day 33: four of pentacles (stuck)

11/29/2020

This card was another one that threw me for a loop. It was hard to face. I couldn't figure out what I was looking at so it took me a while to understand. Finally I had to pray for discernment so that what was hidden would be revealed. Once I saw, I couldn't unsee.

First, the parents. This card is the Four of Pentacles, aka Sun in Capricorn. It is a combination of the Sun (joy, optimism, innocence, ignorance) & Capricorn (the Devil). The Devil card gets a bad rap (black wrap) but it isn't inherently evil. The Devil card is about places, faces & situations that are so intoxicating we never want them to end, therefore we become consumed with desire for that thing & only that thing. Fascination becomes obsession, preference becomes addiction, novice becomes mastery, a moment becomes a lifetime. When the energy of the Sun is combined with the energy of the Devil in the Four of Pentacles, it creates the experience of being ignorant to how easily & innocently one can become stuck. Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.

Let's look at the Four of Pentacles literally:

There's this grey sky (great guy). The first thing I notice about him is his grey eyes; he sees my soul (he sees I'm sold). It's kind of intimidating (it's him I'm dating). He's super focused, he always has money on his mind. I was so mesmerized that it took me a while to look at his shitty (city) background. (What I could see of it anyway... most of it was hidden) For one, he smoked like a chimney, which was just one of his needs (knees). Still he was so... disarming (these arms in). We tried to build a business together; he said he'll loan the money (heel on money), but then his boss called & told him 'you're fired' (roof fire). His solution was to sit alone (seedy loan) but he couldn't pay it back (coat painted black) even with a payment plan (pavement /plants). Even further back in his background was a mountain of debt (mountain in depth), & he never mentioned the foreclosure (four close here). Suddenly all our plans were blocked (plants blocked). We were scraping by (scrapers high) & he planned to steal (planted still). I thought we could live from the money he stole (money in his stole), but he held it back (held in black) from me. I stayed as long as I could but it hurt too long (hair too long). I knew I had to go but he had everything. He said 'where are you going??' (wear your coins) The fact that he held all the money pulled me back (black) in. I looked at the situation but it was hard to see (hard to seat). If I valued myself, I had to leave because I was not safe in his plans (not safe in his hands) & there was no savings plan. I had to see the truth (see the roofs). He had no love (no gloves) for me, we were just co-dependent (coat, deep in it). I could never get a straight answer out of him either; I'd try to have conversations about the relationship but he wouldn't address it (worn a dress, sit). I was trapped (tight wrap) & it had taken me too long to understand (too long to stand). I was unmotivated though, because the whole thing left me feeling dead inside (dead in his sights). If I wanted to live again (leave a gain), I'd have to take a cue from him & face forward, accept it (except sit) & walk away (walk way). This time, there's no turning back (turned it black / turned his back).

Ewww, I don't like this card, I don't like it one bit. & Just like dude's weird hands not quite touching the pentacle, I can't put my finger on it. It's that energy when you're being slowly deceived behind your back in front of your face, you know? Usually when people are being deceptive, things are very complicated & there are so many details in the stories being built (see the buildings??) I suppose that is the shadow energy of this card; paying so much attention to the surface details that we can't see the forest for the trees. In order to save ourselves from being stuck, we must use the light to see the things we don't want to see but NEED to see (need to seat). This will require deepening our view (depending on you) to figure it out.

It took me a minute to figure out what was that bordered line running underneath the man's two feet. He's in the city, so he's sitting on the crosswalk (across wall). If he's in the crosswalk, those are 'stop lines.' He has two stop lines to himself.

He has to stop lying to himself.

Here's my Four of Pentacles story:

I don't want to deal with this shittttttt!!! I am so tired of writing about this card, Imma keep it 100. I think that's the energy of the card, its this fucking exhausting, immovable, enigmatic, mysterious energy where you have to put the shit together yourself because somebody won't just MAKE IT PLAIN. Ugh.

