day 31: ten of pentacles (build/bills)

12/1/2020

Blessings on blessings to you all :)
Today's card is the Ten of Pentacles. It's fascinating to me that this card has come up so early in our shadow journey, because it's the very last card in the tarot. The Ten of Pentacles is the grand finale, the big reveal, the pinnacle, the...quan (remember Jerry McGuire lol?). The fact that we're reviewing it now (remember I shuffle for each day at random) reminds me of the bible verse that says, "The last shall be first & the first last."

The Ten of Pentacles (aka Jupiter in Virgo) is the combination of the Hermit card (Virgo) & the Wheel of Fortune (Jupiter). The old, wise Hermit uses the light of his sol (soul) to peer into the darkness of the past & make peace with what he finds there, to ensure he carries as little emotional baggage into the future as possible. The Wheel of Fortune (Jupiter) is the card that magically (read: fate/ serendipity/ miracles) carries him forward in time. In the tarot, the Hermit is the (9) card & the Wheel of Fortune is the (10) card, so the energy of those two cards together is quite literally the next step. Therefore, what the Hermit believes about his past will carry him forward into his future.

Let's talk it through: I've been studying this card all day but just now as I sit to type this, it strikes me how crowded it is. In some tarot cards (remember yesterday's 7 of swords, or the 10 of wands?), there is hella space to move around, but not here. This card is full. It reminds me of a couple that met & fell in love, & maybe the dude moved into the chick's one bedroom apartment which was cool because it was just the two of them, but then they had a kid, & then got a couple dogs, & then somebody's daddy had to come stay, & now dammit it's time to go shopping for a whole new house. If granddad needs-to-stay, then his son needs-to-pay. The woman is holding out her coin like, here's my part, where's yours?? But notice the man has no money in his hand - in fact, it looks like his hand is buried in her pocket. If you look at his other arm clutching the walking stick next to Granddad's forehead, we can assume he's tight fisted (tight-fist-head). With nobody putting in, sis is stuck for now.

Ok so something else that has become clear to be about this card, is that there is always another way to look at things, & your perspective will determine what you see. How you view your situation will decide whether it's a blessing or a curse. The reason I say that, is because I had a WHOLE 'NOTHER interpretation of the Ten of Pentacles that I worked on all day but just now this other shitty storyline (city story lines) emerged. I didn't expect to write any of that!

Let me try again to show y'all what I see (that was trippy lol):
First of all, I see that children are our future. I say that because the little girl in the right corner is grabbing the dog's tail. If it hurts him, she will generate-a-yelp (generational wealth). Even if he doesn't yelp, she-has-pulled-his-tail (has potential). Her role is important because if you look at the old man seated, he has no-legs-I-see (no legacy). The woman who we can assume is the child's mother, holds money-in-her-hands (my inheritance). Yet, if we look at the picture literally, she's missing-hands-held-money (mishandles money). Her inheritance is poor money management (I can relate). She doesn't want your sympathy though; she has no-hands-out (no hand outs). She stands firm, on the right, through the passage (rights of passage). Her back may be against the wall but she knows she has nowhere to grow/go but up. Although her forefather (in the foreground) followed an elaborate blueprint & indeed she can't deny her connection to him, if you look at where they intersect you'll see she is cut from a different cloth. Sometimes you have to go back to basics (back, too basic). There is the blueprint he followed, & then there is a divided design (divine design). She appreciates being a part of this coat creation (co-creation) with the arched angles (archangels). Just like the dogs, she is obedient to the master's hands (master plan). This is why she constantly looks to her guy (looks to her guides). They remind her that if she nurtures her talents (nature, two talents), builds her plans (building or plant?), sticks to the plan (sticks to to the plan; look at her hair) & treats her money right (tree or money, to the right), then it will be returned to her tenfold (he turned to her, then pole). It doesn't matter if she started from the bottom (star-ten-from-the-bottom) if she can learn to build, level up (two levels, up) & praise her highest self (place on highest shelf).

I've always loved this card but discussing it now has truly given me a new level (ha! new levels!) of appreciation for this energy. It reminds me that no matter how frustrated I feel, I can always re-mind myself. I can always think again, reach higher, build myself up. I often don't acknowledge the power of simply looking at a situation differently. It's not where you come from that matters, but where you're going. I've noticed in my personal life that when I feel the most squeezed, pressured, stuck af, that it's not a punishment, but a loving reminder that I've outgrown my current situation & its time to level up & grow. Growth is only uncomfortable when you restrict yourself. If you allow it, the expansion sets you free.

