day 38: five of pentacles (please)

11/24/2020

I once asked the ancestors in my maternal line (through a tarot reading), "What is the energy y'all been dealing with forever that you want me to break?" & THIS card popped out. Ugh there's so much I want to say about this damn card I am overwhelmed. Let me begin at the beginning, drive slow.

First, the family. The Five of Pentacles (Mercury in Taurus) is the Minor Arcana portrait of its Major Arcana Parents, Mercury (the Magician/ left) & Taurus (The Hierophant / right).

Any card that has Magician energy means shit is finna get tricky. The Magician can either mean manifestation or manipulation, depending on the day. Imo, in this card, the Magician means manipulation. I mean, let's look at the Magician- dude is able bodied & confident af, all powerful, with the four tools of creation (spirit, emotion, thought, resources) at his fingertips, so why is he appearing in the Five of Pentacles as a wounded 'lil troll? Why is he using his tools like crutches instead of being a craftsman? Because manipulation, that's why. He's following up behind the Hierophant, & something ain't right about that either. First of all, why is the Hierophant, the keeper of order, structure & faith, dictator of ritual (rich, you all) outside the church, barefoot in the cold? What in the hell is going on here??

Let's look at the card literally. There is a broken man (or appears broken anyway), following behind a woman. From his demeanor, we can assume he's losing her (a loser). If he says anything, it's likely a plea, or please. Or perhaps he's uncertain about how / when he'll get out of the cold, so he asks her over & over, "Go in? Go in?" (Going, Going) He's drawn to the church peephole, which looks so warm & pleasing. (People pleasing) She presses forward, despite her cold feet. She has no shoes (choose / choice). She is so tired. It's snowing (it's no win / it's no end).

Let's discuss the Hierophant a little further. The Hierophant represents the individual law & order within each person. We all have our own personal laws & code of ethics that we adhere to, whether we discuss it or not. Each person has their list of things they will do & the things they won't do. It's called integrity, & is the foundation of self-respect, or the ability to consider one's own wants & needs because they are consistent, ordered, law. Self-respect is the by-product of an interior landscape that does not change, that does not flux, regardless of circumstance or influence. It is the result of becoming a law unto oneself, where one's principles can safely abide.

Trigger Alert: But like panties pushed aside even though you said no a thousand times, the Hierophant can be lured from her sacred inner riches into a life of moral bankruptcy with a single fucking word: PLEASE. & Lord knows these Magicians love to say please. Please baby can I borrow your car, please can I take the condom off, please let me hold $20, please let me fuck one more time, please suck it, please suck it, please do this for me (its the last time, I promise) please understand, please take me back, please don't be mad, please don't tell, please don't yell, please don't cry, please don't go, please have my baby, please have an abortion, please hang up the phone, please pick up the phone, please come back, please trust me, please forgive me, gimme one more chance, please, please, pleas, pleas, pleas.

It's literally exhausting, you know? It wears a bitch down. But what are you gonna do? We sympathize, empathize, rationalize. We're GOOD PEOPLE. We don't leave folks (especially broken, needy folks) behind. It ain't right! We weren't raised to say no! We were taught to say yes, to be agreeable, pleasing. (Peep-hole / people pleasing.) We were taught that should someone pay attention to us, even if just for a moment (a peep!), they better see someone warm & inviting. Though we hesitate (cold feet), we have no shoes (choose). Please. You have to. It's the magic word (Magician's word).

Yes, please is the shadow energy of this card, but the light is right there on the flip side. The midget Magician motherfucker has successfully switched our reality by turning our kindness against ourselves, & all we gotta do is switch it back. Look at the church behind the Hierophant; this is the Hierophant's home, yes? This is the place where her principles can safely abide, the kingdom of heaven within her? So all she has to do is go in. Not keep going, going with the bullshit but stop, say NO, & go abide within her original morals & decisions, effectively leaving him out. Simple. Dwelling inside your self-respect is heaven & living outside your integrity is hell. Do you want to be in hell? HELL NO. And the fun thing about saying hell no is you can always say it no matter how many times you've already said yes. You might feel guilty but that's manipulation, don't forget. Everybody is able bodied & equipped with their own ability to manifest & do for self, ESPECIALLY a freaking Magician. No one is a loser here. Everybody can go in (Go, Win!).

