day 37: six of cups (plans)

11/25/2020

After I studied this card a bit, I see why the Most High picked it for the day before Thanksgiving.

Of course, it starts with family. The Minor Arcana card Six of Cups is the glowing love child of the Sun card (Sun) & the Death card (Scorpio). The Sun card represents the joy, optimism, protection, freedom & spiritual gifts that come with total submission of the ego to the Most High; & remember the Death card (Scorpio) represents complete obliteration of relationships, authorities & circumstances blocking a brand new day. Basically, the Six of Cups (Sun in Scorpio) is the kid destined to do big things.

Let's look at the Six of Cups literally: There are two people, both wearing red hoods. The hood is still fitting for the woman on the right, but ill fitting the dude on the left. Not only that, but if you look at his legs, you'll see that he's literally growing out of a plant. There are four plants in the foreground (including the one he grew out of), so we can assume he outgrew someone else's earlier (be-four/ before) plants (plans). He's showing off his plant (plan) to the person closest to him, but his plant (plan) is too high (ambitious). She wonders if he'll bring them down a bit...? He realizes she needs to see him as stooped (stupid). Even stooped down though, he's grown taller than her. Behind them is the wall, yes? So against her wall (will), she looks up at him & against his wall (will), he looks down at her. With her left foot behind the plant in the corner, we can assume she feels left behind & cornered. There are plants (plans) but no growth where she stands. Actually, if you look closer, her right foot is between plants (plans). She's unstable. She wears one mitten, which prevents her from putting her bare hand (helping with) his plan. She won't (one) admit it (mitten) but she can't handle his growth. She hides her other glove (hides her love) from him. We only see one side of the man's body; this perspective of him is one sided. She can't see that he is supported by a pillar that holds a higher plant (plan). Behind the higher plant (plan) is a shadow's path. The shadow's spear simultaneously rests at a dead end on the side of the wall & spears the plant (Dead inside; spirit plan).

Since this is a Cups card, it deals with emotion, or in this case, intuition. The Sun bestows the gift of clarity to Scorpio, revealing clearly what is dead. When you speak to someone who doesn't support your growth or embrace your plans, you literally feel dead inside. It is a higher spiritual plant (plan) that this be the case, that you would keep your plant (plan) to yourself. Become self-tall (taught).

Shutting the hell up is the point of this card I think, because it's impossible to explain yourself to those who don't understand you, & unnecessary to explain yourself to the folks who do. The way you feel when you discuss your plans is how you'll know the difference; if you somehow wind up feeling stupid & dead inside, like a shadow of yourself, you're talking the the wrong folks. If you feel sky high & alive, you've found your tribe. Unfortunately, your tribe is rarely found at the family table. Even Jesus said (Luke 4:24), "Truly I tell you, no prophet is accepted in his hometown." The shadow of energy of this card is what happens when you keep trying, even after you notice your nearest & dearest suddenly looking at you a-type-of-way. The light is accepting that everybody isn't going to be happy for your progress because for whatever reason, your growth makes them feel small.

You see how dude bends slightly to be knee-deep in the bushes? He's belittling himself because he's needy (knee deep) in this bullshit (bushes). He's grown up with it. It's all he's ever known. You see how, from this perspective, the corner of the roof will poke him in the head if he stands straight up? This means he's got to move out from under this roof, & climb up out of these bushes (bullshit) in order to walk tall on his spiritual path. Sometimes the only way to prove that you've grown is to get gone.

Why stoop in the shadow when you can stand in the light? It's crazy though because the first thing you see in the light is the corpses of half-ass, non-supportive relationships.

Dead bodies everywhere.

Here's my Six-Of-Cups story:

I was struggling to come up with a story for this energy but then I realized it's because this energy is subtle af. It's hard to articulate that Six of Cups shit, because it's not so much what people say to make you feel small, it's what they don't say or how they say the things they do say. No one comes out & says they don't believe in you or they wish you'd sit down somewhere, they say things like, "Tell me about your back-up plan," or "Is that little project bringing in any money yet?"

