day 20 & 19: eight of cups + three of wands: seeing it for what it was

12/13/2020

I love y'all. I love this work. I love how you show up for yourselves & for each other. (btw)

Today we're going to do a 2 for 1 with the Eight of Cups (Saturn in Pisces) & the Three of Wands (Sun in Aries). I'm going to move through it kind of fast, but that's the vibration of these particular cards, I'm learning.

This Eight of Cups is a combination of the Saturn (the World) & Pisces (the Moon). Saturn (the World) is the pressure & protection to complete certain generational cycles in order to carry familial karma into bigger & better things. Once again, Pisces (the Moon) is the long dark road through the depths of your soul where you face your fears & move beyond them. When you put these two cards together, you get someone who is no longer afraid of the Big Bad Wolf. This is the experience of not being scared of the dark to the point that you are the thing that goes bump in the night, because you've grown confident you can figure it out & keep it moving.

Now let's look closely at the Eight of Cups:

The first thing I notice is that this person is elderly, yet on the move (climbing hills?!) no less. It doesn't matter how long it took them to get started, they are determined to see it through because they are the missing cup (aren't messing up). Slow & steady wins the race. Some people might avoid this particular walk because it's two lakes through hills (too late to heal), but that's crazy. As long as you understand that no matter how old you are, you have to right foot hill (the right to heal) & you if you put effort into putting your heel in (healing), then you're headed in the right direction. The only question though, is whether this person will ever return from whence they came (since their back is to where they left)? Now that they're healed of the past, will they continue to move on the lawn (moving on?) Or will they one day red-turned back (return back)? Especially since they've leaned on a stick for themselves (learned to stick up for themselves). And technically, does it even matter? There's hills up ahead (healing ahead) & there's hills behind (healing behind). When you're on a hilly (healing) journey, wherever you find yourself becomes an opportunity to elevate & grow.

Which brings us to the Three of Wands (Sun in Aries). Notice how we move from a card with Moon overtones into a card that represents the Sun. But wasn't it time? If we look back at the Eight of Cups, notice how the Moon is drawn as both a quarter moon AND full moon. So many phases of learning to live in varying shades of dark. Finally, with the Three of Wands, we emerge into the light. (Still with our back turned tho, interesting...)

The Three of Wands is a combination of the Sun & Aries (the Emperor). The Sun represents the joy of our soul (& spiritual gifts!) upon completing a prison sentence in healing darkness. The Emperor (Aries) represents the most primal, powerful (yet slightly undefined) part of ourselves that executes a master plan to get us where we want to be (& the bravado to figure out the rest). So as simple as the Three of Wands looks (1 + 2 =3, yeah?), somehow it's not exactly that simple. This is when we realize that ideally isn't the same as actually. With the Sun + Emperor combo, you've just inherited a brand new spirit, who then has to figure out how to handle the things your old spirit consciously (& subconsciously!) asked for. It's like being pregnant & having to eat all the foods you craved last week lol. But do you even want that stuff anymore??

Let's look closer at the Three of Wands*:
*(First let me say that this card + the Three of Swords were the only two slightly changed from the original Rider Waite. Typically the Three of Wands features a man focused on ships coming in from the distance; however Julia interpreted the ships as hands in the water, & changed the scene from a man expecting ships to a man watching people drown. I personally interpret the hands as our ancestors who jumped overboard from slave ships waving hi to let us know that no matter how hard it gets, life goes on).

We have a man facing out to sea (see). There are two older wands (old wants) standing behind him, & his hand is wrapped firmly around his new wand (new want). He received his old wands (old wants), but with his back turned, one can assume he doesn't want them anymore. He didn't expect to not want what he used to want either; this twist of fate took him by the sun rise (took him by surprise). Whoever is watching his turned back can see his open red cape (he hopes you're ok), but it's also clear he's not about to turn around to find out. There's no more night sky (no more nice guy). The Emperor has become ruthless with his desires. With the bandage come down from his eye, he can finally see the light. He can clearly see what he's looking at. In the distance, mountains in the sea (mounting certainty) that if he waits long enough, he'll see the sun (see the ONE). There's only one wand-on-his-arm (only one he wants on his arm). It's sad that some wands (ones) are left behind but that's just the way it is.