Here's my five of pentacles story: (Disclaimer: This story is uncomfortable for me & I use the n**** word a lot. I am sorry to whoever that offends)

When I was like 20, I worked for a telemarketing company up north (Chicago). One of the supervisors was 36, kind of cute, & hella flirty with everybody except me. I felt left out, so I started going out of my way to be noticed by him, even though I wasn't that attracted to him. But the fact that he didn't automatically like me & try to fuck me, bothered me because he tried to fuck everybody else. If you grew up in Chicago (or anywhere for that matter) you know that by a certain age, you measure your self-esteem against a nigga's thirst. (If he ain't trying to holla, I must not be cute...) About a week into us flirting, he told me he was married, so I backed way the hell off. I was so young that it hadn't really dawned on me yet that niggas really be out here cheating on their wives, because I'd only had boyfriends my age. I thought somehow my morals would make him feel convicted, & he'd stop flirting so hard - not just with me, but with everybody. But it didn't work that way- he kept flirting with all the other girls but stopped flirting with me & lowkey called me a prude/unrealistic. I felt left out, so I started flirting with him again. Now I'm still thinking shit is innocent or whatever, because I was young. I did not recognize that I was playing with fire. The job would have these payday parties at a local lounge with food & hella Tequila, & one day he asked me if I was gonna go to the party (please?). I felt included & I liked that feeling, so I said yeah. Then he asked me to wear a skirt to the party (please?) & I said yes to that too. I had taken the bus there, but I needed a ride home (please?). About an hour before the party ended, dude offered & I was grateful.

Trigger Alert:

We had been in his car a few blocks when he started touching on my thigh. I wasn't ready for all of that (although I did wear the skirt like he asked) but I didn't know how to say stop, no, so he kept doing it. His hand went higher & higher & when I didn't stop him, next thing I knew he had pulled the car over & was on top of me. Like, in seconds. & I kept asking myself if I'd agreed to this but I knew I hadn't because I was on the last day of my period & I was still wearing a tampon, so I was in no way prepared. But instead of screaming my head off I literally tapped him on his shoulder like he was blocking the restroom- ahem...could you move please? Before he stopped, he told me he loved me & called me his wife's name. Somehow with my skirt around my waist & the seat belt bruising my ass, I pitied him.

The next day, my lungs shut down & I went to the hospital for a couple of days. I remember it was finals week at my junior college & I missed taking my exams, + a week of work. When I got back to the job, he looked stressed because I'd been gone so long (maybe he thought I'd quit??) - idk- & I felt so bad that I'd worried him that I stopped being mad about what happened. He started inviting me to just drink tequila & fuck in his car after work & I accepted because I knew if I didn't, somebody would. I wanted to feel special or... something. (Not trash...? Not thrown away...?) I really started to hate that nigga though, because he was just a terrible person & I couldn't articulate why I kept spending time with him. Just before all this started, I'd begun the application process to transfer to a Liberal Arts college in New Mexico. I didn't recognize myself at all when I was dealing with him (yes there's more, no I'm not finna tell it), but receiving the acceptance letter to go to my little art school in the desert saved my life because it helped me see... ME again. I'd finally (finally!) accomplished something worthy of my own respect, that reminded me of the person I knew I was but had forgotten I could be. (Go, win!) That, plus knowing I was about to move cities to pursue my goals & hone my talents helped me start saying no to him. As a complete sentence too, with no explanation. Just nope. Hell no.

I don't know about y'all but this one was heavy af for me.

What are your Five-of-Pentacles?

P.S. I read EVERY COMMENT. I may not be able to respond yet but I read every single one. THANK YOU ALL.

