of shadow work
facing the darkness /
to live in the light
to live in the light
I once asked the ancestors in my maternal line (through a tarot reading), "What is the energy y'all been dealing with forever that you want me to break?" & THIS card popped out. Ugh there's so much I want to say about this damn card I am overwhelmed. Let me begin at the beginning, drive slow.
First, the family. The Five of Pentacles (Mercury in Taurus) is the Minor Arcana portrait of its Major Arcana Parents, Mercury (the Magician/ left) & Taurus (The Hierophant / right).
Any card that has Magician energy means shit is finna get tricky. The Magician can either mean manifestation or manipulation, depending on the day. Imo, in this card, the Magician means manipulation. I mean, let's look at the Magician- dude is able bodied & confident af, all powerful, with the four tools of creation (spirit, emotion, thought, resources) at his fingertips, so why is he appearing in the Five of Pentacles as a wounded 'lil troll? Why is he using his tools like crutches instead of being a craftsman? Because manipulation, that's why. He's following up behind the Hierophant, & something ain't right about that either. First of all, why is the Hierophant, the keeper of order, structure & faith, dictator of ritual (rich, you all) outside the church, barefoot in the cold? What in the hell is going on here??
Let's look at the card literally. There is a broken man (or appears broken anyway), following behind a woman. From his demeanor, we can assume he's losing her (a loser). If he says anything, it's likely a plea, or please. Or perhaps he's uncertain about how / when he'll get out of the cold, so he asks her over & over, "Go in? Go in?" (Going, Going) He's drawn to the church peephole, which looks so warm & pleasing. (People pleasing) She presses forward, despite her cold feet. She has no shoes (choose / choice). She is so tired. It's snowing (it's no win / it's no end).
Let's discuss the Hierophant a little further. The Hierophant represents the individual law & order within each person. We all have our own personal laws & code of ethics that we adhere to, whether we discuss it or not. Each person has their list of things they will do & the things they won't do. It's called integrity, & is the foundation of self-respect, or the ability to consider one's own wants & needs because they are consistent, ordered, law. Self-respect is the by-product of an interior landscape that does not change, that does not flux, regardless of circumstance or influence. It is the result of becoming a law unto oneself, where one's principles can safely abide.
Trigger Alert: But like panties pushed aside even though you said no a thousand times, the Hierophant can be lured from her sacred inner riches into a life of moral bankruptcy with a single fucking word: PLEASE. & Lord knows these Magicians love to say please. Please baby can I borrow your car, please can I take the condom off, please let me hold $20, please let me fuck one more time, please suck it, please suck it, please do this for me (its the last time, I promise) please understand, please take me back, please don't be mad, please don't tell, please don't yell, please don't cry, please don't go, please have my baby, please have an abortion, please hang up the phone, please pick up the phone, please come back, please trust me, please forgive me, gimme one more chance, please, please, pleas, pleas, pleas.
It's literally exhausting, you know? It wears a bitch down. But what are you gonna do? We sympathize, empathize, rationalize. We're GOOD PEOPLE. We don't leave folks (especially broken, needy folks) behind. It ain't right! We weren't raised to say no! We were taught to say yes, to be agreeable, pleasing. (Peep-hole / people pleasing.) We were taught that should someone pay attention to us, even if just for a moment (a peep!), they better see someone warm & inviting. Though we hesitate (cold feet), we have no shoes (choose). Please. You have to. It's the magic word (Magician's word).
Yes, please is the shadow energy of this card, but the light is right there on the flip side. The midget Magician motherfucker has successfully switched our reality by turning our kindness against ourselves, & all we gotta do is switch it back. Look at the church behind the Hierophant; this is the Hierophant's home, yes? This is the place where her principles can safely abide, the kingdom of heaven within her? So all she has to do is go in. Not keep going, going with the bullshit but stop, say NO, & go abide within her original morals & decisions, effectively leaving him out. Simple. Dwelling inside your self-respect is heaven & living outside your integrity is hell. Do you want to be in hell? HELL NO. And the fun thing about saying hell no is you can always say it no matter how many times you've already said yes. You might feel guilty but that's manipulation, don't forget. Everybody is able bodied & equipped with their own ability to manifest & do for self, ESPECIALLY a freaking Magician. No one is a loser here. Everybody can go in (Go, Win!).