When you put these two energies together (Eight of Cups + Three of Wands), you have a couple scenarios:

1) You've healed (at long last!) from certain situations that used to drain your confidence, because now you've learned to stick up for yourself! You return to those situations (Eight of Cups) only to discover that those folks can't break you like they used to because... you can't be broken like you used to. Yet your indifference & independence is like a magnet that makes the past person/people suddenly desire you, because they are craving the opportunity to reject you. (Three of Wands) Yet they are also repelled & irritated because your new found confidence is denying their fix. So as badly as they want to embrace you (to reject you), they punish you by turning their back instead. Ignoring your presence is the only way they can exert control. (I don't wand you anymore, because you've gone too far on your hilly journey.) Which, if you're not completely healed can trigger you into trying to get this person to turn around & acknowledge your healing (I don't care that you don't care, see?!?!) , not realizing that the very act of getting them to notice you is setting you up for what they really want, which is to suck you in again & reject you again. Game, set, match, you lose.

and/or

2) You've healed (at long last!) from situations that drained your confidence & instead of returning to old trauma bonds to show off your new soul, you MOVE ON. (Eight of Cups). From your new perspective (Three of Wands), you literally see the light & realize that there are no relationships to save, because they're dead in the water. Yes, the dead can communicate (hey, just checking on you, ain't heard from you in awhile), but you dare not step one foot off your hill (healed) to help a dead thing that only wants to suck you in. By not playing the game (at all!), you win.

Here's my Eight of Cups / Three of Wands Story:

This has to do with the boy/man from my five of cups story, the one who I thought was my "twin flame," & tried to go back to over & over during the last 22 years. Our relationship is very karmic, & any attempt at resolution dissolves into a predictable, unwinnable argument called "but I only did that because you did this."

During my marriage, he was the third person in our bed. Either I was trying not to think about him (which meant I dreamed about him), or I was only talking to him a little bit (which meant he was asking to see me), or I was talking to him ALOT (which meant me whining & fussing about him ghosting our conversations to remind me that I'm the married one but he's single af), or we were (very rarely) planning meet-ups with lots of sexual tension (but no actual cheating!) while my husband called my phone back to back to back to back to back to back, in tears. (I know, we're terrible people)

Anyway, finally everything came to a head in 2019 when I became serious that I really was leaving my marriage, & I wanted to BE WITH HIM. Suddenly the games got real because there was a realistic possibility that we could have a grown-up committed relationship with accessibility & accountability. I was ready to do the thing we'd only hinted at for years, which is re-write time, fix the past & become a couple again (thus making things right with the world). I was so, so stupid lol

In October 2018 I flew through LA on a layover on my way to visit family in Atlanta. (He lived in LA). I went to his apartment & we... did... it. We hadn't done... it in about 20 years because I was adamant that I didn't want to cheat on anyone. But since my marriage was unofficially/officially over, well... you know. So then I had all these expectations for what was going to happen next because I'd been sleeping with the same person for at least a decade, & my thoughts about the "meaning of sex," were pretty major. He on the other hand had been single-ish all that time & treated it like just a fuck (which I now realize is a thing lol).