22 Comments

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all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

Cheryl

11/24/2020 10:55:51 am

I was always the girl with “the pretty face” and “too bad you are so fat” followed quickly behind. This results in a TON of confusion about sex and relationships as I grew up in a society where a woman’s worth was defined not by her smarts but ultimately her ability to make a family. And while I might have wanted a dependable relationship I did not want a family. So what kind of fat freak was I? Particularly when many friends opted for kids/single parenthood because they had switch I never had -- to be a mom. And I watched all the men marry other people, while they still wanted to “be my friend & colleague.” Read: pick my brain to advance their careers. Slowly but surely, I let them all fall away as I trudged on through my 30’s. I found myself in CA for the first time working the special kind of dreadful nonprofit job that masquerades as the dream and turns out to be a bust as I turned 40 and within months suffered two major deaths of a beloved family member and a friend. For the first time I heard a voice inside that said “I want to live.” I returned home to the East Coast by that summer and when my next birthday came I acted on that voice once and for all. The 3rd time was the charm and I quick smoking. Goodbye pack a day habit. It goes without saying a lot has happened since then, but it continued to be a learning and rising journey. It has been 14 years+ since I had a cigarette, 10+ years of being vegan and 70+ lbs released. I continue to work on using the power of “No” – in my personal and professional life as my goals have grown and changed. Saying “No” to noise in all its forms (including human) gives me the space to say “Yes” to grace & joy. So I sing back-up to you: No is a complete sentence. It sounds even better in your ‘50’s (smile).

Ericka

11/24/2020 11:28:48 am

The 5 of pentacles, or instances where I went against my better judgement.

I’m a single woman at this point in time and during the journey of finally sitting with myself instead of jumping into a relationship just for the sake of not being lonely, I’m able to notice when I’m falling into my shadow side of that insecure girl. The one that looked for love from men, to feel some type of connection, or desire from the opposite sex. I would have meaningless sex because I just wanted to feel something, but still just ended up feeling just as numb during the process, and now used. The men that I was attracting always seem to come already attached to someone else already, or because I didn’t know my worth or how to articulate what I stood for, they didn’t know what to do with me. How could they, I didn’t know what I wanted either. I had the men I would have sex with that I knew had a woman but we both were unhappy so why not try to find some pleasure together? Only for them to go back to there home they shared with their person after it’s over and I would still be alone. I would tell myself I didn’t want them anyway. I knew what I was doing, and I’m the one winning, at least I’m not sleeping next to someone that’s cheating on me anymore. I’ve had sex with men out of spite because I thought it would make me feel better after finding out my man was showing interest to another woman. Even had sex for money, which can feel empowering at first when you feel like you are calling the shots and being compensated for your time, but after a while you begin to see how much of your energy you are still giving away. It wasn’t until I met this last guy that I learned how important it was for me to say NO! I was falling right back into my old cycles, and wanting to keep the peace and be understanding but at the expense of my own value and integrity. This guy would keep on coming around, trying to find a way to keep me in the toxic loop he was weaving with me and woman he married over me so that he could have his cake and eat it too. It took for me to move away and tell him directly that I didn’t want anything deeper with him for me to finally see what I kept trying to be understanding about all that time. That as long as I kept leaving things open ended with him, like oh we can be friends or I get why you are the way you are and I see the potential in you, I’m here if you need me ect, was all keeping that door open for him to try different ways to manipulate. I had to realize that I had to set the standard for my life, and knowing when someone or thing is taking more than they are bringing.

11/24/2020 01:46:49 pm

"Living outside your integrity is hell."

This is a reoccurring lesson (test) for me. Not honoring myself, I won't (go in) win, it will never be right. Going along with what a lover wants and pushing down my needs and desires, has not had a successful outcome. An outcome where I feel supported and my needs are consistently met.