You know what I mean? Condescension. But notice it never, ever comes from people who feel good about their own growth. People who feel good about themselves tend to mentor others because life yields life. Growth fosters growth. Condescending remarks always come from the people who want to tear you down because they're jealous. You are growing & they are not. You feel alive & they feel dead, & they hate you for your happiness. So I guess the Six of Cups is the spiritual intuition of knowing who's a mentor & who's a hater, depending on how they react to your plans.

When I first started mentioning the Melanated Classic Tarot Deck to my friends & family, they didn't really know wtf I was talking about. My (used to be) nearest & dearest don't mess with tarot or spirituality too tough. It's kind of lots of Jesus or nothing. They know me as being a writer & anything short of me saying I PUBLISHED A BOOK, they feel like I'm just distracted from my path. They don't think I'm evolving, they think I'm avoiding.

About two years after I moved to Cali, an old friend of mine from Chicago came to visit. I told her I was getting into tarot, & then I showed her my closet. When I was first learning the cards, I took a small closet in my home & pushpinned every card from my first deck on the wall inside the closet, & then I would sit cross-legged on the closet floor & study them, like in a tarot chamber. It was awesome!

Anyway, I showed my friend my tarot chamber, which would obviously indicate dedication & interest, but she didn't see that. She said, "Are you writing? Because the Oubria I know is a WRITER." Y'all.

Ok so flash forward like a year from then, & I'm accepting pre-orders for the deck & its blowing up online & all that. I explained to her that I'd taken a pretty popular deck & made it black, & that people were responding well. She listened but she didn't say much.

About a month after that, a very popular singer whose music I love emailed me & told me she'd bought one of the decks & she was excited to get it. We chatted back & forth a bit via a few emails. I was OVER THE MOOOOOON. I wound up talking to my friend on the phone later that week. She's a teacher; she talked non-stop for like 40 minutes about her students, the administration, her nigga, her kids, her mama, & I listened to every single word, gave great advice, all that. Finally she got tired of talking & said, "Now what's going on with you?"

In the past when she asked me that, I always had problems to match her problems, you know? But this day, I was feeling good. My favorite singer's favorite singer bought something I MADE. So I told her the story. She was like uh huh, huh, for real, ooh girl let me call you back.

Same thing happened with my sister- I told her about the singer buying the deck & my sister said, "Oh & you believed that was really her?"

Like...WTF LOL

Alright, I'm done. Happy Thanksgiving. Share your pies, not your plans.

What are y'alls Six of Cups?

7:16 pm Edit: I had to come back to this post bc if Imma do this work, I have to DO it. (Sigh) I have definitely been a hater. It wasn't that I hated anyone but I hated how their accomplishments made me feel because I wasn't on the same level, & I was unstable & I had hella plans but no growth. My younger sister went to medical school & started making really good money when she was fairly young. She is very smart & worked her ass off but when she hit certain milestones I lowkey wanted to avoid her just so I would't be faced with my own failure. When she bought her first house, I should have been first to go see it but I made hella excuses. When she opened her first practice, she had to ask me to come by. I didn't inquire oyherwise. My sister and I are very close in age & my father always compared us. When we were kids I could beat her at anything but since we've been adults she has whooped me in every category, from financial stability, to physical fitness, travelling- you name it. On paper I am a total loser when it comes to her. I know we all have our own paths & I wouldn't trade my journey for anything but I would like to be able to genuinely be happy for my sister even when I am miserable for myself. I really don't want to be a hater, it sucks. Whew...

