day 35: eight of pentacles (break)

11/27/2020

Peace family! Can I just say I love this space & y'all shares & the revelations of these cards & this work!!! I am so grateful for each & every one of you, your transparency & your energy. My heart is so freaking full.

Also, I want to apologize for posting today's card so late (for some of you it might already be tomorrow), but this card whooped my tail! I'm 'bout to tell you how & when you read my story you'll understand that truly these energies are current, present & alive within us RIGHT NOW, revealing themselves for these lessons. Whenever I teach / study a tarot card, the energy of that card literally shows up in my life so that I can understand in practice, not just in theory & since we're on this journey together, the same might be happening for you. Let us be patient with ourselves...

Let me also preface this explanation by saying I am tired! I work constantly, because it seems like every new thing I get an idea to do, brings ten more things to do. The work never, ever stops, it just grows. I don't like taking breaks either, I just tend to wear myself out & then my body shuts down & forces me to rest. Ever since Covid when my kids started going to school online & I didn't necessarily have to make my sleep / work schedule revolve around pickups & dropoffs, etc. I reworked my schedule so that I could work uninterrupted at night. So, I work from about midnight until 7am, doing readings, updating my website, fulfilling orders, etc, & then I sleep until 9, wake them up for online school, sleep again until like 11am, take care of my younger babies, do household stuff, & then after dinner around 8, I crash until 11 or so & then get up and do it all again. This last week (especially with being committed to blogging every day), my days have started blurring together & I was getting to that level of exhaustion where I was emotional, irrational & pretty much surviving on coffee, weed & lo-fi.

Which is the state of mind in which I sat down at 1am this morning to understand & write about the Eight of Pentacles. Mind you, the Eight of Pentacles is also known as the Sun in Virgo. It's the combination of energy from the Sun card (Sun) & the Hermit card (Virgo). My natal sun is in Virgo, so I already knew I was finna feel attacked. I stared at this dang card for an hour waiting for the language of the picture to reveal itself so I could break it down the way I normally do but the only thing that broke down was me. After awhile I was just sitting there crying, feeling exhausted, pressured, sleepy, jittery, stupid. I made a deal with myself that I would ease up the pressure & just take notes on whatever came to me, but that I wouldn't write the actual post until later.

As soon as I eased off my own own back, slowly, the meaning began to trickle in. This is finna be a loonnnnng post, because once the answers started coming, they did not stop.

But first, let's look at the Eight of Pentacle's parents, the Sun & the Hermit. Remember, the Sun is the renewal, optimism & joy ( + innocence / ignorance) that comes with being born again in the spirit & learning to use new spiritual gifts. This is an odd energy to combine with the Hermit, because the Hermit is about being old & wise & focused on criticizing & analyzing the past before moving into the future. When you put these two together, the Sun in Virgo is basically what happens when you try to teach an old dog new tricks. They may learn (eventually) but they ain't gonna like it, not one bit.

Ok, now let's look up at the Eight of Pentacles (all the way at the top) literally: The first thing that came to me was making money, because in the tarot, pentacles represent money, & dude is...making it. There is a pentacle lost under the bench, so it looks like although he's making money, he's losing money too. He's creating the pentacles on a block of wood, so I realized that meant create-on block or creative blocks. And then I stared at the card some more.

Even though the answers were right there in my face, I couldn't see them. Then I was drawn to the fact that his tool is right by his eye, actually too close to see clearly. I was like, oh wow, literally me. I tried to imagine what dude in the picture would tell me if he could talk, & I heard him saying he's making money with his stake. I made with my stake. I made with my stake over & over. So then I realized this picture is saying that he is making the same mistake over & over, but he's (look at his posture) too stooped under to stand, or too stupid to understand. (Again, me.) Because he's making the same mistakes over & over again with his money, perhaps he's had to make some hard choices. I saw how the one pentacle was low under the table so I heard, money low, loaned money under the table. The pentacle has fallen behind his heels & I heard, fell behind a heels (fell behind on bills).