I had an ex partner that would consistently ask me to rub their feet. Initially I thought, aaww this is a way that we both wind down at night and connect, have deeper conversations, build intimacy. When I was able to accept that this was a dynamic within our abuse cycle, I started to go within more. This individual did not do anything consistently for me, and definitely didn't put any effort towards non sexual acts to build intimacy. I looked at the situation for what it was...girl, you don't even give yourself foot rubs/massages on a consistent basis, so why would they do it? The mind/body/spirit disconnect is so loud from this card. The things that we find ourselves doing when we are not living inside our integrity...but also the journey back to our integrity (mind/body/soul connection), I think that's what life is.

Kelsey

11/24/2020 06:39:35 pm

This card for me has power dynamics in relationships written all over it. I can feel it in your story and the shares of others, and I can remember the struggle I had with my first love like 15 years ago. Love and lust has a way of making us compromise ourselves in ways that seem obviously bankrupt (to an outsider), yet we can’t help ourselves. Wanting to be loved, wanting to be lusted after, and the things we will do to have that. In my relationship with my first love, I know that I bent over backwards to seem smart, funny, sexy, etc, etc, etc, in all of the ways that I knew he would like. MANY TIMES. It became an obsession for me. So much so, that looking back on it, I don’t know how much of that was really me, or just a manifestation of what I thought he wanted me to be. The major conflict in our relationship was that he didn’t believe in monogamy (a totally valid perspective, in my opinion), but I was at a point in my journey where all I wanted was to experience a dive deep into partnership with one person and one person only. Not marriage, because I was so young, but fully committed nonetheless. I wanted to find my person, and I was so sure that he was it. Only, I wasn’t his person. BUT, I was one of them. I was “of his tribe” and he loved me. Yes, his words. So, rather than addressing that major flaw in our relationship, I tried to mold myself to his needs. Why? Because I would have done anything for his love… anything for… his crumbs.

There was even a major break in our relationship when I wised up for 6 months or so and realized that I was addicted to him, and I quit him cold turkey. We didn’t have this term back then, but I essentially ghosted him. He tried to call me, email me, text me, and I just ignored him. Then, one day when I was feeling clear and sober (without having contact with him for so long), he got me back with a long and heartfelt email explaining his belief in non-monogamy, but also professing his love for me as he’d never before. It was way more than crumbs by that point, and I was hooked again. I felt his vulnerability in it. His willingness to finally let me see him as weak (and let me have the power, or at least a sense of it). I couldn’t help myself, and our affair kicked off again, as hot as ever (as much as it could given that we were always long-distance). The relationship soon completed in a way that didn’t bring me real resolution at the time (he died in a tragic car accident), but I have been working through resolving it for myself during this year. Writing about this now, I feel compassion for both him, and especially myself, and our common humanity that motivates us to beg and plea for love in our own ways, and also compromise ourselves in the process.

11/24/2020 06:50:51 pm

I struggled with this set of cards. But I focused on the initial question that was asked of the ancestors, “What is the “forever” energy you want me to break?

I went all the way back to 3rd grade. I can remember this as if it happened yesterday because I often think back about this incident. I have never told anyone this, so please (pleas) bare with me. I was in class and a boy that I thought was cute pulled me over to him. He asked me to sit in his lap and I did. When I stood up, he started rubbing my behind. I liked it at first, but then my mind caught up to what was happening and I pulled away from him. I returned to my desk and I can remember being so angry. I was angry for the remainder of the day. I don’t remember ever not being angry with him and I never talked to him again. I felt like he took advantage of my naivety. Even thinking about it now, I feel the anger rising up.

I felt ashamed that I initially liked what he was doing. I think I liked the attention. But I can’t honestly say because I was so young at the time. I don’t think the people pleasing stopped there though. Especially when it came to attention received from males. Whenever I dated someone new, I felt as if I instantly tried to morph into what I thought they wanted me to be. In turn, I was dysfunctional in relationships. I ran at the first “red flag”, but I feel like I never truly got to know myself or what I really expected when in a relationship.

Present day, I acknowledge that I sometimes care too much about what others think of me. I often put others' needs before my own. I’m still learning that other people’s happiness is not my responsibility. I am a work in progress.