19 Comments

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all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

Ericka

11/25/2020 12:02:59 pm

This six of cups energy is most definitely related to my dad. He’s the pessimist that always has some fear based opinion before every mentioning anything uplifting. I have been working on being submissive to spirit for my creative influence because I have been getting the nudge to start a business. I’ve never been able to stick with any higher learning that involved going college like my dad believes I need to be successful. I went and got licensed to work as an Esthetician instead, and recently decided I wanted to go a different lane with it and he would always be the one telling me allll the negative things about how that’s a luxury to get a facial or buy skin care products. They don’t make enough money, and my main concern needs to be my children. The irony for that to come out of the mouth of someone with 7 kids, 3 different wives and was not present in any of their lives growing up. I recently fell out with him when he sent me these text messages about another girls story of success and how she had a plan that could work, and how successful she had become..ect ect. I guess it was his way of being inspiring but was completely condescending. It was in that moment, in pure Sagittarius form, that I told him about himself and that I would rather he not send me anything as I have found my support system and if I was in need of his advice I would ask. That was the end of that, and I felt much lighter after.

11/25/2020 03:01:55 pm

This card has me in my feelings a bit. I have some people in my life that I have out grown. These people have been very dear to my heart because even though they weren't 100% there for me they have been there in some capcity through my struggles and that means so much to me. When I discuss my goals or accomplishments now they might say they support me but their actions say otherwise. I am starting to understand more and more that even though I might have seen someone with me on my path doesn't mean that is what God has planned. He keeps showing me over and over but I have been fighting it for so long. It's very difficult separating yourself from friends that aren't bad people they just aren't meant to go where God is taking you. It makes me sad just writing this. It kind of feels worse than my divorce because we are talking about 20 plus years of friendship. This post hit so different for me.

Jai link

12/1/2020 02:18:49 am

EB,

I completely understand. You are not alone in this feeling. It can be lonely and isolating and makes you want to draw closer to those individuals more. I noticed the harder I try to win them over, the more it hurt. So, now I practice distance. I learned that this change doesn’t mean they have to be cut out my life just that the relationships have evolved as they should.

Tee

11/25/2020 05:55:31 pm

Whew! This card hit home for me. I get so many good ideas and I tell everyone the idea when I get it. At first, I thought my family was supporting me because they would tell other people about my idea and helped me to get sales. I remember telling them I'm not ready to sell yet but I would do it for them because I knew them. At some point, I realized that support from family was really hate. They didn’t think I would be successful and this was their way of showing me it wasn’t a good idea. They would wait for me to fail and then give me some bullshit ass response like your next idea will be the one. If I challenge them on their support, they could always say they did what they could to help so it must’ve been my idea.
I started paying attention to whose energy shifted when I talked to them about an idea. If I could tell they weren’t interested, I didn’t discuss it with them anymore. I got pretty good at doing that except with my Mom. She doesn’t want me to be successful and that’s been the hardest pill to swallow. She’s positioned herself to be the matriarch of the family. I believe she’s afraid that if I become successful, she won’t be the star anymore. She’s been that way my whole life. If I’m having a conversation with my Dad or brothers’, she will interrupt it to get the attention back on her. Same with other family members. It’s gotten to the point where people sneak and call me.
I had a reading once and was told that someone was sending me the evil eye and I knew it was my Mom. I love her so much and I don’t know how to break this tie. We don’t live in the same state and it saddens me to know she’s not my number 1 supporter. I was hoping I could use my friend’s as my tribe but I’ve learned they aren’t going to be my tribe either. I have a feeling it’s going to be a bunch of strangers on the internet that get me. I tried finding groups in person but the leeches would always find me and hit me with the “please, be my friend” and I would fall for it.
This card has really bummed me out today because I see how it’s led to my fear of success. I know my family loves me through all my failures but I fear they won’t love me through my successes. So I sabotage myself for acceptance. I need to stop bending myself down to fit in. This spiritual path is showing me that it’s ok to stand tall and be great. Thank you!