My Ten of Pentacles story is dead ass my first interpretation of this card, too:

Back in 2016, my husband & I moved to Park Forest, IL. We had been living nearby with my mom (RIP, love u) for a few years until we became financially stable, & finally we were able to rent a three bedroom house that was perfect for us & our 3.5 children. (I was pregnant with our 4th). The house had two living rooms, so we converted the back living room into a huge bedroom for ourselves, & we put three of our children between the other two bedrooms. This meant we had one empty bedroom, which we used as a meditation room. My husband's father came to visit (he recently became an ancestor/forefather too, may he RIP) & once he saw we had an open room, he asked to move in. We said yes. Then, he had all his furniture shipped in & suddenly my roomy new home was TIGHT AF. There was too much of everything, including the food bill & the heating bill & the light bill & the cable bill. My father in law was on disability & he also had a bit of debt to pay down so he couldn't contribute very much & my husband wasn't working at all so the financial responsibility was on me. For separate reasons (a whole 'nother story) I wound up leaving my job & getting unemployment, so my income was significantly reduced. My landlord was tired of me paying my rent late all the time, so he refused to renew our lease, & without my old income, I couldn't apply for another place. We were evicted & I felt like a huge failure & also worn all the way out. We couldn't move back in with my mom either, because we now had two extra people in our household (father in law + new baby boy). Forward motion only. This crisis was the catalyst that led to us packing up our entire lives & moving to Arizona & eventually California. I'm still struggling financially but now I'm struggling to make ends meet with my own business as opposed to working for someone else or getting unemployment. Whereas my struggle used to make me ashamed, now I can't feel anything but proud of myself (even on my brokest day). The sky really is the limit (levels up!) & I'm getting better & better at nurturing my talents, building my plan, looking to my guides, co-creating with the divine design, sticking to my plans & aligning with my higher self (higher shelf). Back in Chicago my job was an English professor, & I probably could have figured out a way to get another teaching job & continue the status quo; but I am 100% sure that if I'd gone that route, I might have more money (maybe...?) but I never, ever would have picked up a tarot deck & we certainly wouldn't be in here doing this wonderful shadow work. My struggles blessed me (& continue to bless me the moment I decide they do!) & in a round-about way, they blessed y'all too (if you decide they do!).

Btw, that sounds wonderful but I also have days where all I can see is that I'm 40, poor-with-a-bunch-of-kids, far from home, with too many responsibilities & not enough support. It's just a matter of perspective, you know? One thing that helps is looking at through the eyes of my ancestors, who I know are proud of me for accomplishing & surviving all that I have, & carrying our bloodline forward despite the setbacks I've experienced. Instead of feeling like a pariah, I remind myself I am their generational wealth, & I am determined that my children inherit more than my mistakes.

What's y'alls Ten of Pentacles?

13 Comments

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all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

Kelsey

12/2/2020 09:21:55 pm

Today was a bit of a roller coaster of emotions kinda day for me. I started writing a response around 3pm that was essentially me ranting about white people and their bullshit, because I was feeling super angry and depressed about my current circumstances (feeling crowded by white people in more ways than one). It didn't help that I had just finished reading an article about 45 saying that he's preparing to run for president again in 2024. That guy is like an abuser who won't set free the people he's abusing. Anyway, I'm gonna quit this before I get worked up into another rant.

After giving myself time to breathe and decompress, a different perspective has appeared.

"...when I feel the most squeezed, pressured, stuck af, [that] it's not a punishment, but a loving reminder that I've outgrown my current situation & its time to level up & grow. Growth is only uncomfortable when you restrict yourself. If you allow it, the expansion sets you free."

This part of today's post caught my attention earlier, and has stayed with me throughout the day. It grew from a tiny flicker to my biggest takeaway. Digging deeper, I'm just starting to understand how/where I've tried to restrict my own growth, mostly by thinking that there's a certain way I have to fit into a mold or break free from it. What I'm realizing now is that I can just say, "Fuck the mold" and be rid of it altogether. There's no right way for me to grow, and trying too hard to be different or unique still limits me to the fantasy of "a right way to do it." I know in my heart what I want each and every day. It's many things and changes from day-to-day, which makes life seem so full and rich. I'm gonna allow myself to follow my heart ❤

