of shadow work
facing the darkness /
to live in the light
to live in the light
This card was another one that threw me for a loop. It was hard to face. I couldn't figure out what I was looking at so it took me a while to understand. Finally I had to pray for discernment so that what was hidden would be revealed. Once I saw, I couldn't unsee.
First, the parents. This card is the Four of Pentacles, aka Sun in Capricorn. It is a combination of the Sun (joy, optimism, innocence, ignorance) & Capricorn (the Devil). The Devil card gets a bad rap (black wrap) but it isn't inherently evil. The Devil card is about places, faces & situations that are so intoxicating we never want them to end, therefore we become consumed with desire for that thing & only that thing. Fascination becomes obsession, preference becomes addiction, novice becomes mastery, a moment becomes a lifetime. When the energy of the Sun is combined with the energy of the Devil in the Four of Pentacles, it creates the experience of being ignorant to how easily & innocently one can become stuck. Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.
Let's look at the Four of Pentacles literally:
There's this grey sky (great guy). The first thing I notice about him is his grey eyes; he sees my soul (he sees I'm sold). It's kind of intimidating (it's him I'm dating). He's super focused, he always has money on his mind. I was so mesmerized that it took me a while to look at his shitty (city) background. (What I could see of it anyway... most of it was hidden) For one, he smoked like a chimney, which was just one of his needs (knees). Still he was so... disarming (these arms in). We tried to build a business together; he said he'll loan the money (heel on money), but then his boss called & told him 'you're fired' (roof fire). His solution was to sit alone (seedy loan) but he couldn't pay it back (coat painted black) even with a payment plan (pavement /plants). Even further back in his background was a mountain of debt (mountain in depth), & he never mentioned the foreclosure (four close here). Suddenly all our plans were blocked (plants blocked). We were scraping by (scrapers high) & he planned to steal (planted still). I thought we could live from the money he stole (money in his stole), but he held it back (held in black) from me. I stayed as long as I could but it hurt too long (hair too long). I knew I had to go but he had everything. He said 'where are you going??' (wear your coins) The fact that he held all the money pulled me back (black) in. I looked at the situation but it was hard to see (hard to seat). If I valued myself, I had to leave because I was not safe in his plans (not safe in his hands) & there was no savings plan. I had to see the truth (see the roofs). He had no love (no gloves) for me, we were just co-dependent (coat, deep in it). I could never get a straight answer out of him either; I'd try to have conversations about the relationship but he wouldn't address it (worn a dress, sit). I was trapped (tight wrap) & it had taken me too long to understand (too long to stand). I was unmotivated though, because the whole thing left me feeling dead inside (dead in his sights). If I wanted to live again (leave a gain), I'd have to take a cue from him & face forward, accept it (except sit) & walk away (walk way). This time, there's no turning back (turned it black / turned his back).
Ewww, I don't like this card, I don't like it one bit. & Just like dude's weird hands not quite touching the pentacle, I can't put my finger on it. It's that energy when you're being slowly deceived behind your back in front of your face, you know? Usually when people are being deceptive, things are very complicated & there are so many details in the stories being built (see the buildings??) I suppose that is the shadow energy of this card; paying so much attention to the surface details that we can't see the forest for the trees. In order to save ourselves from being stuck, we must use the light to see the things we don't want to see but NEED to see (need to seat). This will require deepening our view (depending on you) to figure it out.
It took me a minute to figure out what was that bordered line running underneath the man's two feet. He's in the city, so he's sitting on the crosswalk (across wall). If he's in the crosswalk, those are 'stop lines.' He has two stop lines to himself.
He has to stop lying to himself.
Here's my Four of Pentacles story:
I don't want to deal with this shittttttt!!! I am so tired of writing about this card, Imma keep it 100. I think that's the energy of the card, its this fucking exhausting, immovable, enigmatic, mysterious energy where you have to put the shit together yourself because somebody won't just MAKE IT PLAIN. Ugh.
I'm laughing at myself too because just now, writing about this card, I am understanding my son Othello & my friend Nicole better. They both have their suns in Capricorn & they are both very non-nonsense, cut-the-shit type people. Confrontational. So now I see why I hate this card because I freaking hate confrontation, it makes me uncomfortable af! That's probably why I'm stalling right now, because I can't think of a Four-of-Pentacles story because I never confront anything. (Seriously I hate this) Which means I'm the exhausting, mysterious person who won't just make it plain. Oh, ok. (I feel attacked)
This is such a stupid story but its a great example of my doublespeak (doubles feet) bullshit.
When my oldest daughter was about to turn one years old, her Dad & I were broke af. I was working, he was not. I had a pretty sweet job as a coordinator for an after school program but I got paid once at the beginning of every month & I was not very good at budgeting. My daughter's birthday is on the 30th, just before payday, so I had nothing left over to throw her a little party. The crazy thing is, I knew that was going to happen & I had planned for it. I'd put $200 away for her party around the middle of the month, but then during the third week of the month, my baby daddy's ex-wife started blowing up my baby daddy's phone, because her food stamps had run out & she didn't have any money or food in the house for their seven year old daughter. So obviously all three of us had piss poor money management skills but none of us acknowledged the fact. Also, she & I were both working, & the father of these children was not working, but nobody brought that up either. Instead, I wanted to please him (y'all know the next card after the four of pentacles is the five of pentacles...) so I took my $200 I'd saved for my baby's birthday & told him to go buy his other baby some groceries. I figured (read: lied to myself) we'd get the money back within the next week somehow & that the Most High would provide. But then that next weekend, my mama started calling, asking me if I was still going to have the baby's party at her house, because that had been the plan. Instead of admitting to my mama that I'd given the money away & couldn't afford the party, I said the most ridiculous bullshit. I told her we just wanted to celebrate alone with the baby & that she didn't even know it was her birthday. My mama was like, whatttt????? And I reiterated, we were just gonna have an intimate party of three. She hung up hella confused & annoyed af.
The next day, my younger sister called me. She lived with her mom, near my mom. Now, my mom & my stepmom both raised me & growing up I always felt a little guilty whenever I told my mom how much I loved my stepmom (especially her cooking) because my mama would catch the slightest attitude. Anyway, my sister was like, what's up with the baby's party? I repeated the same bullshit I'd told my mom except my sister (Capricorn rising) was not having it. She was like, what bitch? No. We are having a party. I'm throwing it if you won't. It will be at my mama's house. Bring that baby.
What was I supposed to do, turn it down??? (Confrontation issues) So I called my mama & told her that her grandchild's first birthday party wouldn't be at her house, but at my stepmom's house. She was like WTF. I came clean & said I really didn't have the money to have the party but my sister offered so I accepted. My mama was like nigga if you ain't have the money, why didn't you SAY SO? & I was like, because I know you didn't have the money either because if you did you would have offered. (Yes I said that to my mama & yes I am ashamed).
On top of that, I dressed my baby in the cutest outfit for her party, but when I got there my sister was like, 'ugh take that off, I bought her something new.' So in the middle of the party, I changed my daughter's clothes & put on the outfit her auntie bought & paid for. My mama was like, that's not the outfit she had on at first is it? She looked so cute! & I was like yeah, but her auntie bought this & I figured (read: I was too pussy to say no) it was cute.
I hate this damn story. I have lied to myself so many times & when you speak to others from a space of lying to yourself, it makes you look hella unstable because you end up explaining (& excusing) instead of just telling it like it is. It's not lost on me that I gave my baby's money away claiming 'the universe would provide' & the universe did indeed provide.
But at what cost...?
(What are y'alls Four of Pentacles?)
all of us.