12/1/2020 02:27:30 am

Tee,

I feel like you are living my struggle as well. I just found out my mom was using (hustling) me. I thought I was taking care of family when really she was using me to keep a house and start a business that she said “we” were doing but ended up stabbing me in the back. She still smiled to my face though. For over 10 years acted like she supported me and lied to my baby sister about me, the home I bought so they had a place to live, as well as the business I started with her. Now, my sister hates me for reclaiming my name, my social security number, and my peace. I realized I loved them but they are living in their own storm and to try to love on them but that would mean the destruction of my own soul. So, I cut ties and I focus on self love and investing into the souls that pour BACK into me.

Cheryl

11/25/2020 07:32:24 pm

Oubria -- you nailed it! Being an artist always meant "what is your REAL plan?" to my family and friends! Six of Cups all the way.

11/25/2020 08:30:44 pm

The Six of Cups card definitely hit home for me. I have been hated on and definitely have hated on others for their accomplishments.

Firstly, I have a friend who I feel I can never please. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life trying to get her to pat me on the back. When I wrote my first book, I don’t feel she supported me like I hoped she would. When I see her praising other authors, it feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest.

Not getting the support from those who are closest to you when you are striving to reach your dreams is a slap in the face. I have definitely felt the sting of this slap time and time again as I continue to strive to accomplish my goals. In the meantime, I have definitely learned that family and close friends will not support you “just because”. The realization of this stung like a bee sting the first time I recognized this, now it’s a dull ache that never seems to go away.

All in all, I learned not to share my plans with many. Just the select few that allow me to feel energized when I share. I have experienced the “dead” feeling from folks that could care less about your dreams.

I’m at a place in my life right now where I feel I have to put my best foot forward. I feel that I have let the judgment of others deter me from the prize. As I stated in yesterday’s entry, I allowed the judgment of others to rule me much more than I should have. I am working to believe in my abilities again.

When I didn’t believe in myself like I should, seeing others accomplish goals that I had yet to accomplish made me feel unaccomplished and jealous. I am learning to travel my own road of success because it’s different for us all.

One more tidbit I must add. Just prior to beginning this shadow experience, I began going on Facebook Live attempting to do Daily Tarot card pulls. I feel I received good practice and results, for the most part, but I pulled away. Partly because of the judgment of a close friend of mine. She said tarot reading was occult practice. I felt attacked, but I pulled away with intentions to continue learning and researching. Then this shadow experience came along and I am learning so much! Thanks again, Oubria. Basically, we have to know who our audience is. Everyone will not appreciate and accept our gifts.

I am shutting out the naysayers and letting my SUCCESS make the noise!

Kelsey

11/25/2020 09:58:05 pm

Thank you for highlighting the subtlety of this card, Oubria! I have definitely been on both sides of this experience, feeling the deadness in response to the sharing of accomplishments or life-giving plans especially with friends.

What I'm noticing now that I hadn't before, is how often this happens with my mom. She doesn't make snide remarks, but she does tend to space out or change the subject whenever I tell her about things that I'm excited about or am passionate about, and those are usually things associated with my spiritual growth. It's like she can't handle it. I always feel so dejected because the conversation just stops there--hits a wall--and there's no possibility for me to continue talking about something that means so much to me with someone I love so much, unless I force it. It's so painful. I just want her to see me and understand my gifts.

A similar feeling of life-draining dejection comes up for me whenever my mom praises my daughter. She has such huge praises for my daughter and her accomplishments (at 3 years old), and zero praises for me as the mother who taught her these things. I hear myself screaming in my own head every time, "Don't you know she's this way because I raised her to be this way?! This shit is no accident." But, I don't want to swear at my mom, so it stays in my head and I die a little inside. Ugh.

Cad

11/26/2020 03:45:39 am

I’m definitely moving through a death (transformation ) I launched a business in April, became committed to make plans to quit my main gig & work as an entrepreneur. Redefine how I spend my time, energy & resources.