I'm laughing at myself too because just now, writing about this card, I am understanding my son Othello & my friend Nicole better. They both have their suns in Capricorn & they are both very non-nonsense, cut-the-shit type people. Confrontational. So now I see why I hate this card because I freaking hate confrontation, it makes me uncomfortable af! That's probably why I'm stalling right now, because I can't think of a Four-of-Pentacles story because I never confront anything. (Seriously I hate this) Which means I'm the exhausting, mysterious person who won't just make it plain. Oh, ok. (I feel attacked)

This is such a stupid story but its a great example of my doublespeak (doubles feet) bullshit.

When my oldest daughter was about to turn one years old, her Dad & I were broke af. I was working, he was not. I had a pretty sweet job as a coordinator for an after school program but I got paid once at the beginning of every month & I was not very good at budgeting. My daughter's birthday is on the 30th, just before payday, so I had nothing left over to throw her a little party. The crazy thing is, I knew that was going to happen & I had planned for it. I'd put $200 away for her party around the middle of the month, but then during the third week of the month, my baby daddy's ex-wife started blowing up my baby daddy's phone, because her food stamps had run out & she didn't have any money or food in the house for their seven year old daughter. So obviously all three of us had piss poor money management skills but none of us acknowledged the fact. Also, she & I were both working, & the father of these children was not working, but nobody brought that up either. Instead, I wanted to please him (y'all know the next card after the four of pentacles is the five of pentacles...) so I took my $200 I'd saved for my baby's birthday & told him to go buy his other baby some groceries. I figured (read: lied to myself) we'd get the money back within the next week somehow & that the Most High would provide. But then that next weekend, my mama started calling, asking me if I was still going to have the baby's party at her house, because that had been the plan. Instead of admitting to my mama that I'd given the money away & couldn't afford the party, I said the most ridiculous bullshit. I told her we just wanted to celebrate alone with the baby & that she didn't even know it was her birthday. My mama was like, whatttt????? And I reiterated, we were just gonna have an intimate party of three. She hung up hella confused & annoyed af.

The next day, my younger sister called me. She lived with her mom, near my mom. Now, my mom & my stepmom both raised me & growing up I always felt a little guilty whenever I told my mom how much I loved my stepmom (especially her cooking) because my mama would catch the slightest attitude. Anyway, my sister was like, what's up with the baby's party? I repeated the same bullshit I'd told my mom except my sister (Capricorn rising) was not having it. She was like, what bitch? No. We are having a party. I'm throwing it if you won't. It will be at my mama's house. Bring that baby.

What was I supposed to do, turn it down??? (Confrontation issues) So I called my mama & told her that her grandchild's first birthday party wouldn't be at her house, but at my stepmom's house. She was like WTF. I came clean & said I really didn't have the money to have the party but my sister offered so I accepted. My mama was like nigga if you ain't have the money, why didn't you SAY SO? & I was like, because I know you didn't have the money either because if you did you would have offered. (Yes I said that to my mama & yes I am ashamed).

On top of that, I dressed my baby in the cutest outfit for her party, but when I got there my sister was like, 'ugh take that off, I bought her something new.' So in the middle of the party, I changed my daughter's clothes & put on the outfit her auntie bought & paid for. My mama was like, that's not the outfit she had on at first is it? She looked so cute! & I was like yeah, but her auntie bought this & I figured (read: I was too pussy to say no) it was cute.

I hate this damn story. I have lied to myself so many times & when you speak to others from a space of lying to yourself, it makes you look hella unstable because you end up explaining (& excusing) instead of just telling it like it is. It's not lost on me that I gave my baby's money away claiming 'the universe would provide' & the universe did indeed provide.

But at what cost...?

(What are y'alls Four of Pentacles?)

12 Comments

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all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

11/30/2020 05:56:51 pm

In some ways, I feel stuck in my current situation. Marriage, career, aspirations. I feel stagnant and unable to face up to the part I play.

I can communicate my needs better in my marriage. I can cease communication with the "other". I can continue seeking career satisfaction. I can work harder at establishing my businesses. But I keep standing in my own way.

I was watching a motivational coach this morning and she said something very profound. "We are living in the reality of our past decisions."

I want to make better choices so that I can have a future I'm comfortable living in. But I must first speak up and do what's required to make that happen.

I can't just "let it flow" and let life happen. In some ways, I must be confrontational. I can't accept the status quo.

I can't just "talk the talk", I have to "walk the walk".

