of shadow work
facing the darkness /
to live in the light
to live in the light
1) This is going to be two posts in one. It appears as though we missed a day but appearances can be deceiving. We'll be covering both the Six of Swords AND the Ace of Cups, because sometimes things are connected that we don't realize are connected.
2) First I have to explain my process. About two weeks ago, I sat, prayed, shuffled & chose the cards for the first 21 days of our journey. I wrote them down in the order in which they appeared, & I've been following the list with each post. Yesterday's card was the Six of Swords & today's card is the Ace of Cups. Last night I taught a Zoom class that went really well, so I was still floating on that intellectual high when I sat down to write our post. I sat & stared at the Six of Swords for four or five hours, taking notes on details in the picture / messages, but a cohesive post did not come. For the most part I didn't understand, & what I did understand, I couldn't explain. I mean, I understand the Six of Swords in the way I've taught it in the past, as the ability to turn your thoughts in a kinder direction, but every time I teach tarot a different aspect is revealed to me (like a funhouse mirror? diamond?). Yet last night this new perspective evaded. Finally I gave up & asked the Most High, Do I REALLY have to write about the Six of Swords?? Can't I write about an easier card? So I shuffled & shuffled & shuffled & shuffled... & shuffled. A single card finally popped out & I turned it over & it was the freaking Six of Swords. I looked at the card at the bottom of the deck waiting to be turned over, & it was the freaking Ace of Cups (Fountain of Feels).
I went to bed.
3) I couldn't get comfortable & then when I did, a familiar, cold, depressive sleep stole over me, where I dreaded the day. I didn't want to wake up; I felt lazy, stupid, lost & there was nothing to look forward to anyway except a ton of emails (some of these bitches are meeeeean), posts I couldn't write, being-a-disappointment & a growing mess to clean (bc kids). I was stuck between monotony (monotonous sea) & suppressed rage (pressing waves). So yes, that part of the card I understood completely.
4) I also understood that:
a) No one in this picture will turn around & face where they are coming from, & they all have some sort of object obstructing their vision forward. So they are moving, but they can't see exactly where they are; b) The person guiding the boat (canoe? kayak?) is using an extreme approach, where one hand is at the highest high & the other hand is at the lowest low (handle highs & lows); c) The little person is super close to the big person (trying to bond / trauma bond) but the big person won't share their coat / is cloaked (won't let them in); d) The water shifts suddenly from the peaceful sea in the foreground to dangerous, choppy waves in the background.
5) So I'm like, ok- there's water everywhere in the Six of Swords & the Ace of Cups is a big ol' cup of divine water... maybe it's about new love? A new relationship? A new beginning? (Still feeling pretty clueless at this point). So I started looking up boat terms because I needed more words. Turns out the back of the boat is called the "aft" (guided from the aft / past??) The back is also called the "stern," & in the picture there are no swords in the stern (no stern swords/ no stern words?) The front part of the boat that's cut off in the picture is called the "prow" (broken prow missing / broken promises??). The right side where the water gets choppy is called the "Starboard," which brings me to this card's parents-
6) The Six of Swords, aka Mercury in Aquarius, is the love child of the Magician (Mercury) & the Star Card (Aquarius). We already know the Magician be on some tricky shit, making things appear differently from how they really are; & the Star Card (remember from the Seven of Swords) is the vulnerability & healing that happens after a massive tower moment. So technically the Six of Swords is about the ways we are misguided for our own good. UGH.
7) I decided to discuss the conundrum with my very wise & wonderful 13 year old daughter. She gave me great advice (after lecturing me about my sleep schedule). I explained that since I experience the energy of each card before I teach it, I literally felt misguided, & although I knew I was moving toward some sort of answer, I couldn't see where I was going with this. I felt very frustrated, short sighted (shore, sighted) & lost. She said, Ma, you're going to do this card differently than the others. You're not going to have it all figured out before you write it down, but if you just write how you feel, the answer will be revealed. Just explain the experience & you''ll understand.