I’ve been sharing my plans with my Mom & two of my sisters (the only immediate family I’m talking with). I don’t think they understand how much my life has changed since the pandemic hit. I think it’s business as usual. But not for me. I don’t feel supported in the person I’m becoming. And I’m tired of hearing all them bitch and complain about family & work shit. I wanna say, “Don’t y’all know this time is a portal?!” I started reducing my time on the phone with them, text every once in awhile. I’m growing new skin & the folks who are suppose to be the closest, don’t give a damn.

The Five of Cups upright is about Childhood memories. This card reminds me the childhood trauma I experienced all my childhood. I felt unheard, unseen.

Learning that I need to share my plans and yumminess with folks who care, see my growth. And sometimes keep that joy to myself for awhile to savor it.

B.M.

11/26/2020 08:34:25 am

Oubria, today’s message is EXACTLY what I needed to hear..okay! Can I get a AMEN!!!

Let me go over each statement that resonated with me and explain why.

1. When you speak to someone who doesn't support your growth or embrace your plans, you literally feel dead inside.
2. Unfortunately, your tribe is rarely found at the family table.

Eight years ago, I needed a change and intuitively I knew I wasn’t going to be supported. So I cut off all the people who would of made me feel dead inside; friends, family, former associates, EVERYBODY…but one. I still talk to my mother off and on and she is a hotmess.com. , but I am grateful because learning how to maneuver around her toxicity has taught me so much. She violates boundaries in such creative ways. Once I figure out what she has done, I don’t know whether to be pissed or impressed. I’m definitely not impressed, but I can acknowledge my mother is one of my greatest teachers in life; she teaches me what not to do.

3. You see how dude bends slightly to be knee-deep in the bushes? He's belittling himself because he's needy (knee deep) in this bullshit (bushes). He's grown up with it. It's all he's ever known.

I am the quiet one in my family, the observer. I was also the mediator (but not anymore!). I remember when I would say things that went against the grain, others tried to make me feel crazy and selfish. Once I started my time in solitude, I realized how manipulative the people closest to me were. They tried everything under the moon to make me afraid of changing and thinking on my own. Since I was needy and had low self-esteem, they were successful for a LOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG time.

4. Sometimes the only way to prove that you've grown is to get gone.

One day I decided to move to Europe and three weeks later, I was in Europe looking for an apartment. I consulted only one person and did not tell another soul. Once my plans were final and already in motion, I told my mother. Needless to say, she was taken aback. This move was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Especially since the rona is a thing now. I have learned the best way to start healing is to reduce my availability to low-vibrational energy. If I got to move across the ocean to do it, so be it.

Jai

12/1/2020 02:34:23 am

You are speaking a powerful word of taking control of your journey and moving how YOU need. Thank you.

LMP

11/26/2020 09:33:42 am

This card is my life. Tall poppy syndrome. My family, the subtly condescending, "what's your back up plan" variety of dismissing me, and my ex-best-friend, who was blatant af.

This bitch invited herself to be my maid of honor by saying "am I going to have to wear a stupid dress?" when I told her I was getting married. Mortified for us both, I am the bitch that went through the charade and allowed her to be my maid of honor. She showed up late to everything, including my wedding day, because she was making me a greasy, salty breakfast; and didn't have a speech, because she had it on an iPad that went dead, and spent all the other speeches having a not-so-silent meltdown frantically searching through her phone. When I had a baby, she said she would be a part of my daughter's life, showed up once, and then split for a year. When she resurfaced, it was to send me a long DM on Facebook about what an asshole I was for making a series of november gratitude posts (remember those? I thought we all agreed to either like or scroll) and that I was bragging for publicly expressing gratitude for my job, husband, and child.

Then there was my dad who looked at me dead-eyed when I discussed my plans, to the point that I would ask if he was listening. Bored, he would recite everything I had just said. Oh, so he wasn't tuning out. He just didn't give a shit,

Then there are my siblings, who were constantly shitty. When I complained to my mom she told me they were jealous. What she didn't do was to help us all with our jealousy and teach us to support each other.