Ericka

12/2/2020 09:37:27 pm

I juuuust squeezed out of the shadow side of my ten of pentacles the 1st of September. I had already been making this single mom life thing work for two years at this time and then everything switched up with the plandemic.. I lost daycare, was now home schooling my 8yr old and the man I thought was gonna be around for a little extra support went and got married on me, and THEN I ran into car trouble. That was how I made my money, doing deliveries at the time, but if my car was having issues and I couldn’t make enough money to pay for those issues, then that left me with no choice but to make a very immediate decision because those bills were piling. My lease was up that very next month and I had to give a 60 day notice to avoid more fees so on that day of September 1st 2020 literally one hour before the leasing office closed I wrote a letter and gave my notice that I would be moving by October 30th. Well I have been on housing assistance since I had my daughter in 2017, I had some leeway with rent but still managed to struggle with the few bills I did have and of course..kids. I had been getting signs to start a business pretty much before this point but I didn’t see what exactly I could do. I felt like I was literally pushed out of my comfort zone then cause my last month there was the same month I lost the food stamps I was getting. I had met my dead end, and was leaving Texas, the only place I have known and moving to Indiana with my mom. This is my next step in aligning myself on the path to financial stability Im destined to be on, because the struggle was getting real.

Cheryl

12/2/2020 11:41:28 pm

I drank the KoolAid of need a degree/need more degrees/one more degree and all that meant was more educational debt. Came from the kind of family that believed education was the ticket to some life they could not imagine living under segregation in America. I read a quote on Instagram that nailed it: the same country that won’t give a Black person a $10K business loan will give them $100K in educational debt. The good news is now I know better, so I can do better. I now try to figure out the cheapest way to accomplish my business goals before I spend money on “more” anything. Thinking like a CEO/boss. And, while I have not retired all of the debt (yet!), I have money in the bank for a rainy day. A good feeling as Hurricane COVID is not over.

LMP

12/3/2020 12:21:10 am

I cut off contact with my dad for two years. He was manipulative, gaslighting, and cruel and I’d had enough of trying to make it work.

I had foolishly bet on other family members seeing my dad for who he was and having one or two alliances in the family or at least some safe people who would be sympathetic.

I bet wrong, they all thought I was a terrible daughter. I lost all the uncles, most of the aunts, and all the cousins, even the cousins that I thought for sure would have my back. My siblings are another complicated story that’s too long for this post.

I noticed some students of the Bible in this community so some of you might appreciate that he had his will changed to give me thirty silver dollars as my inheritance.

Those times were pretty low.

I always thought I’d be connected to this big family forever. It hurt then and hurts now, but less.

But ultimately if I look at it from a different perspective, I benefited from raising my daughter away from those people, and not having them around to judge my relationship, parenting, job, or weight. I probably am a happier person. The old man is outside the gate. Well, and now he is outside the gate as in no longer living. I feel shame to be a person estranged from family; I think it makes me seem untrustworthy and unstable. But I am better off, and the people who I trust most in the world agree.

12/3/2020 06:07:22 pm

Whoo! My heart does out to you. I sympathize AND empathize. Having a bully for a Dad, especially one who has transitioned is soooo tough. Many folks have complex grief/trauma after they pass (I know I worked with a therapist to heal that). Congrats to you moving on & healing with your immediate family! Praying for all your continued success! You definitely deserve it!

12/3/2020 11:59:02 pm

Thank you so much for that heartfelt comment, C. I really do appreciate it. ❤️ You also have so much to be proud of. Praying for your health and success as well.

12/3/2020 04:52:23 am

Remember when I said I be bopped from one relative’s to another in my 20’s? I didn’t have money, good credit, not even a bed to call my own. My finances were a mess but I had a low wage gig that paid me a monthly stipend. And of course I couldn’t manage my finances well. (Thank goodness I was childless) I was definitely in financial ruins, stuck.

Doing these 40 days of shadow work has reminded me of fucked up i was, how fucked up my life was. And how far I’ve come, Thank you!

Tanasia

12/6/2020 07:15:21 am

I keep saying TMH is showing out...and He is. This card is me right now. I am a nurse with a business and financially I am struggling. Not a lot....my bills are paid in full, I'm just not saving how I want to. Every time I save, something comes up. This time, it's a move. On one hand, things are definitely picking up in the business department and I am forever grateful, I just want to have huge amount of money stashed away...NOW! I do know that I have to offer myself more grace...I am new to only having one income and I am trying to still recover from bills that I had during the marriage, since he cannot mentally deal with anything. I get no support for my son so literally, besides my man, I'm all I've got. This card is telling me to evaluate my spending habits and do what I need to do to get myself on track.