Kelsey

11/30/2020 07:36:20 pm

I'm really feeling the "I don't want to!!!" energy of your response to this card, Bria. Because I don't want to, either. Ugh. Ok, here goes.

I keep trying to think of a different story or aspect of my life to talk about, when really only one thing has been up in my face all day like, "Look at me! Look at me!" and I just keep trying to side-step it. It's staring me plain in the face and I still struggle with making it plain. Because my emotions feel so complex, not plain!

Ok, here goes, f'real this time. All day I've been thinking about one of my housemates and how I'm kinda fed up with her. She's one of my best friends and I love her dearly, yet I feel like everyone else in the house (myself included) gets put in a position where we're walking on eggshells around her. She's somewhat fragile mentally, mostly because of the pandemic, I think (but aren't we all?!) Well, she's the only one out of all of us who has needed to get on medication to help stabilize herself. Not that I'm against medication when needed (nor do I want to shame her for needing it), but because the rest of us aren't in need of that kind of care, it feels like we have to make more compromises around her for her mental health, and to be supportive. Coupled with this level of fragility, I also experience that she carries around with her an undistinguished sense of entitlement, and that is probably what gets under my skin the most. (I'm not quite ready to talk about racial dynamics in this space just yet, but it will for sure come up because learning more about myself as a POC in a predominantly white community has dredged up a lot of fodder for shadow work, especially in recent years AND in this shit-storm of a year!)

To wrap this up, I feel stuck in my own home, and not in the good kind of way that a Taurus usually revels in. I don't want to share so much common space anymore with the other family that we live with. My partner and I have come up with a solution for changing this, which gave me temporary relief knowing what else is possible, but I don't know if it will actually happen. I have about 3 months only before this baby comes and I want to feel more settled in my own home before then. I want to know that my home will be a supportive space, not a stressful space, as it has felt like over the past couple of months especially. Don't know how else to conclude this so… Ugh. Stuck.

Cheryl

11/30/2020 10:41:59 pm

I like to think of myself as a truthful person and yet I have been lying about my weight on my driver’s license for so many years I can’t ever remember if I ever told the truth. This year is the year I am supposed to get right—I am going to tell my real weight when I renew on my birthday (Feb 2021). And I have been STUCK trying to lose 5 lbs for the past few months. A plateau. A struggle!! And if I was really honest, I would admit that I want to lose another 30 lbs – make it a nice round 100lb weightloss. First I need to get off this stubborn 5 lbs, so I actually weight what my driver’s license says. This is a symbol of what has gone on in my life for a looooong time. I can deliver for other people and fall short on my own goals. Working hard to change that.

LMP

11/30/2020 10:43:57 pm

I grew up a pagan witchy girl in a family just religious enough to make me an outsider, and just mean enough to try and stamp out every spark of light in an outsider.My heart could be found loving the Great Mother Goddess and soaking in moonlight, in being sex-positive, bisexual, bringing my Tarot cards to gatherings oblivious to how much my aunt thought I was the Devil and passed that idea to my dad.

I was always doing cool, creative, slightly goofy, experimental, out there stuff. I was trying my best for the time to be an antiracist white girl and not be a Karen or a Becky long before the words "antiracist," and "Karen" were part of our national vocabulary (I'm not confident I succeeded in that endeavor but I do know I tried.) In my family, that was a problem, because they were racist and nobody was supposed to talk about it. So me even going to a MLK event in Oakland in the 80s was a huge deal to my dad and he got all bent out of shape and complained to my mom, who made sure I got to go and kept me from finding out how my dad reacted until I was in my 40s. It was like, I just kept being me, doing my thing, trying to learn and grow and figure out how to be a decent person, discovering feminism, loving the moon, reading about Goddesses and lighting my candles, reading my tarot, doing my art, and just me doing and being all of those things was a *personal affront* to those people. Not every thing pissed off every person, but there were enough things on the list for each person to have their own special piss off. And my dad just thought I was a reflection of his failure as a father.

Anyway, my four of pentacles is going for a more "respectable" career route in order to gain approval. The business I started helped people, was successful, garnered me lots of respect in my community, and I touched people's lives. Aaaaaaaand, I was miserable, because I was not living my truth.