I was always a bit of an other in my dad's big immigrant Catholic family, because I was liberal, pro-choice, and had done way, way more anti racism work on myself than them, and that is to say, I did any at all. My mom marched to a different drum, but then again, they didn't like her either. She did believe in me, but she didn't believe in herself and I made myself smaller because I thought I could lift both of us up.

But to tell you the truth, none of this is what haunts me about the card right now. Yesterday was my birthday, and most of the fuckers I've mentioned and many of the ones I have not are either dead, long gone, or being grieved, and needless to say I didn't hear from them and I'm only a tiny bit bitter at this point. What fucking kept me up last night was the idea that I could do this to my daughter. All of your stories and experiences of you saying that you cannot find support at the family table.

Fuck! I can't be that way. I mean, if she needs to rebel against me a little in order to get her creative juices flowing, ok, I can stand guard as the archetype she seeks. But I cannot perpetuate this damn cycle and kill my baby's spirit. As if to test me, yesterday the first thing she said to me was, when I grow up I think I'm going to do something with art, possibly clothing. Part of me DID think, well I hope she has a back up, I don't want her living hand to mouth, blah blah. What I said out loud was, that makes a lot of sense, you're really creative and clever and have a great sense of design and wonderful ideas. Whew! I am seeking the wisdom of the six of cups to help me tend and water my plans, and the plans of the nearest and dearest.

Oh, and I have definitely been the person who could not be happy for others. I have under responded to news of marriage when I was single and lonely, and I have been tongue tied and unable to respond to countless pregnancy announcements during the years after my daughter was born and I had three miscarriages in a row before I aged out of fertility and gave up on trying to have another. I have not gone to baby showers. I'm proud of myself because now I am at the point where a young cousin of my husband is pregnant and I'm thrilled for her. Although this girl has been plagued by infertility and I'm cheering her on. It's waaaay harder to be happy for the other cousin, whose oldest is the same age as my daughter, and then for each of my three miscarriages they had another three kids. It's hard to know why these things happen. Now that my parents are dead, I have a hard time feeling happy for people that are visiting parents and I'm extremely jealous of people with parents who are active grandparents to their kids. I have been getting the Death Card a lot lately, and I think that he is here to help me heal and let go of a lot of this stuff.

Tanasia

11/26/2020 01:12:03 pm

These cards...baby when I tell you these cards are so on point. I have a business. It was born out of COVID. Nursing schools are no longer allowing students to come to campus, and the e-learning environment is not conducive to students learning things such as how to take a blood pressure or assessment skills. It took the man in my life making me see the precious gift I contained by way of nursing knowledge and training for me to see that I have a gift to be shared with the world.

I currently do CNA trainings, phlebotomy trainings, CPR, and other training courses. One of my closest friends, we have a matching tattoo behind our right ears proclaiming our sisterhood, has never shared any of my fliers for my courses or referred anyone to me. The same goes for the majority of my family members don't share my posts either. They just stand by and watch. Anyway, this "sister" calls me out of the blue, I'd been backing away from her because of her behavior...complaining, wanting me to listen to her problems and not willing to listen to mine, talking shit about my poly relationship while she juggled her absent baby's father and an older man who only used her for sex and opportunity.

Anyway, in this two hour conversation that we had, she told me how she wanted a career change. Since having her baby, she wanted to stop being a leasing agent and take her CNA so that she could have more flexibility in her schedule. She asked me about my upcoming CNA course and how much it would be. When I told her the price, she claimed that was all the money she had in her savings and then proceeded to ask me to teach her for free. I restated my price and explained the overhead it takes for me to teach each student and she proceeded to say that she would wait.

Fast forward two week, I call her just to see how she's been and she proceeds to tell me that she took a CNA course...somewhere else, and that course cost more money than the cost of my program. When I asked her for an explanation, she said her baby's father paid for it and that she needed to do it right away...but she took it on the same day as my class. The bitch just didn't want to pay me. Then, on top of that, she proceeded to ask me to help her study. Needless to say, I lost it and cursed her out. She's blocked.