I looked back at the tool in his hand, & it seemed like a hammer to me. I thought, that thing would hit him really hard in his face & I heard hard to face. I saw that his left knee was touching the pentacle, which is also "work he's done himself," & I realized the picture was saying knees to work done himself, or needs to work on himself. (Again, me.) His knee is also touching his wrist, & I heard knees to wrist or needs to rest. It's hard to rest on a workbench (work binge) tho. His shirt is rumpled & out of his pants. He should put on a new shirt because that one was worn out. He's worn out. (& then I looked down at the black hoodie & crusty black pants I've been wearing four days in a row & again was shook at the accuracy.) If we assume that perhaps his first couple of pentacles in production were sub-par because he tried to do them on a flat surface; he needed to create-a-block (creative block) to prop (propel) his work. Once he took-a-brick (take a break), probably everything went smoothly after that. Look at how the man needs a shower, a shave, a haircut; he's been working so hard he hasn't had time to take-hair-off-himself (take care of himself/ take care of his health). Mind you, I realized the whole hair thing as I was randomly taking down a braid & putting it back in because my roots are fuzzy & I never take the time to do my hair all at once. This card is LITERALLY ME.

I figured I needed a fresh perspective so I took a break, smoked a little weed (dont' judge me lol) & sat back down at the computer. Immediately, I was in a more forgiving space with myself. If we look at the pentacles as the man's possessions, & he is renewing them over and over, then even though he's making the same mistakes, he's also "renewing/reviewing what's mine," or renewing/reviewing his mind. His work tunic is tied in the back three times. He's tried three times. The first pentacle is in the shape of a star, & the star is missing under his stand. First, I started to misunderstand. Then, the 2nd star on the ground is leaning on the stand, not lost under it. Second star on the stand / Second, I start to understand.

Then I realized that if we're counting the total number of the pentacles moving down the pole, the ones that have fallen off the pole are "less ones," or LESSONS. Instead of dropping it like the others, the worker has caught the most recent less-one, or finally gotten the lesson. Once you finally get the lesson, you realize there are so many lessons to get! If the lessons are pentacles, they literally never stop coming down the damn pole. The pole is outside because it is too tall to keep inside. You can't keep it tall inside, or, you can't keep it all inside. These lessons must be shared. Anything that is shared is a gift, & since these are personal lessons, this man is forging these gifts himself. This gives him purpose, mainly to forge gift himself, or forgive himself. Even so, some of these lessons/ gifts were lost & they were valuable. These are costly lessons. For the ones he has finally caught, he can charge a price. The more he gives his gifts-as-a-prize (gifts at a price), word about his production (which is self-made btw) will grow. When folks ask, who made it?, he can proudly say I MADE IT!

If we look at how the man's head is positioned, he appears to be nodding, literally on his shirt seam. He nods-on-my-seam, or he is not a machine. His work must be done piece by piece, one piece at a time & he must make his peace with that. Since he's self employed, he defines his own time. These gifts from the Most High (pole) will be given in defined timing, or divine timing. I looked closer though & realized its not a pole, its a tree that you can't see the top of. If we look at the home to the left of the picture, we can assume the man is on his family property, therefore these pentacles are passed down his family tree. These mistakes turned lessons turned gifts turned prizes are his inheritance.

Yet the man is alone, not shown with his family. In the left corner of the picture, we see his home & his back (which is unsupported as he works). We can assume he left home & had to turn his back to support himself, even though he's dedicated to the generational work of turning mistakes in his bloodline into lessons & gifts, even at the expense of his health & self care. There is one nearly perfect pentacle at the root of the tree, & the man's toes point to it. His toes-to-the-perfect-one. He was supposed to be the perfect one; one of his slippered shoes is tucked under the bench; he tries to hide his slippers / slip-ups but we can all see them anyway. We can also see his left heel is tucked in, or his heel in, or he's healing. If the two pentacles on the ground represent the man's first two mistakes, then his right foot (heeled) is tucked between them. We can see he has his heel between mistakes or, that he has to heal between mistakes. He can't hide his failures or his progress. His work happens in stages / on stage, so it is public & also incremental. This may be uncomfortable but will ultimately only increase the proof that he's self-made. The personal value of his work is directly tied to his ability to recognize the importance of the mistake / lesson / healing & whether he defines time to forge gifts for himself / forgive himself in divine timing. It won't matter that he was unsupported at home, because he's learned to work alone. He is self made. He is an army of one, & he discovers himself-as-team, or self-esteem. Yet since his gifts are also home-made (home aid) , they will bless his lineage whether they appreciate him or naw.

