day 26 & 25: ace of wands + five of wands (grace)

12/7/2020

Peace family! Today (& tomorrow) we'll be playing a wee bit of catch-up with two posts in one. I hope that's ok. :)

Without further adieu, the Ace of Wands.

Now remember, all the Aces represent the root power & infinite potential of their element. Wands represent fire / energy / spirit, so the Ace of Wands is the battery in our back, so to speak. This is the energy that defines what we do (action) & why we do it (spirit). Notice the wand is being handed into the frame with the right hand, which signifies action, or expression. This means that just like our cups overflowing, our energy/spirit is a release. Doesn't it look like the wand (fire) enters the picture on a cloud of steam? Letting off steam.

So how are we meant to let off steam, aka express our spirit? If you look at the very front of the foreground, you'll see a small, still body of water. It looks like a lovely place to cool off. I was studying the picture trying to figure out how someone could logistically find their way out of that creepy, dark shadowy place into the green pastures, to even reach the still water when suddenly I realized, the whole thing is a visual description of the setting in the 23rd Psalm, peep:

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; he leadeth me on the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod & staff comfort me."

Wow! Ok, so the Wand- which looks exactly like a "staff," is the comforting spirit of the Most High, always with us. As long we "shall not want," or replace our ego desires with the desires the Most High has placed within us through His spirit (or whatever you believe animates your existence), then we will always find ourselves led out of the valley of those awful shadows (shadow work, hey!) back into the peaceful pastures to let off steam in the cool waters. The reasons why people need to "let off steam," is typically due to frustration or anger at believing our desires / actions / intentions have been thwarted or re-routed. In other words, we tend to get pissy when things DON'T GO OUR WAY. However this card is saying we need to give up OUR way (shall not want) & trust the process. I know it's not as easy as it sounds but the key to successfully giving up our way is in the picture as well. You see how that house up on the hill, back in the shadowy place? See how the house has all those flags flying indicating victory? Evil stays winning, with more space, more rooms, more money, more clout. But notice all that status & structure is in a dark, cold place, yet, there is freedom, & light & peace downhill. We must allow ourselves to be humbled & lowered through acknowledging that we'll never get higher than that awful house on the hill. In terms of height, they are the most high & we are the most low. Therefore we submit to the Most High, acknowledge the truth of the situation & stop fearing "evil." As soon as we do that, we are led down the mountain like sweet little sheep, & given all the time in the world for graze (grace).

Ok but everybody (myself included) ain't always able to submit to the will of the Most High. The Ace of Wands is basically saying the best way to express our spirit is to subdue our wants (ego desires) but dammit that ain't easy! Issa struggle to be honest (which brings us to the Five of Wands...).

The Five of Wands (Saturn in Leo) is the combination of Saturn (The World), which is about difficult generational lessons that birth new ancestral cycles, & Leo (Strength) which is about the EGO, or learning the healthy balance between forcing our own way or submitting to a higher authority. When we put these two energies together in the Five of Wands, it creates the experience of realizing the hard way (like our parents had to realize before us) that we don't know every damn thing. Ugh.

Now let's look at the Five of Wands literally:

The first thing I notice is that it screams chaos. Folks feet are tangled up & their outfits are the same but different, so you can tell they possibly tried to coordinate but it just ain't working out. Instead of being of one accord, everyone's feet are going their own (their own=they're wrong) way. But with their right arms/wands raised (right raised=right way), most of them believe their way is best. They're all-up-in (opinion) each other's faces about it too, & those that agree stick up (sticks up) for each other. A couple of people are trying to take their sticks (took sticks = toxic) away & if we look closer, we see the toxic ones are the two dudes who do not have their rights raised, a.k.a. not doing things the right way, i.e. not following the plan AT ALL. The first toxic one is dead in the middle, wearing the red tunic w/ sleeves (instead of sleeveless w/ a shirt underneath like everyone else. Also, his shoes are blue & everyone's shoes are earth tones. The other toxic (took stick) is in the background; he's clearly bald when part of the plan was obviously to grow hair (go here?? go there??). But where is t/here?? All the paths lead nowhere & turn back upon themselves. Everyone's following someone else. And honestly, NO ONE is doing entirely the right thing, but the "toxic" ones are just the most obvious. They aren't waving their sticks yelling about their "rights raised," (right way); they have both their hands visible & down, which means they know how to handle being right OR being left. That's life. But these other three dudes can't even fathom the possibility of not being right; as evidenced by the fact that all three of their left hands/arms are hidden in some way. The crazy part is that NONE of these people are right lol. The dude in the left corner is wearing a hat but I think the plan was to have their hair out, yeah? Plus his footwear is earth colored, but they're supposed to be boots not shoes. WRONG. THe dude in the front right is wearing polka dots but I think the plan was to wear solids. WRONG. Dude all the way in the back with the green tunic is wearing a full beard but everyone else is either clean shaven or rocking a goatee only. WRONG. Romans 3:23 says "All have sinned & fallen short of the glory of God,"; obviously none of these men were able to follow the master plan (Master's Plan), yet they insist on blaming each other. If they could admit they all fk'd up & fell short, that would be the first step towards getting off their ego path, back to pasture, back to graze (grace), back to the still water to let off some steam.

