full term pregnancy is between 38 to 40 weeks. My parents were positive that I was conceived in mid-January but that I was born full term in early September. Um, no. January conception = October babies. So I must have been conceived in December, & my mama's 35th birthday was December 10th, 1979. LOL. But I didn't put all this together until after she passed away so I guess she took the info to her grave. My whole life I would have these moments of suddenly feeling like one of my parents wasn't my parent but I could never put my finger on it. I still can't because when I brought it up (with receipts) to my dad & aunt (mom's sister), they gaslit tf outta me. It's frustrating & I give my whole "backstory / birth story" a side eye. 

Also, just like in the Two of Swords there was always this... emotional distance...? (scene's distant / seems distant) between me & my mother. When I got grown I joked that she was more like my "Aunt Mom." But wouldn't that make sense though, if she lied to me about something as fundamental as my birth?? I observed that my mother was a genuine, loving person & if you're genuine, it's hard to be all up in the face of folks from whom you hide big secrets. 

Ugh. She loved red lipstick too. (see red, tight lips / secret, tightlipped)

I know I seem like the "victim," in this story & I chose this one bc it was bugging me the most, but please believe I have other stories where I definitely gossipped, or cheated, or lied  & betrayed, & my karma came back & hit me square in the face. 

What's y'alls Two of Swords?

P.S. It just hit me that the water in front is receding. So if this is about deceit (the seat / the sea), then it is also about "the seed." The seed of betrayal. Which means that as the water recedes, it "re-seeds," meaning the original seed (sea) spreads & grows. One lie births another. WOW, dang.