Moral of the story, people show you who they are. Believe them. If she wanted to support me, she would have been supporting me all along. I'm glad to be rid of fake friends, flaw ass family members, and people who don't mean me any good.

11/29/2020 09:22:19 am

I go through this with my mom. She and I used to be really close but we have grown apart over the years. I used to tell her everything. She seemingly supported my dreams and endeavours but I later found out that she would talk behind my back to my cousins. For instance, when I bought my house she told my cousins I couldn't afford it and I couldn't move back in with her and my dad when I fail. I've been in my house for 10 years now. About 3 months ago, I told her I was going to speak with leadership at my job about updating my job description and getting a raise. My department (Infection Prevention) has been without a director for almost 2 years and this has been extremely tough during COVID. Being the person with the most seniority, a lot of the director duties have fallen on me. My mom's response: "You're not gonna get a raise. Do you even qualify for a leadership position? Why would they change your job description when you're already doing stuff for them for free?" I haven't told her that my job title and description have changed and I'm being compensated more than what I asked for. I hate (and I strongly dislike that word) that I can't share things with her any more. It's even more difficult feeling like she doesn't support me. I've wanted to talk with her about it for years but I chose to just ignore it. Now that she's recovering from her near death experience, I'm feeling guilty and even more confused on how to handle this situation.

Robby

11/29/2020 09:29:27 am

I think many parents like to brag on their kids. My son did this and my daughter is now a that. My parents have not ever, at least not where I could ever have heard it. A neighbor told me that my mother was proud of me for graduating high school. I was surprised to hear that because she didn't say it to or around me. I assumed the neighbor was speculating because my mother spent much of my childhood telling me what I wasn't going to be. It was a vet, I wanted to be a vet from the moment I found out there was a way to get paid caring for animals, even got a special high school diploma. Never became a vet, years of hearing you're not going to be a vet, years of being told you'd have to be good at math and your not, years of there's a lot of science, and not passing chemistry the first time (after passing biology and being asked to take advanced bio) meant I wasn't smart enough.

My father drove me to school and most days would spend the half hour drive telling me everything that was wrong with my brothers, sister, mother and mostly myself. I left that car with tears in my eyes many days.

Needless to say, I didn't grow up with a solid foundation on how to be happy for others. I didn't have role models for building up other people. I have learned and am learning to be a cheerleader for others. I am and can be genuinely happy for someone else's success. The cost of it is that I don't really recognize my own success. I feel like that's great for them because they are other. I compare myself to the friend with the new house, the friend with the engagement ring, the friend with the marriage where they are growing their family and welcoming another edition, the friend with the kid that is in the specialized program.

I think this tells me that I really need a gratitude journal and to make a conscious effort to be happy for myself. I know that even at 40 making my parents proud isn't happening, they are not looking for that. But, I can make me and my daughter proud... I probably already do, and that's plenty.

11/29/2020 07:19:09 pm

"Sometimes the only way to prove that you've grown is to get gone. Why stoop in the shadow when you can stand in the light?"

get gone. This card and reflection is bringing up alot. I think for me the growth aspect of this and the death feeling when you outgrow folxs that you care about. If I look back on some of my most challenging times, it definitely centers a cycle ending (the world card). It centers me focusing on things that no longer serve me, as opposed to the new energy that was brought in. It centers me not being able to stand in the light, the fear of it. Possibly the fear of the unknown, going by myself, and the responsibility of the "next level."
"Getting gone" is a cosmic marker, that there has been a shift, hopefully growth, ultimately death/rebirth. Easing into for real that all people, places, and things cant go with you, sometimes you have to leave those things where they are.

12/1/2020 02:50:31 am

Oubria,

Thank you for the understanding.

I can definitely say I’ve been on both sides of this coin. My jealously was a reflection of my lack of confidence, fear of failure, and lack of self awareness.