Here's my five of pentacles story: (Disclaimer: This story is uncomfortable for me & I use the n**** word a lot. I am sorry to whoever that offends)
When I was like 20, I worked for a telemarketing company up north (Chicago). One of the supervisors was 36, kind of cute, & hella flirty with everybody except me. I felt left out, so I started going out of my way to be noticed by him, even though I wasn't that attracted to him. But the fact that he didn't automatically like me & try to fuck me, bothered me because he tried to fuck everybody else. If you grew up in Chicago (or anywhere for that matter) you know that by a certain age, you measure your self-esteem against a nigga's thirst. (If he ain't trying to holla, I must not be cute...) About a week into us flirting, he told me he was married, so I backed way the hell off. I was so young that it hadn't really dawned on me yet that niggas really be out here cheating on their wives, because I'd only had boyfriends my age. I thought somehow my morals would make him feel convicted, & he'd stop flirting so hard - not just with me, but with everybody. But it didn't work that way- he kept flirting with all the other girls but stopped flirting with me & lowkey called me a prude/unrealistic. I felt left out, so I started flirting with him again. Now I'm still thinking shit is innocent or whatever, because I was young. I did not recognize that I was playing with fire. The job would have these payday parties at a local lounge with food & hella Tequila, & one day he asked me if I was gonna go to the party (please?). I felt included & I liked that feeling, so I said yeah. Then he asked me to wear a skirt to the party (please?) & I said yes to that too. I had taken the bus there, but I needed a ride home (please?). About an hour before the party ended, dude offered & I was grateful.
We had been in his car a few blocks when he started touching on my thigh. I wasn't ready for all of that (although I did wear the skirt like he asked) but I didn't know how to say stop, no, so he kept doing it. His hand went higher & higher & when I didn't stop him, next thing I knew he had pulled the car over & was on top of me. Like, in seconds. & I kept asking myself if I'd agreed to this but I knew I hadn't because I was on the last day of my period & I was still wearing a tampon, so I was in no way prepared. But instead of screaming my head off I literally tapped him on his shoulder like he was blocking the restroom- ahem...could you move please? Before he stopped, he told me he loved me & called me his wife's name. Somehow with my skirt around my waist & the seat belt bruising my ass, I pitied him.
The next day, my lungs shut down & I went to the hospital for a couple of days. I remember it was finals week at my junior college & I missed taking my exams, + a week of work. When I got back to the job, he looked stressed because I'd been gone so long (maybe he thought I'd quit??) - idk- & I felt so bad that I'd worried him that I stopped being mad about what happened. He started inviting me to just drink tequila & fuck in his car after work & I accepted because I knew if I didn't, somebody would. I wanted to feel special or... something. (Not trash...? Not thrown away...?) I really started to hate that nigga though, because he was just a terrible person & I couldn't articulate why I kept spending time with him. Just before all this started, I'd begun the application process to transfer to a Liberal Arts college in New Mexico. I didn't recognize myself at all when I was dealing with him (yes there's more, no I'm not finna tell it), but receiving the acceptance letter to go to my little art school in the desert saved my life because it helped me see... ME again. I'd finally (finally!) accomplished something worthy of my own respect, that reminded me of the person I knew I was but had forgotten I could be. (Go, win!) That, plus knowing I was about to move cities to pursue my goals & hone my talents helped me start saying no to him. As a complete sentence too, with no explanation. Just nope. Hell no.
I don't know about y'all but this one was heavy af for me.
What are your Five-of-Pentacles?
P.S. I read EVERY COMMENT. I may not be able to respond yet but I read every single one. THANK YOU ALL.
all of us.