In April, I went back to LA for three weeks because I was having a nervous breakdown (another story for another day) & thought it best to pay for overnights in a Korean Spa (only $30/night) with non-stop steams, & soaks & quiet before I lost my shit & someone had to lock me in a padded room. I saw him twice when I was there, & I think the fact that I was around kind of shook him up because I clearly expected a relationship or at least to discuss the possibility. I expected to be able to stay at his house at least a couple of the nights I was in town but he was like.... um... no. I wasn't self-aware enough to recognize the extent of my hot-messiness (because I'd been isolated in a very dysfunctional world for a while). We were intimate one time on my trip, but it was then that I confirmed what I'd suspected when we did it in October- we were no longer sexually compatible. We were new people trying to fulfill an old dynamic & it just wasn't fulfilling anymore. But I didn't know how to accept that without somehow blaming myself, so I ignored it (that's ok!) & leaned heavy on the emotional connection (I still love you!). He went hella cold on me. Even though I felt rejected & sad, I didn't blow his phone up or chase him or do any of the shit I used to do to unintentionally stroke his ego & make him feel good about rejecting me (which I guess, would have made him talk to me more). I minded my business, took lots of walks, ate good, soaked good, slept good, made out with a stranger (again another story), tanned good, lost a few pounds & acquired a glow. He happened to text me right before I was supposed to fly home & we went for one last walk, where we had a small argument that erupted into a big deal, & he stormed out & left me sitting by myself in a bar. He lived in the apartment building above the bar so I calmly went to his apartment & was like -hey, can we finish our conversation? But I wasn't crying or upset like I'd normally be. He let me in his place & gave me the silent treatment while packing an overnight bag (made a big show of putting in condoms) & went to leave. I remember saying, dude, do NOT leave your apartment, what the hell, I'll leave, & we both scrambled for the door trying to be the first to walk away from each other. I haven't seen him since & we've only talked a few times. Neither of us called the other on our 40th birthdays (we don't miss birthdays, especially not big ones), which were a month apart earlier this year.

The last night I saw him, I pulled a tarot spread before we met up to see what would happen & the card in the outcome position was the Three of Wands. I understood he was going to turn his back on me but after today's post I realize why he had to. For us, it's both scenarios I described above. I wanted to flaunt my healing (because I secretly wanted him to care), but he only likes me when he can reject me & make me boost his ego by chasing him. Also (& this has been the hardest for me to accept), he doesn't wand (want) me anymore. (& truthfully I don't want him either, but I miss the me I was when I did want him, if that makes sense??) Our relationship is a dead thing in the water & he was honest enough with himself not to wade in & pretend it could be salvaged. But I was not able to be honest with myself at the time (which made me the dead thing waving from the water).

Where I once was blind (behind), now I see (sea).

Gotta move right (or get left).

Either way, it's a new day.

What's y'alls Eight of Cups /Three of Wands?

9 Comments

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all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

Cadi

12/18/2020 04:45:14 am

"The Pattern" app says I've started a new pattern, I'm letting go of the past. I agree: I feel less and less guilty about not talking with family members who are negative nannies, especially ones that I love, like my youngest sister. I've decided how I will communicate (via text) and when. I definitely don't want to chat on the phone with.

Family is the first ones who think they know you. But as a Black Sheep, they really have no clue. That doesn't stop them from pinching me in a box. I'm releasing all that. I'm taking all this Scorpio in my natal chart and changing how I view my role in this family.

Grateful that my life coach told me that 2020 would be a year of transformation, especially in my family.

I feel my relationship with my Mom softening. Last week I told her about my fast, me being awarded money!, and how I'm living my life on my own terms! I felt alot of the resentment and restrictions I've felt in the past melt away. She was so happy for me!

Tanasia

12/18/2020 03:22:45 pm

It feels so good when you let go of who people think you should be and just decide to live for yourself. It's beautiful. Keep going sis.

12/18/2020 03:21:02 pm

Adjusting from being in a relationship for 15 years is tough. I mean...real tough. A few years ago, I couldn't have imagined my life without Gary. He was my all...even above The Most High (tough to type but it's my harsh reality). I often ponder why I had to lose everything to find TMH, and then myself, but the journey has been beautiful nonetheless.

Healing takes time. I've sat and pondered over everything, and one thing I realize, The Most High is jealous. Yes, He blessed the man that I was with because He was preparing me to live the life I live now. Grooming me to be the wife that I am now. Most of all, He wanted me to get away from anything that is blocking my journey back to Him.