As his work increases, his opinion of his work will determine its quality. Currently, he has a low-inspect station or low expectations of his work. Everything is coming faster; he's overwhelmed by the gross amount of work (mistakes-lessons-gifts-prize-mistakes-lessons-gifts-prize) he has to do & he also feels gross because he doesn't have time for anything else. There is a freight being downloaded (afraid of being let down/ afraid of letting others down /afraid of downloads from the Most High) & its overwhelming af. Dude can never get it all done because as soon as he grasps one less-one, it changes into another & another & another. These less-ones are various, multi-fastened (multifaceted) & always accompany some sort of loss. They each are in the shape of a star & he has to make himself a star over & over again (make himself start over & over again). They only flow in one direction too (down). He can't gift-it-up (can't give up). It's very specific work too & the money comes down from the Most High (tree) accordingly. He pays attention to the details, working in his fine tunic (fine tuning). However because of his low-inspect-station, his view of his work is too narrow, too limited. He needs to raise his inspect-station, or raise his expectations. Doing so will allow him to raise up his eyes (raise his price), because he'll see how valuable his work/worth has become based on the extent of its reach (tree).

Rather than focusing on every little mistake & lesson, he'll see that he can maybe relax a little bit because after he's done all he can, his work/worth can stand. In fact it has become the stand (rooted in imperfection, mind you) , the standard by which other work is measured. After consistent practice (crack this), he has broken the mold.

Whew that was alottttt! The shadow of this card is being hard, critical & unrelenting of yourself. It's also giving up & quitting because it feels too hard; not because you're lazy but because you're overwhelmed. The light is accepting that the work is hard & you're likely unsupported, so you have to be gentle with yourself (take breaks), acknowledge that you can only do one thing at a time, engage in self care, & gain some perspective about how much your contributions (borne from imperfections!) really matter, both within your family (even if they don't give af) & within the world.

This is where I would typically explain a personal Eight of Pentacles story but I feel like I wove it in there somehow. Imma take this card's advice & let my work stand alone, quit typing & take a break.

What are y'alls Eight of Pentacles?

19 Comments

Author

all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

11/27/2020 11:24:36 pm

I feel like my first comment from day 1 is tied into this card as well, but on the first day I explained how the actions of my family put me in those situations where I had to fall and pick myself back up. This card though hold me accountable for my actions.

First I have so many great ideas and I do nothing with them. I will start but I never finish. It's like I am afraid of succeeding or failing. I actually think that I use my family needing me as an excuse not to actually go hard at my goals. If I am always needed and I have to take care of someone else then I won't have time to attend to my health and goals. It's their fault but no it is mine. I do not have to fix able bodied adults problem. If I let myself get caught up in their shit, it is my own damn fault.

I have so many gifts that I don't even put to use. I work in an industry that honestly just pays the bills. In this day and time I am not going to talk down on anything that pays my bills. I am thankful for all my blessing, but I am also not trying hard enough to turn those generational traumas into lessons and gifts to help others heal. I have been saying that I want to help children who have been through what I have been through so that they don't have to be in their 30s one day realizing their set backs are because of their abuse. I keep avoiding the path I feel led to be on.