To add insult to injury, my family never respected me, even though I did the respectable thing. None of them cared when I finished graduate school, finished internships, passed examinations, and started a business.

This shadow process has been intense the last few days with all of the stuff coming up around work with the 8 of pentacles and the ten of wands. Things got way too heavy for me and my mental health crashed. I lightened my load for safety. I was pretty much forced by Soul to take the break.

Today I got two signs that my old career is falling away for good. I got an email from an old client that reminded me how this profession is not a fit. Then I stalked some family members on social media (don't judge me!) and saw that a a younger relative just passed their exams in the exact same fucking thing I did all those years ago. The post was full of motherfuckers who wouldn't congratulate me for the same damn thing.

And it exposes how a lot of that career path was about me looking for approval and respect. What I learned is that approval and respect from colleagues and clients only made a small dent in the wound made by the lack of respect of my family.

So basically, my takeaway is fuck it, if those jerks are going to dismiss, discard, and devalue me when I do the "normal" and "respectable" thing, then I might as well be weird and own it, and do what I really want and give Tarot readings and see where that leads.

Mama Chant

12/2/2020 12:28:27 am

Congratulations! I am so proud of you for coming to that conclusion. Your family needed to respond that way so that you can turn inward; loving turn inward so that it may radiate outward. This journey is about finding ourselves and being comfortable there. Good job!

12/4/2020 10:00:49 pm

Thank you, Mama Chant. That means a lot to me to see this and I also love this perspective.

12/1/2020 07:19:03 am

I spent a lot of my early to mid twenties be bopping from one home to another, after a failed attempt to move to Cali: I lived back home with my parents, then one of my sisters, my boyfriend’s mom, and after all those places were exhausted, I moved to the first place that would take me: some white family (who lived on the other side of town) who was rented rooms to folks. I got there and the place was dirty ,smelled. I couldn’t back out, I felt. My room was in an attic, essentially, with a slanted ceiling. My bed smelled too. They were smokers and had roaches. They were even hella racist. I kept all the info from my family about where I was living, how I was living, etc. because 1. I fucked up and didn’t want them to know that I was fucking up and 2. If my family found me, they would rub it in my face forever more. 3. I was shamed. Eventually after a week, I called one of my sisters and she picked me up from this God forsaken space & I lived with her. I told my sister how ashamed I was. We actually haven’t spoken about this time ever. My parents and other siblings found out. The lady renting the room was pissed. When I filled out the application I gave my SS number & she put something in my name. It’s been handled now, thou. I hid and lied and dodged because of fear and shame. So incredibly grateful to be at my own space: clean, warm and independent.

Tee

12/1/2020 06:38:49 pm

I wasn't sure what I was going to write about with this one. I've been thinking about it all day. I even thought about skipping it. Then the mother of all secrets hit me. I've been ashamed of this for so long that I had almost forgotten about it.

It all started way back in the day. I found myself really craving male attention. My heart was broken and I wanted to prove I could still get a man. I was making bad decision after bad decision. I knew I needed to chill out but I just couldn't stop. Strike 1 came when I thought i was being slick when I seduced a co-worker. Strike 2 was when I called up the ex that broke my heart to take me to planned parenthood to deal with the situation from strike 1. I thought my ex would get jealous and want me back. Instead, he dropped me off because he needed to go buy his girlfriend some flowers. He told me to wait for him to return but I didn't. Strike 3 was another old flame that got mad at me after he kept getting drunk and I refused to sleep with him. He decided he was going to rape me I guess. He didn't get far at all before I beat his ass. He called the cops on me and everything. That should've been enough but nope. It took a strike 4.

Strike 4 came when I tried to rekindle something with a high school boyfriend. He came to visit and was calling another girl from my home phone while I was at work. That other girl happened to be my cousin. She called me laughing saying I couldn't stop him from wanting her. I wanted to prove to her that I could keep a man. So I slept with him and it was the worst mistake of my life.

Now it's years later and I have a secret that I have to tell everyone I'm getting close to. I've learned to walk away instead of having that conversation. I know it's not the end of the world and for the most part, it hasn't stopped a thing. And yet it has stopped plenty. It defines me now. It's been 17 years and to this day, I have anxiety every time a guy shows interest. I feel stuck because of a decision I made so long ago.