Where I was once blind to my reality, my eyes are now open and I see the future clear as day. I see the promises and the blessings of The Most High, and they were not included in the plan that I was subscribing to, but this new life that I now have. He removed the person who was not worthy of my light and replaced it with true love, peace, and understanding. I once was blind, but now I see. I'm moving right because I definitely don't want to get left.

Kelsey

12/18/2020 06:11:10 pm

Funny--since I’m traveling backward through this blog at the moment, I’ve just gone from a card in which the energy is “hard to see” to this one (seeing it for what it was). It’s certainly easier to see when we’re looking back at the past versus trying to see into the future, but I guess that’s a hint, because when it comes to Shadow work, it’s all about the past.

This card combo is helping me see an inner conflict I’m struggling with right now, particularly in my relationship with my husband. Much earlier on in our relationship, I definitely did not know how to remain upright and stand up for myself. I would shut down in the face of his wants / needs. Along the way, and with support, I have learned to communicate, hold boundaries, and bring some fierceness behind my own wants / needs. I’ve gotten pretty good at this! (to the point where my husband once told me that I’m too much of a fighter to ever be completely steamrolled by his desires). Now that I’ve learned to do this, I have no interest in going back.

What I’m realizing now is that the next growth edge for me is how to balance holding my boundaries to fight for / take care of myself during times when hubs is drowning and (needs support) waving his little hand at me from under water while I’m up on my hill-top tightly gripping the new wand I worked so hard for.

For example, on Wednesday, hubs mentioned that he’s feeling pretty low about the holidays / end-of-the-year, and that he wants to create some type of celebration that will mark this time for him (with joy). This is typical for him--feeling low and then wanting to do something to flip it and feel joy. Usually involving social situations and needing my help to plan. This is all fine and good, but what gets me is the DESPERATION motivating him and I get upset about how it seems like he just wants to avoid it AND needs my help in doing so. So. My first reaction is then, “Oh hell no. Ain’t nobody got time for that! I’m about to have this baby in February and I don’t need to spend my time trying to figure out how to have a “party” during COVID lockdown just because you don’t know how to find your happiness from within and need the external fix.” I didn’t actually say all of that exactly, but it was definitely in the energy of what I did say. So then we fought about it and I’ve been in a super bah-humbug mood since then. Totally bummed out when this is typically one of my favorite times of the year. FUCK! I fuckin’ fell in.

Dela

12/19/2020 02:37:07 pm

Seeing it for what it is.

I see this pair, as walking away from the repressed shame and vulnerability of my lineage's Divine Femininity.

Here is my story... a couple of stories I guess jumbled into here.
I was a preteen, and I was wear a shirt that we used to buy at Forever 21. On the shirt it said "Nothing To Wear." I was so stoked to have purchased 2 of these shirts. The only thing is, they were super tight on me. And as a kid, I started having boobs at age 10. So by the time I was about 11/12, My boobs were pretty full. So here I am wearing this shirt. It was hugging my curvy body. It took me a lot to be confident to be in that shirt and with my body. I was always self conscious about my big boobs. I thought they made me look fat. And so I'm wearing this shirt and I'm outside in my backyard playing basketball (I was such a tomboy, but that's another story) and my mom sees me outside and she goes "What are you wearing!? That's too tight on you! Go change into something else!" I was so confused... I was like... ok... so it's bad for me to show my boobs... got it... ok.... ((Seeing it for what it is now)) I know she was protecting me. What was I gonna do if I caught a guys eye and he asks me for favors? Will I be able to communicate "No?" No, because nobody ever taught me... I was just told to hide.

And this went on throughout my childhood into high school. Being shamed by my parents for wearing a 2 piece bathing suit, not being able to be in my *just* my underwear in my own space, not being able to wear skirts.... Just basically suppressing my interest in showing my femininity, my body, my curves.

I'm seeing it for what it is now. It was protection. It was known that my curves are powerful and I needed to learn how to wield that power so I'm not taken advantage of or use it foolishly.