Then lets talk about how I avoid. I keep wasting my time doing unproductive things on my downtime. I could be taking a class, reading a book, or volunteering my time but instead I opt for watching tv or spending way to much time on my damn phone. Lets not talk about the money I could be saving to put towards my goals. I constantly spend my money on shit I don't need. Just avoiding myself. I am also a chef who could be using their talents in so many ways but instead I do nothing with it. I literally have stored so much food during this pandemic I could start a side business or feed a damn army, but no, I just worry myself about shit that really isn't important. I have cut out all toxicity. I have removed all of my constant obsession over finding a man for myself. Which has turned my focuse on being committed to finding the love I need in myself before manifesting love with someone else. So what is holding me back?

I want to end by saying being kind to yourself is also very important through this process. This shadow work has also brought up a lot of shame for me and mentally I have been beating myself up in a lot of ways. It is good to check myself, but I also need to acknowledge that I went through a lot of traumatic shit in my life. Yes I could have made better choices, but in the moment sometimes you can do what you can do. Progression not perfection. As long as I keep steady on my path I am good. By us doing this God, our ancestors, and angels are getting us where we need to be. I am not sure this really ties into the card but I feel like that was a good release. Lol.

M4W

11/29/2020 08:58:42 am

I love Progression is not perfection! I hope you don’t mind if I borrow it

Caddie

11/28/2020 02:54:16 am

Since the pandemic hit, I’ve been working from home. In my love of work, this is difficult since I work with very small children. I have had to adjust, grieve, create my work schedule & make sure I show up to my Zoom meetings, lesson plan every week. It’s been a lot! I’m doing this launching a business, taking on new clients, creating content, making posts and videos, promoting my services, etc. It’s all been overwhelming! Since March I’ve tried creating one day to not to do business work. I loved up and work while depressed and was in denial about it. I started taking anti depressants after talking with my therapist (who pointed my depression out) & created plan with my PCP. And I find myself this Fall just tired. I wanna hibernate, and so I will. Doing a digital detox. I’m talking a break from social media. Maybe until January. I do feel burn out, but I’m grateful I didn’t crash and burn before I forced myself to take a break.

Ericka

11/28/2020 06:11:56 am

I feel like my eight of pentacles has been ongoing since I made the decision to leave a broken relationship with my children’s father and tackle it alone. I mean it was feeling like I was steady doing it alone anyway at that point so what the hell, after 7yrs I had reached my breaking point so I left.

I had never really committed to anything career wise in my life. While I was pregnant with my daughter (second child) I had decided to try and get back into classes to finally finish getting licensed as an Esthetician. This was my first time seeing something all the way through since high school! I was 29 at the time, but I was proud of myself. I had finally completed something and I was excited to build my career but life continued to happen. I found myself back in that loop again, I had the license but with being a newly single mom it was hard to find a spa I could work in and be out in time to get the children from school. I ended up putting everything I wanted to do on the back burner again and just did the best I could with what I had. I spent the past two years working for rideshare apps like Uber and Lyft while the kids were in school/daycare and doing food/grocery delivery when they were out just so I could make ends meet, control my schedule and be available for my children. This was all prepping me for the entrepreneurial side of me to bloom and blossom is what I take it as now. I worked everyday, Iiterally had my children 24/7 and soaking in a warm bath for 30 minutes when I could was about my only relief. I was very overwhelmed and depressed but I kept pushing. Pushing my dreams to the side, my emotions I pushed away to where I truly had become just about completely numb. I was in autopilot, my money started to leave quicker than I made it and bills were piling up! I was living off the grace of the overdraft fees that I accumulated to try and pay the last overdraft off, it was horrible. I kept trying to do it all alone, but that was my breaking point and when I had no choice then but to leave my comfort zone and leave the only place I known living in Texas all my life, and move my children and I to stay with my mother in Indiana. Where I am currently, as I see the number 8 and it’s 8:10am. I’m hopeful this new start is what will open new doors for me.

Tanasia

11/29/2020 03:57:50 pm

Keep pushing sis! Greater is coming.