And what is grace, but forgiveness? The same way the Most High gives us grace in the Ace of Wands, this card asks if we can embody His spirit & extend that same grace to others, through forgiving them as we have, ourselves been forgiven. (And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. Luke 11:4)

I don't have a cohesive story to go with these cards, just bits & pieces of stained-glass memories that shift with time. Actually I think the best way to say what I'm trying to say is by sharing with y'all a poem that I've loved forever, by Audre Lord, called Hanging Fire:

I am fourteen
and my skin has betrayed me
the boy I cannot live without
still sucks his thumb
in secret
how come my knees are
always so ashy
what if I die
before morning
and momma's in the bedroom
with the door closed.

I have to learn how to dance
in time for the next party
my room is too small for me
suppose I die before graduation
they will sing sad melodies
but finally
tell the truth about me
There is nothing I want to do
and too much
that has to be done
and momma's in the bedroom
with the door closed.

Nobody even stops to think
about my side of it
I should have been on Math Team
my marks were better than his
why do I have to be
the one
wearing braces
I have nothing to wear tomorrow
will I live long enough
to grow up
and momma's in the bedroom
with the door closed.

Now when I first read this poem, I didn't have children & I thought the mama was so fucked up for ignoring her kid experiencing all this angst & being in the bedroom with the door closed. But how that I have a thirteen year old??? When are they NOT experiencing angst?? Honestly, if mama's didn't close the door for a second they would lose their shit. Mama's need breaks. Hell yes mama's in the bedroom with the door closed, & she'll be out in a little while, & she will help you dance & find you something to wear & if you want your grades to be better than that boy, she'll nag your ass to study more instead of daydreaming about somebody's equally ashy thumbsucking child, & you should be GLAD your mama can afford braces because everybody's mama cannot. (This is what I would say to the child in the poem)

When I was fourteen, I went to the bathroom to get ready for school on the morning of Valentine's Day & my mama had left the sweetest little chocolate stuffed bear on the sink for me. I went in her room & thanked her but I felt bad because I hadn't gotten her anything. I was like, my bad mama, I didn't know I was supposed to get you something & she said, well maybe you should think about somebody OTHER THAN YOURSELF for a change. At the time I thought she was mean af but now that I have five beautiful children who will eat every crumb & not save me shit...(sigh) I get it.

My mother wasn't a perfect mother & I'm certainly not a perfect mom either. We both lost that award long ago. But prayerfully my children will love me anyway, just as I love (love! love!) my sweet faced mama. (Grace)

What's y'alls Ace of Wands / Five of Wands?

9 Comments

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all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

Cheryl

12/9/2020 09:19:35 pm

My Ace of Wands is meditation. It is the reliable refuge that make me still enough to know my mind is not running the show. There is plenty of space for my heart, spirit and intuition to have a say if I separate my actions from my thoughts. And yes, this allows for more graceful responses to myself and others. My Five of Wands is absolutely my ego. And it is bad when it bumps against someone else’s! Meditation practice and Buddhist study reminds me that I don’t always have to be right. Picking your battles is a form of wisdom.

LMP

12/10/2020 12:18:22 am

Ace of Wands is all of my bright ideas-"the root power and infinite potential." When an idea is in the stage of formation, the root, it is infinite potential. Once you get further along in any idea or project, it becomes finite. The shadow of the Ace of Wands for me is definitely having a bazillion ideas that I don't follow through with. Over the years I have 1. Learned better skills to carry a task or idea from start to finish. 2. Learned to pick smaller projects that I am more likely to finish, and 3. Learned to be kinder to myself about the ones I let go-sometimes the whole reason you have an idea is that it leads you to another idea or allows you to meet an important person or exposes you to another opportunity. Not every idea is meant to be manifested by me. Oh, and definitely 4. Working on letting go of perfectionism, and by that I just mean that perfection shouldn't be the enemy of the good, or the enemy of the finished product.