These things are something that I’ve realized were engraved in me from a young age for a variety of reasons from feeling abandoned by my father, thrown into adulthood at a tender age, and growing up without a mother. I avoided self reflection.

But I grew into a woman and I started my shadow work and the spirits of my ancestors and God continually birthed in me books to share my journey. I thought I was helping others you see, but I was finding myself. I began to see the low vibes of feelings jealous of another woman. I found myself being a cheerleader but when I looked around no one was a cheerleader for me. So, like many of you when a creation of mine was dreamed I shared and people fake smiled and urged me to do things only to not support me. For intentional failure. Sabotage. They’d take my ideas and start a variation of it and I still supported them.

Now, I realized these individuals were just revealing themselves as those that I needed to distance myself from. Not cut completely off but just to “feed with a long handle spoon”. So, that’s what I do now. I have so many projects going on and honestly, I don’t force them, these things just evolve on their own. I learned each small venture builds upon the next. A business failure or stagnation is a lesson needed to strengthen the main project.

I feel like we can all sit together at the table and eat.

Ruth

12/6/2020 08:46:46 am

Thank you for the edit. That was powerful, and I have seen myself in that attitude with other people where I feel like I'm better and how dare they, and then it's like, I gotta get over myself and just do me and be happy they are doing them.

I found your interpretation interesting because you talked about a man and a woman, but I always saw the two main figures as children, not adults.

But then you started talking about how your tribe often isn't blood relations. And you know what? I literally just finished watching, for the first time, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. I dunno if you have seen it, but in essence, the main message I got was that The Bonds Of Found Family Is Stronger Than Blood.

I remember growing up pleading with my parents in various ways that the abuse needed to stop, that we needed to get out. My mom was broken down, classic learned helplessness case. My paternal parent, he just told me I was never a delicate child and my pleas fell on deaf ears. It was worse than talking to a brick wall. At least the bricks didn't hurt me and if I were quiet enough I could hear the thrum of mother earth in them.

I am struggling again inside about family vs found family, and that needs to stop.

I don't need the toxicity of blood family. The bonds of found family is stronger than that. I need to remember that with faith hope and trust and a little bit of pixie dust (for the magic ya know).

Dela

12/16/2020 01:33:17 pm

Thank you for your reflections and everybody for sharing their stories. My 6 of cups story is about a break up. My very first boyfriend was a dream. He was a couple years older than I was. When I started dating him, I had lots of people tell me not to date him. "He has a temper, he's just a guy who jumps from girl to girl....etc" But of course I didn't care. He showed me attention and affection and I was with it. He was quick with the wits, he even wrote me raps which I admired so much. We shared music taste and he also shared new music with me expanding my library. I had never felt so taken care of...or so I thought. As my first boyfriend, a lot of firsts happened. First guy to take me out on a drive, first guy to take me out to sushi, first guy that fingered me in the back of a car, first guy I'd let sneak into my room, the first guy I had sex with, ultimately the first guy that got caught in my room and eventually led to the disruption of me and my mother's relationship.

Yeah, I snuck this boy into my room and one morning my mom found him under the sheets butt naked while I was in the bathroom. Since then, my mom and I didn't get along too much. She told me to stop seeing him and everything. I loved him so much that this felt like betrayal from her. But I see now it was just protection. That motherly protection.

But that's besides the point. Shortly after this dude was found in my room, we had to sneak around to be together and see eachother. Eventually he got tired of it and decided to break up with me. However, the minute he broke up with me, I find out he's at his ex's house. His ex has the same name as me, BTW. I was so livid! How you gon' be with me, tell me you love me, then the next day be sleeping over some other girl's place like????

Ever since then, I became super jealous of other women. Thinking I am worthless if they are prettier, talented, or successful. As if I am not alll three of those things, too. I have given my power and worthiness to this one boy and it wasn't fair to myself. So it has taken me a while to get back into the game of self love and self appreciation and I see it as an everyday job. No man is responsible for my happiness.

40 days
of shadow work