Cheryl

11/28/2020 11:08:16 am

Day 35: Eight of Pentacles (Break)
Project looming over my head! Got to get it done. Learned so many lessons. Always double or triple the time you think it takes. Underpromise and Overdeliver. Don’t plan for the worst, but know if might be so much more than you thought. Example: lose your day job and need to find another one? Get a new one and 3 months in the pandemic starts? Can’t go safely to your art studio to finish the project? Have to push through fear and go anyway to get this work done.
I know it will be better on the other side of this, but it is hard and scary right now.

11/28/2020 03:46:10 pm

You are preaching to the choir with this one! To say I am my own worst critic is an understatement.

I have been working on a book project since last September. I truly felt I would be done by now, but there were setbacks. Many things didn’t go as I expected and I lost momentum. I refuse to give up and I know it’s to my detriment because I am very hard on myself when I take breaks due to feeling overwhelmed.

I don’t have the support I need, but I know giving up is not an option. I have a habit of correcting “mistakes” that are not necessary. Doing this delays the conclusion of this project.

I can see the big picture, then I get overwhelmed with the steps I still must take to get there. I feel trapped in an endless circle of self-doubt and pressure.

Acknowledging that I need to do one thing at a time is hard for me. But how else will something get done? It has to be one step at a time. It sounds so logical, but as I strive to do so, I feel such a heavy weight on me.

I know a part of this weight is financial and career freedom. I want this project to afford me that. I also realize I am thinking about past failures. My coach says I’m afraid of success, but I believe I’m afraid of failure.

I need to learn to be gentle with myself and engage in self-care. I need to believe in myself and the quality of my work!

Kelsey

11/28/2020 04:37:23 pm

I spent yesterday being fairly productive, checking things off of my mental list of tasks I wanted to focus my attention on. When I noticed that your blog post for the day wasn't up (after multiple times of looking throughout the day), I thought to myself, "Hmm, maybe Oubria's tired and just needs to rest…"

How quickly that understanding came to me when thinking of you, and how quickly it was forgotten today, when relating to myself! Late last night, I was excited to see your update and your new post, and told myself that I would tackle my response in the morning. It didn't come, so I decided to take on other tasks that I wanted to continue working on. Then, I realized I REALLY needed to take a shower and pack up to go home (since I was at my parents' for the holiday). But once I was in the shower, I got super tired, and felt so drained that there was nothing to do but finish the shower and go lay down for a nap. All the things I had planned for after that shower, be damned!

I woke up from my nap feeling a bit refreshed, but also irritable and still tired. I felt guilty too. Gotta shake that off though, because I'm just about to enter the 3rd trimester of this pregnancy, and I'm realizing that the smooth sailing of the 2nd trimester is coming to an end. It's challenging to stop and slow down so abruptly after having a few months of feeling like I can do anything, even while growing a human. I wasn't ready to slow down yet, but it's clearly time to adjust.

LMP

11/29/2020 09:45:44 am

Oubria, you are genius. I love the thing you do with the two parent cards and all of your word-magick.

If I place myself in the card, I immediately notice that I haven't secured the damn pentacles to the pole properly, (missed stakes) and one or two less ones fell and hit me over the head. (too much emotional overhead).

I built up a practice in a healing profession from nothing and then burned out. I keep writing really long passages and then erasing them. It all sounds like I'm making excuses, and this is 40 days of shadow, not 40 days of bulshitting yourself.

I was in a caretaking profession and didn't take adequate care of myself. The effort was balls-to-the-wall (pentacles on a pole) for thirteen years, at the same time I was getting married, having a child, having miscarriages, and getting scapegoated by family of origin. I gave my all to patients (I gave my all to patience), and then when I didn't have any extra it started being taken from my family. Things were missed. energy was taken.. I was missed-taken and not really inhabiting my own life. I knew if I stayed in, I would end up either making a missed-take with someone else's mental health or my own. This is hard to write. Ego is screaming at me, I am worried about how y'all judge me and I don't want you to think all therapists are messed up.