Five of wands is conflict. People have always called me confrontational. I feel like that's because everyone else is so conflict averse! I hate confrontation, I'm just willing to have one in order to stand by my principles, and for that I have been labeled confrontational. So that's the thing that gets projected onto me. But the thing I need to own is that once someone's gone and pissed me off enough to engage me in an angry confrontation (which I usually try to avoid with good communication in the first place) I will go in with guns-a-blazing and I will be pretty savage and mean. If you provoke me. I enjoy it a bit too much.I am the guy in the blue in the middle who suddenly "comes to" in the middle of the fray and says, "holy shit, my club is over my head in a way that suggests I'm about to knock someone in the head unconscious while everyone else is just poking around with sticks. I am going to put this thing down and walk away."

12/10/2020 02:39:58 am

5 of WANDS

Oubra--I was thinking THE SAME DAMN THING! Mama does need a break. The educator of young babes, I get it. I encourage parents to take a break, set timers (or have their babes do it), create a sign to indicate they are taking a break. Post that shit on their bedroom door. lol.

I don't wanna be a mama.There's too much mama guilt and anxiety to deal with. My own Mom once told me, "A mother's work is never done". I knew then that I want to be DONE, goddamn it!

Anywho, my parents always had their bedroom door closed. I can't tell you how old I was when I finally saw all the renovations/decorum, etc. It was a shut off place where only those two people went. EVER. My parent's bedroom kinda became a place to shut everything and everyone out. When my Dad was upset or in a mood, he'd spend all his time (outside of work). Same with my mom. It became a portal, in which one can avoid conflict (from children and sometimes each other parent). One thing about closing their bedroom door ALL the time was that they were cutting off creating meaningful moments with their children, each other, the world.

Sometimes, I use my apt.a as portal to avoid conflict. (Though my home is a sanctuary, too) I can avoid negativity, family, people and even Covid. Just like my parent's bedroom, being secluded in my apt. cuts me off from growth, building meaningful relationships with folks who are outside my APT. (not counting social media, for now) And sometimes my anxiety (generalized and social)gets in the way. I really do use my place to avoid conflict. That part I can't hide about myself.

Kelsey

12/13/2020 12:10:04 am

- How I feel when it seems like my potential is being limited/thwarted by other people

- Reminds me of individualistic Western mentality

- Preference for a village mentality of support, or just an overall culture of being generous with each other.

Those are a few notes I jotted down the other day when I wasn't sure what to write about.

The 5 of wands card still reminds me of my household, as it did months ago. It's this damn pandemic. Four adults (with 2 toddlers) aren't meant to be cooped up in the house like this for this long. I see the two "toxic" ones as my husband and one of my housemates. They are so triggered by each other and it's having an impact on me and it most certainly is having an impact on the 4th adult in the house, even though he's so good at staying chill. The kids seem OK, but it has to be affecting them at least a little too. I wish people would just be grateful for what we all have, rather than losing their damn minds when things don't go their way. But, egos, I guess. And the childhood traumas driving those egos to protect. Blegh.

Tanasia

12/14/2020 06:25:23 am

Grace...it's hard to offer when the two people who were supposed to love you broke your heart the most. I was raised by my granny...why, because my mama loved abusive men and my daddy loved the streets. But did they love me though?
Sure they did. They just didn't have the capacity to love and nurture a genius of a child while getting their lives together. I get it, and over the years, I have learned to offer them both grace. Despite our rocky relationship, despite the times where they didn't support me, despite my mother admitting that she's jealous of the woman I am, despite...sigh.
I've just resolved myself to say: I am a child of The Most High. My parents were the vessels with which He allowed my infinite soul to come through into this physical world and to prepare me for the work He has set for me in this life. My parents are NOT my soul parents. They do not own me. I have to offer them love, respect and grace in order to reach my divine self. So, I love them anyway, There's no manual on how to be a parent, and sometimes, people are ill-prepared to nurture another life. With that being said, love y'all parents..love yourselves and know, eventually, your children will understand that parents don't know. They just don't and they do the best they can. Be gracious. Love y'all.