8) I was like, bet. But first I'm going to eat (bc I hadn't eaten all day). I made myself some food, set it to the side & then went to the bathroom. I sat in the bathroom longer than my business required because I got lost thinking about the freaking card again, & I hit another wall & re-emerged frustrated yet resolute. I washed my hands & went to eat but my food was gone. I said, who ate my food?! & my five year old son gasped that uh-oh gasp that let me know it was him. I lost it a little, pouted, fussed, jerked on my shoes & coat, & just managed to shut the door behind me before the tears came (you ever feel like you crying out your throat?), hot & ANGRY. It was a whole flood & in my mind I saw the Ace of Cups (Energy in Motion = Emotions).
9) I realized oh shit the Six of Swords is emotional waters & all day I'd been stuck in place, avoiding the storm right beside me. All it took was the Magician (my precocious five year old) to execute a sleight of hand that sent my ass right over the edge, flailing in my feelings. His tiny nudge (eating my food) got me moving from confusion, to irritation, to victimhood, to rage, to release. Move, swing, move, swing (mood swing).
10) So the Six of Swords is about mood swings. According to the picture, a mood swing is an emotional wave from the past (aft), intending to push us towards a peaceful shore (sure, certainty), aka, we are "shore" that whatever is in our past is NOT our peace. Which also indicates we haven't yet made peace with the past. It's counter-intuitive, but avoiding the wave & pushing our anchor / anger down just leaves us stuck & isolated in between shores, where we aren't sure of... anything & we feel... lost. No matter how much folks try to snuggle up & get close to us, we feel alone & undefined, like we have no-body, steel(still)-stuck-in-our-head.
11) Today (12/3) is my 11 year wedding anniversary (swear I didn't plan this to be #11 on the list either & up until this very moment, I was kinda confused why the Most High had me number this post, wow...).
12) I'm wrong lol, today is my 12 year wedding anniversary. Our oldest boy is 11 & he'll be 12 on Christmas day. I remember being big & pregnant with him at my courthouse wedding & I've always wreathed the life of my marriage with the growth of my son.
13) We don't celebrate our anniversary anymore because we are mid-divorce, but I still see him nearly every day so not celebrating our anniversary while still in close proximity to each other is kind of like not acknowledging the birthday of a child we created together, loved very much & killed. All day I just haven't wanted to go there.
14) I still don't want to go there.
15) But fuck, I can't stay here.
16) Still waters (still want her); Red toes cross the line (ready to cross the line); Turn back to me; Sword through shoulder (swore to show her); Hopped in behind my back (happened behind my back); Felt a tidal wave (felt a type of way); Moving through waves (moving through rage); Sword, no-body there (swore nobody there); Oar view shore (are you sure?); Put on a kayak (putting on an act); Caught in a kayak (caught in the act); Put them up in front (putting on a front); Swords to face (swore to her face); Now can you see the shore? (How can you be sure?); To oar up end side (torn up inside); Wee one so close (we were once so close); Guide is at my back (guides got my back); Katanas line canoe (can't lie to you); seas be still (peace be still); Can't stand & steer (can't stand to see her); Pole up (hold up); Can't go in on this wave (can't go on this way); Left sea calm (let's be calm); Sea sudden in waves (she's suddenly enraged); Butt two lines (but you're lying); Tail end of the two (I'm telling the truth); Nobody to hold me (nobody told me); Head at hunch, four swords to the side (had a hunch, forced it to the side); Four swords, two in seat (forced to see); Sight land, can't speed up (Silent, can't speak up); Brought oar up to ford (brought her up before); Half in a rough tide (having a rough time); Knees tucked in cape (needs to escape); Knees too close (need to go); Can't face the waves (can't face the rage); Put your oar arm up (put your armor up)
17) What's y'alls Six of Swords (Mood Swing) & Ace of Cups (Release)?
all of us.