I am finally blessed enough to be in a financial place where it is possible take a break, but there's all sorts of shame and ego involved in letting myself have one, even though I was having panic attacks from burnout. If it wasn't an ethics issue, I might still be forcing it.

11/29/2020 03:55:56 pm

Whew! I swear these cards keep calling me out. I am...a lot of things...mother, wife, nurse leader, business owner, nurse consultant, author, blogger, and nurse practitioner student. When I tell you that I am TIRED. I am exhausted and even though I took a vacation, I still worked every single day in some capacity. Anyway, I have been divorced for just over a year, and I am so frustrated with myself and my money management. I am so used to two incomes that I still spend money like there are two of us. I am struggling to break old financial habits, build business, and not go bat shit crazy trying to be every woman to everyone. I was sulking in my misery and telling myself how terrible I am (sorry it's the Capricorn in me that makes me feel like a constant failure) when one of my friends who watched me go through the last two years of my relationship and my divorce called me. She told me how proud of me she was because despite all I've been through, I've bounced back very well. I never knew anyone was watching. It was then that I realized I had to give myself more grace. I mean, I left everything in Dallas and moved back to Florida with my car and my clothes. I'm proud to say I have accomplished so much in this past year and, although I have made some mistakes and I continue to try and take on things that I shouldn't and save people who would never save me, I am learning the lessons that The Most High is showing me. My spiritual gifts are growing...honestly, it scares me. I didn't ask for these gifts, but here they are and I'm embracing them. I will be the one in my family to break generational curses...poverty mindset, broken relationships, and no generational wealth to pass down to my children. I will be the light, even if my family doesn't appreciate it or thinks I'm a weirdo.

Tee

11/29/2020 04:33:19 pm

I've been thinking about this since it posted. As soon as I started reading, I knew this would be one I needed to think on and not rush to respond. Sometimes I feel the heaviness of being the one to break a generational curse and restore my family back to it's financial place. Then I second guess myself and even laugh that I think I would be the one given that honor. I'm not married and I have no kids. If there's anyone able to take risks, it's me. That thought drags me down. I feel like other family members sense that curse breaking energy in me too.

That thought irks me. While some family members support me, and believe in me. they aren't doing the work with me. A part of me feels like I'm sabotaging my own efforts because when I do make it, I don't want to take care of the family like my ancestors did. These able bodied people can figure something out like I'm trying to do. Then I feel guilty for thinking that way and assume that's why I'm not getting help. I'm trying to be stingy instead of breaking generational binds. To whom much is given, much is required. sigh.....

My natal chart has mentioned inheritance and doing things differently than they've been done in the past. I don't know how to connect that energy with all these ideas I have. I feel like I'm chasing 50 ideas and none of them connect to each other. All it does is make me tired when it's time to knock out some work. I'll start on one idea and then the idea from a year ago won't let me sleep. So I focus on that year old idea again. Then I'll get pissed off when I realize that If I had just stuck with the more recent idea, I would've been making money from it by now. It's a cycle of ideas and no return.

I gave up my nice 6 figure job to focus on my spiritual journey and I'm feeling more lost today than I did before I quit. Yet, I have more clarity today than I did back then. I wish I still had the money I had back then but it's time to focus on the ideas I have now instead of looking at the money that's "lost". I have it in me to pull down more pentacles. I need to act like I have it and stop crying over what used to be.

11/29/2020 09:57:00 pm

I just want to say that I can really relate to what you've shared here!!! I get very envious when I see others succeeding at what they do becuase it seems like they've stayed focused and stuck with something, whereas I'm always riding different waves of different ideas / desires. My response for the 10 of Wands card is basically about this! I really want to learn how to connect my various talents and interests to create a business (and ultimately a way of life) that makes sense and is focused. Thanks for sharing!

Val

12/2/2020 05:35:42 pm

The self-critic who lives inside of me is real. She has the loudest voice, the sharpest words, the heaviest hand. She gives no breaks. I have struggled with this woman all my life and, being a woman of a certain age as they say, that's been a long time. She shows no grace, no mercy. Every single day I have to pep-talk myself in an effort to quiet the critic who sometimes won't even let me sleep. It's exhausting.