Tee

12/6/2020 10:55:05 am

This card has been on my mind for days. I said I would skip it because I didn't want to deal with this shadow. I've made a mess of my finances over the last few years. I've made enough over the years to take care of myself and pay all my bills. Yet, I racked up debt and spent my cash on myself instead. Every few years, I would say I'm going to get myself together and pay off my debt. I would do a debt consolidation loan, pay it off and run up my debt again.

I knew I had a problem when I couldn't make it a whole week with only $300 to payday. That $300 was spending cash because all my bills were paid. Now I'm trying to rebuild my life and I don't even have $300 extra a month to spend. I realized I was a hoarder and did not appreciate what the universe was giving me. I was all about self and that was it.

I'm still struggling to deal with my new life. I try to focus on the fact that I now understand we are all connected. I needed to go back to the basics and learn to save and give at the same time. My back was against the wall for a while but now I look to my guides. I'm back on the path of my original master plan. I took a detour but I no longer have to be ashamed of the mess I made of my finances.

12/6/2020 02:20:30 pm

Perspective defined- “a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.”

Perspective is key to how we feel about ourselves and our lives at different points in time.

Sometimes I’m hard on myself and my own worst critic: “You should be farther than you are now, You haven’t finished that book yet?, Your businesses haven’t flourished yet?, You’re a failure!”

Then there are times when I applaud myself for having a Master’s degree, working in the field I chose, helping others heal, helping others realize their dreams, providing for my family, and being a good example to my daughters.

I was recently reminded of my “Ten of Pentacles” when I thought back to how I was fired from a teaching position and unable to return for a year (as long as the school district agreed). I felt unappreciated, overworked, and disgusting. No matter what I did, in the end, I failed. However, had I continued to teach, I would have continued to delay the process of becoming a licensed counselor.

Going back even further, had I landed the dream job thirteen years earlier when I first finished college, I would have never written my first book. I would not have realized how important it is to become self-employed.

Though this is still a current struggle, it’s one that I strive to accomplish daily. I can admit I don’t always work as hard as I need to, but the vision is still clear.

As Oubria said, “I want my children to inherit more than my mistakes”. I want them to work because they want to, not because they have to.

In the meantime, I want to feel blessed throughout this struggle. I want to believe that I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

12/6/2020 02:28:07 pm

I forgot to add that I'm feeling burdened by my current job. I help others heal, but their problems and/or resistance to change weighs heavy on me. I also fear not being able to pay my bills. Therefore, I feel like I'm somewhat stuck here "until something better comes along". In this case, a creation of my own because I don't know where else to go career-wise.

"Growth is only uncomfortable when you restrict yourself. If you allow it, the expansion sets you free."~Oubria

I don't know where to "grow" from here, other than to "stay planted" as other flowers grow.

Being still doesn't always mean "stagnant". Now, to convince myself.....

Ruth

12/13/2020 11:16:51 am

I feel called out.
I'm the one who mismanages money. My spouse pays all the bills.
We are also taking care of his mom financially, paying for her health insurance and for at home care.
And I'm still the moron who does "payment plans" for crystals and other things instead of saving the money that I do make as a side hustle. I don't wanna see this. And it's hard for me not to go into shame spiral and I need to not do that, but it's really hard not to do that. So I ignore it (ha, deceiving myself) instead of doing the work to do better.

Dela

12/17/2020 01:45:24 pm

Build/Bills.

This shadow for me is the fact that I rest on my mom's clutchness so much. She doesn't really ask of much from me... but I definitely do be having a tough time accepting the way she talks since I have this expectation of what and how she should be like.

But that doesn't excuse the fact that everytime I have a bill that I cannot pay, my mom is there clutch. Everytime I am struggling with something financially, my mom comes in clutch. Even though this is the case, I'm stuck in that loop of wanting my mom to share what brings her joy with me...but it seems like I always have to go to her.

For me... this is about how my mom bought a whole ass piano for me. Just randomly, I came home from school, and my mom had bought a piano. She wasn't home when I got home, but the piano was there. She always coming through with the clutch, surprising me and shit. I saw the piano, and next thing I know my dad puts her on the phone. "Whatchu think of your piano? " I said "I like it, thank you." and she said "That's it? You're so ungrateful." Like whatchu want me to say lady???? Ain't nobody taught me how to be grateful more than just saying a simple thank you, girl I was like 9! Cmon now...

My inner child is screaming...so confused as to what this adult lady wanted from me.

40 days
of shadow work