It wouldn't be so bad except the only time I really attract men is at work or connected to my career. I know I've gotten promotions based on my looks. I know my stuff too but appearance helps when in a customer facing position. Now I've become an ice queen around men because I don't want them to be attracted to me. The last thing I want is for my secret to get out at work if things were to go bad. I've really got to deal with this one. It's heavy.

Tanasia

12/4/2020 01:04:12 pm

Wow! TMH be showing out. For real.

Anyway, my four of Pentacles moment was this crazy stint of trying to have a relationship too soon after separating from my ex and waiting on my divorce to be finalized. He was an old friend from childhood. He used to walk me to school when I was in kindergarten and he was in third grade. He had always had a crush on me...but I never took the bait for several reasons: 1) I didn't want our families to know (he was the poor boy whose house smelled bad and his mom was on drugs) while I was the nerdy little girl with a perfect life thanks to my grandmother. Anyway, as I grew older, he grew too and the awkwardness of the both of us blossomed into beauty.

He took me on a few dates as a teen, but we never took it serious, just remained friends who would occasionally kiss or try and experiment with one night stands, but no "Real" relationship happened. Even throughout my fifteen year relationship, we kept in touch. I would do small favors for him, write him a letter or two while he was locked up for 11 years, and would visit his grandma when I went back to my old neighborhood.

Then, here I was, losing the "Love of my life" to mental illness, and I found comfort in his arms. He was the perfect ear to listen. The perfect person to come to Texas and help me drive the small U-Haul with my clothes and car back to Florida. I stored my things at his house. We started a relationship, not because I loved him, but because he was...FAMILIAR. His jealous ways reared its head and he tried to control me with his drug money. Red lights flashed and I saw myself getting back into the same stagnant groove of being controlled by a man. This time...my instincts kicked in and I ran like hell.

He got locked up again for a few and threatened my life on several occasions. I had to eventually contact his federal probation officer and threaten charges to get him to stop. He's bitter as hell and hates my guts, but I couldn't see myself trapped with a man that I don't have love for controlling my every move and only really wanting to be with me because he could brag about the type of woman I am. No thanks and good riddance.

Ruth

12/13/2020 07:51:52 am

So, my first thought is, after reading this is, Don't be a dumbass (4P), let your light shine (Sun) so you don't get caught living lies (Devil). I don't want the Devil's shit hiding the Pearl that is me (don't cast your pearls before swine).

Okay, so. My 4P, is really about the parents. The Sun is my mom. The Devil is my paternal parent (I don't call him dad for a reason), and then I'm left with clutching whatever I can close to my chest as a way to protect myself, but my whole city (family) was broken and pretending otherwise didn't help. Protecting the abuser didn't help. And it meant my mom couldn't be her true self either.

I have always seen the 4P as a stingy person, but now I see more depth, not wanting confrontation, pretending, but "Pretending isn't a life." -Wolfgang in the show Sense8

12/13/2020 07:57:51 am

HOLD UP.
Avoiding confrontation? DUDE.
What did I just do right now? It's quiet, no one is up, and I started checking FB, instead of doing the next day. This is my time to actually do this since I got up early enough to do it, and what am I doing?

AVOIDING the next one. Avoiding CONFRONTATION. Avoidance is one of my coping mechanism tactics. I figured this out while in therapy. And now, here I am doing that again. SMDH

Dela

12/17/2020 01:23:43 pm

Stuck...I'm feeling stuck in this high school heart break. I'm find that a lot of my shadows rest in this trauma vortex I never address when I was 15. This card for me isn't so much about the heartbreak of a relationship, but the need of parents' affection. My parents are great people, and being their first born child, I know they were doing the best they can.

Knowing this as an adult, I don't resent them. However, my inner child is trying its hardest to diffuse blame and work out creating spaces where it can thrive and create. This card says to me that I'm stuck in the hurt inner child cycle and thought loop. Of hoping something will turn up the way that I want and needed it to. But I know what I need to be doing is creating that for myself. I can kick cry and scream all I want from not getting the attention, affection, or the like from my parents. But that doesn't mean I can't give it to myself. Need to find ways to give it to myself and heal that inner child wound.

40 days
of shadow work