On the outside, though, I look pretty together. So much so that if people really knew my inner dialogue they'd think I was crazy. If just for a moment I could step outside myself and see what others see, I might have a chance. Maybe I wouldn't just see the insecure little girl who only needed a hug a time or two from someone who would say it was okay--I didn't have to always get it right, I didn't always have to know all the answers, I didn't always have to be perfect, I didn't always have to shut my mouth, I didn't always have to say the right things, I didn't always have to hide my tears, I didn't always have to be the best, I didn't always have to bear the brunt...someone who would tell me it was okay to be me with all my flaws...someone who would just fucking tell me I was okay as I was. Then maybe I could be gentle with myself and love me as I am. (I even beat myself up a little bit, y'all, for not being able to add my comments to each of the cards... I got it bad.)

Oubria Tronshaw

12/2/2020 10:06:52 pm

Val!! I just had to respond to this one bc I beat myself up about not responding to every comment too. & Then I feel like if I can't respond to everyone I shouldn't respond to anyone. Thank you for sharing & giving me permission to get this done imperfectly bc otherwise it wouldn't get done at all. I appreciate you.

12/3/2020 11:23:54 pm

Y'all...this pandemic is kicking my entire ass! I work in Infection Control for a hospital system in Chicago. I work with patients, healthcare workers, visitors (until the no visitor policy was implemented) and anyone else who comes through the hospitals. I think I mentioned in a previous post that my department has been without a director for a while now so three people are doing the job of 5 (a co-worker left in October). Some days I feel like there's nothing more I can do to make sure people don't get infected, especially since my team has educated people on PPE, hand hygiene, and respiratory etiquette. I get that people are going through COVID fatigue (yes, it's a real thing) but at this point I'm tired of correcting folks on things they know they should be doing. I work 10 hour days, up to 8 hours on weekends, and I'm always on-call. After work, I do homework with my son (pre-school work is VERY time consuming), have mommy/son time, put the kid to bed sometime between 9pm and 10pm, then I do housework (because 4 year olds are messy) or catch up on emails and eventually I go to sleep. I've had about 10 days off from work since March. I've been trying to take some time off but I always get a phone call or urgent email. I desperately need time for self-care before I fall out. Pray for me, y'all!

12/4/2020 10:13:00 pm

Thank you so much for what you are doing! You and your colleagues are the real heroes of America, and I pray for you and am surrounding you with protective energy. God bless you!!! you are so appreciated.

Ruth

12/6/2020 01:49:10 pm

I can either take breaks or break.

I hate this.
I don't like this reading one bit. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. How can I charge for anything intangible?
How?
I know I undersell myself, but I spend my life justifying my existence., Justifying myself even when I try to apologize, because if people just understand my context then they won't hate me. This feeling is stronger when I actually care about people and I'm afraid of losing them.
I am so goddamned selfish, but wait. Am I really? That's what it feels like though when I think about having official prices for intangible things, like readings and energy healings and stuff. Everything is donation based. And it's covid so it feels worse to try to charge more. I hate spirituality as a business, but yet I need more money, and then I think I have plenty of money because look at all these crystals and Tarot decks I have, etc etc. And now have the audacity to want more? To even think about needing more money?

What is wrong with me?
And I feel like I'm wrong with me. I'm the one who's wrong.
Wrong to exist, to take up space, to have an impact.
But I do exist. And I do have an impact, so I can't even erase my existence without having an impact. No matter what I do, I will affect things and people.

So I just have to live. And find the joy in it.
But holy shit. Charge money? Have an official business with this stuff? Not some hobby donation based side hustle where I don't have to worry about paying taxes since no one is being officially charged, it's just what you can afford?

What am I doing?
I don't even know.
I know what I need to do, to some extent. I can at least do that.