Cheryl

12/20/2020 09:25:08 pm

It is funny that this came up right after I wrote about letting folks go in the previous post. I think my conditioning to “be nice” “be smart” ‘be small” “don’t make waves” are finally dead things in the water that I don’t need back. As for the ancestors – include the many new ones that got added in 2020, I am OK with them waiving every now and then because I have found that even though we may have had challenges in life, when they come back in death it is all love and protection. It is as if the ghosts want to make amends, so I just smile at them and reassure them that it is all OK now and they can rest. No need to worry about me.

LMP

12/21/2020 08:45:50 am

“People of whiteness: Not everything is for your consumption. While this world definitely caters to your comfort, not everything in this world is actually *for* you. The sooner y’all can get out of the colonizing mindset that barges in on everything, demands special attention, and takes without consideration, the better off we all will be.”

This post was by Ally Henny on FB and along with many educational comments, sums up an important part the shadow work I am accountable for as a white person, that was re focused in my attention specifically by these two cards.

12/25/2020 09:57:39 am

In 2008, I was 27 when I went back to school for my second degree. I had started dating my son's father a year earlier and he was not happy about my decision to leave to further my education (story for a different day). While at school, I met a guy who was the same age as I was and we connected because we were older but still involved on campus. He was very clear in relaying his desires but I kept it strictly platonic out of respect for my relationship with my son's father. After graduation in 2010, college friend and I kept in touch via social media, texts, and sporadic phone calls. My son's father and I officially, for the last time, broke up in 2016 (when we found out I was pregnant - again, a story for a different day). I stayed single for a while because I needed to figure out how to be comfortable being alone and how to be a mom. College friend contacted me for a dinner date in 2018 and I accepted. He lived an hour away from me but I told him I would meet him in his home town. At dinner we discussed the demise of our respective relationships and talked daily thereafter. Through our conversations, I could tell he wasn't over his ex (I'm not sure that I was completely over mine, either) so we became listening ears for each other. We starting dating about 6 months after our initial dinner but something just wasn't right. He was very attentive and caring but he also told unnecessary little white lies. Also, we were not sexually compatible...like NOT AT ALL! A few months after we started dating, I told him I would be leaving the country for a week for my family's annual vacation and I would not be accessible by phone. When I left, he called everyday, multiple times a day, sent texts and left voicemails. I didn't respond because I had turned my phone off. When I got back to the States, all his messages came through. I called him...no reply. I called and texted the next day...no reply. I left a voicemail (which I NEVER do) on day 3...still no reply. So I left him alone for a week. After two weeks passed, I texted asking if there was a reason why he hadn't responded to my messages. He FINALLY responded saying he was calling and texting me while I was on vacation and since I didn't respond, he thought I had found someone else. I was LIVID! I had no reason to ghost him like that and I couldn't think of a reason why he would say that! I called and told him what I needed to say, which wasn't a negative conversation but it was very honest. We haven't spoken since that day. He will sporadically send a text saying "Hi", to which I would respond "Hi" but there's nothing else said afterwards. I stopped responding to him about 6 months ago. To this day, I'm not sure why he ghosted me. I'm too stubborn to ask and he's never offered an explanation.

Ruth

1/7/2021 09:05:11 am

I have been abandoned so much, that I'm afraid of being the one to abandon others, so I stay, and keep relationships, taking pride in pretty much never blocking people.

I took a break from FB, for a year and a day (that turned into it being like a week or two longer than that), and when I came back and started talking to someone I had known on FB for several years again I realized just how much that man disrespected me. I didn't see before. And still. I tried. Over and over again.

By this point I had had some good therapy, and was in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I used one of the skills taught in order to communicate without blaming him what was hurting me, and all he did was get meaner and meaner and meaner.

And then I blocked him.
But I still was friends with him on his other FB account, and I didn't do anything about that one, just in case he learned his lesson. But no. He hella disrespected me while I was out of town on a business trip (leveling up my massage skills yo!) and I was like WTF, I told you I was out of town, and that was it. Block.

And sometimes I still want to unblock him, thinking maybe it's been long enough, but really, no, it will all just be more of the same. And I don't need that shite.

40 days
of shadow work