12/15/2020 11:13:20 pm

I’ve learned quite a bit this year. One thing that stands in the forefront is we all need an outlet. If we don’t release things, they start to build up. When things build up, we get tired. When we get tired, we want to sleep BUT we can’t sleep because our minds are racing about what we need/have to do to be in a better place. My outlet was running. In December of 2015, I found out I had exercise induced asthma and I have been sedentary ever since for fear of not being able to breathe. These five years without my outlet have been stressful as hell! The stress of this year REQUIRED me to have an outlet of some kind, so I forgave myself for doing absolutely nothing for 5 years. Last week I decided that I needed peace of mind so I bought a spin bike. I had my first workout in 5 years on Sunday night/morning (it was 12:30am…I couldn’t sleep). I did feel better afterwards and I’m hoping to get things back in order soon.

Dela

12/18/2020 02:30:24 pm

Grace.

I gotta give my moms more grace. She knew better, and my stubborn ass just didn't want to accept it. Not even sure if I told this story already but it goes again if I did:

My shadow of these cards is this.... It was a December night, and my ex (boyfriend at the time...the first boyfriend I keep talking about) was over, and we were sleeping in my bed. Now, around this time, I had just been introduced to the D, and have been very active since.

One night in particular, my mom knocks on my door, notices that it's locked, and knocks again. Me and my (ex)boyfriend are naked in my bed and so I put on clothes and tell him to hide under the sheets. Clearly, it wasn't really hiding him....but it was so early/late in the morning I didn't know Up from Down. So I opened my door, she asks for her flattening iron, and I give it to her, then I go back to sleep.

Here's where I fuck up. I decide to go to the bathroom but use my parents' bathroom since my mom was taking a shower and getting ready for work in the hallway bathroom. As I'm wiping my ass in the bathroom I hear my mom yell at the top of her lungs my name.... and I'm like oh shit.... I'm caught...

She gives me her frantic shpeel: "Who is that? What is he doing here?! Were you having sex!? I'm not stupid, I saw underwear on the floor! Tell him to get out now!"

So basically, I tell him to get out... I'm all embarassed, I'm all scared, but I'm tryna act like damn this lady hella cockblocking right now... and so he leaves and my mom is just yelling "Get out, you shouldn't be over here, I don't know who your parents are and I've never even met you before you need to leave now."

I'm like ok... yeah, true, he's my boyfriend, she's never met him before, I didn't want to introduce him at all because 1)he was white and 2)he was 3-4 years my senior. He was a senior while I was a freshman in high school.

So anyways, my mom proceeds to be like "What were you thinking!? How could you do this to me!? For all you know he could have STDs! I want you to wash your sheets and wash all the shit in your room!"

For many years I was completely angry towards my mom for that situation. I always felt like...how could she do that to me? He was the first person to ever make me feel special, to ever take me out to sushi and movie, to ever give me rides in his car, to buy me flowers, etc etc. I was so in love with him... and since she basically banned me from seeing him, my relationship with him ended along with my relationship with my mom. I didn't forgive her until many years later when I realized the dude was a scumbag piece of good for nothing dick.

So for that, I gotta give my moms more grace. The lady is 28 years my senior so she knows a thing or two about dudes that try and take advantage. So she was saving me in the long run. In retrospect, I would have liked it if I leaned into forgiveness of myself and my moms more... but what does a 14-year old daughter of immigrants know at that age about forgiveness?

Tee

12/24/2020 09:43:52 pm

My ace of wands is reading. Whenever I get stressed, I block everything out and read a romance novel. I think that's my way of bringing love into my life. I need to feel surrounded by love and that's the easiest way for me to get it.

My five of wands is definitely my ego. I will be deadass wrong and I'll ghost the other person than apologize. Well, I'll apologize to them in spirit (in my mind) and hope they feel my energy. It's sad but that's how I deal with chaos.

Ruth

1/4/2021 01:07:22 pm

My Ace of Wands is doing my best to maintain my integrity, body mind and spirit, hand head and heart. That's what allows me to be resilient enough to be led to still waters.

And then, 5 of wands, the way you are talking about it, it's like me doing my best to work within a toxic system , one was a family system, and another a church system. I remember growing up, trying to follow the rules, but also trying to fix the broken things; the abusive parent, the beat down parent, trying to protect siblings, trying to protect myself, but none of it worked. Because sometimes, the only way to change something is to step out.

40 days
of shadow work