Oubria

12/6/2020 05:35:40 pm

Ruth, I so appreciate your being here & all your shares today, & also the way you came in immediately supporting others. Your stories have moved me speechless & you seem to me a pillar of strength & vulnerability. Now if this was... say... electrical work we were doing instead of spiritual work, I would say that you're a master of your craft, ready for an apprentice. If this was... say... electrical work, I would assume you've gone through hours of costly training investing in your education & skill. But this is spiritual work. Do you know how Jesus used to heal people? By seeing them as healed. The way we as lightworkers heal people is because we know they can survive, because we have survived. We are the proof that the healing they seek is possible. Because of this, our training is really shitty bc first we have to broken, then we have to become aware of it, then we have to heal, then we have to give others strength. This is part of the contract of being a front line worker for the Most High, which YOU ARE. Can you imagine any other job for which one has devoted their life, & been trained since birth, & finally getting to the point where they can really be of service saying "I feel bad accepting money??" Is there anyone who would begrudge their oncologist his salary, after being healed from cancer? Is there anyone who would dare tell their therapist they should work for free?? Hell nawl! Because that training is respected & appreciated!. Its the same with you! You can in here & immediately connected with someone who had the most horrific story of sexual abuse & you were able to say ME TOO. Do you know how healing & affirming that was? So if you could go back to your childhood self, knowing her soul had signed up to be a healer & knowing the pain she would have to endure, how much money would you tell her she deserves for her sacrifice? ALL OF IT. There is no way in the world God gave you all those gifts & talents & empathy & understanding & wise counsel for you to feel broke & struggling for money. The only thing left is for you to truly understand the value of your service so that you can charge what you deserve. People will pay it, trust me. People will even pay it forward for those who can't afford you. You can still give your services away too- every doctor or therapist or reiki practitioner, etc. has some sort of sliding scale for those in need... but for the most part you have to start seeing the people you help as whole, abundant & willing to invest in their own healing journey. I know I've gone off on a bit of a rant here but this post touched me so much because I've struggled with this too, with feeling I didn't "earn" my gifts or "its not fair," that I have something others don't so "how dare I" charge them. That is bullshit! Should my plumber work for free bc I can't drain shit? Should my hair dresser work for free bc I can't do a press & curl? Should I get free clothes bc I can't sew? HELL NAWL. I also want to say that because you are such a serious healer, you've likely been one for more than one lifetime & you may have taken a vow of poverty at a certain point. It was cool for us to take those back then bc we could live in monasteries & convents & the people knew how to take care of us. Those days are over. Pray about that vow. Ask God what He thinks about you completing your priceless life training & then feeling bad about getting paid. You don't to give a damn thing away, Ruth. NOTHING.

Dela

12/16/2020 02:01:46 pm

I needed a break. This year, me and my partner actually had to circumstantially live in 2 different spaces. Before, I thought it was the worse thing. But now I'm seeing it as a blessing in disguise. I don't want to mess up this relationship, and this break and space/distance away from each other has been a great opportunity to let all my shit be laid out, unpacked, and dealt with.

It's another burn out card for me. I keep giving and giving and giving until I have nothing left to give. And when I have nothing left to give, I begin to give the parts of myself that is dirty, old, and the parts that nobody should receive because that's my business to take care of!

I have been avoiding myself altogether... I've been avoiding working on myself and have been just trying to "fix" other people. When I should really just be doing that myself.

It has been a mix of growing up with a mother in which everyone had to be walking on egg shells depending on her mood....one wrong thing and she'd start swinging (metaphorically speaking). The shit that used to non-stop come out of her mouth were hurtful and mean... and we have just learned to stay out of her way and keep her happy.

That has trickled into my life in how I show up in my relationships and friendships. Too afraid to rock the boat. And putting other people's needs first and neglecting my own.

Well.. i'm happy to say that I am taking a break from putting other people's needs in front of my own. I put my own needs first before I can place other people's needs in front of mine. I'm learning that that's how sustainability works.

40 days
of shadow work