Recently Painfully Aware I've been whole this whole time Natrue

11/24/2020 06:51:40 pm

So very many violations.

"We all have our own personal laws & code of ethics that we adhere to, whether we discuss it or not. Each person has their list of things they will do & the things they won't do. It's called integrity, & is the foundation of self-respect, or the ability to consider one's own wants & needs because they are consistent, ordered, law. Self-respect is the by-product of an interior landscape that does not change, that does not flux, regardless of circumstance or influence. It is the result of becoming a law unto oneself, where one's principles can safely abide."

But it is in the violating that I now see I was truly already whole. It reaffirmed a truth because "it" took from what was clearly unspoken wholeness...There's a quote "what if what you called your mistakes was merely evidence of your continued innocence.

Naturallysane

11/24/2020 07:20:26 pm

Growing up my worth was based on how men and friends viewed me. Being alone wasn’t an option, I would jump out of one relationship and into another. I was dating this guy who was well known, charming and liked in the area. He had the gift of gab and that’s all it took for him to sweep me off my feet. Never had the type of parents who said I love you, good job or anything positive so he filled the emptiness. The words “your beautiful” just hit different and that’s all it took.

Slowly things started to change in the relationship, he started cheating on me, pleaded for me to forgive him and I accepted his apology because for some reason I felt obligated too. He gave me life through his words even though I knew he was a fucked up person, a cheater and a liar. What finally drew the line for me is when the girl he was cheating on me with tried to attack me! Chileee It took an attack to push my ass out of this mans life unfortunately.

Robby

11/24/2020 07:38:32 pm

I don't even know where to begin. I don't feel good about this at all, but this is the way.

-Trigger warning-

I was 10 when my cousin tried to touch me in front of his friends and I told him to stop. I don't know why it began or how long but he couldn't have been the first since I already knew the rules, stay quiet and don't say anything to anyone. I was in college, 19 when I got out of the shower and a friend was in my room. I told him no and he took a few strokes anyway. He was small, noodley and it took few strokes for him to be done. I was still standing, told him to leave, told no one else anything. He called to see if I was okay, I told him I'm not him not to check on me. I had a boyfriend, he went away for his army reserve weeks per year. When he came back someone was emailing how she missed being next to him. I emailed her and didn't really deal with him. I was early thirties, he was separated, or maybe that was a lie. I was mid thirties and a friend said you need to know what you want, stop worrying about what men want. I was 39, we were in a relationship, I said not without a condom, he entered me anyway. I tried to make him feel better about not listening to me. I was 39 the chiropractor touched my breast, my nipple. It was the last session, I said nothing. I was 39 the boyfriend said something about grey areas, and I reminded him of how I said no and he did it anyway, he accused me of calling him a rapist. I said no, but you did violate.

There's more I'm sure, but this comes up now. I haven't always stood up for myself, stood my ground, but I have grown tired, I have eliminated them from my life, I have grown numb in many ways, I have disappointed myself for not saying more, louder. I wasn't raised to be loud, I wasn't raised to be aggressive, I wasn't raised to be confident. I work on it, against how I was raised. This is "No November" for me, a time where I practice saying no more often, so I can say yes to myself.

Tee

11/24/2020 07:42:36 pm

Every time I do a reading about my spiritual growth, this card shows up. I will admit that I didn't fully understand the card until today. I'm learning tarot while healing! Thank you everyone!

The energy I've been dealing with forever that I need to break is trying to please everyone so they'll like me. I talked about it on the first day. I'm always the one to help everyone else but that energy isn't always returned.

It took me a long time to learn to say no to men. I felt it was easier to let them have sex with me instead of saying no. That was until I found myself date raped by a coworker I had a crush on. Even then, It took me years to admit that's what happened. I never wanted to call it rape because I fully intended to sleep with him. I just wasn't prepared to do it the day it happened. I tucked that trauma away for years while I continued to say yes to situations I really wanted to say no to. I believed if I said yes, then it wasn't rape. I totally ignored the fact that I often said yes out of fear of what would happen. Some of those men were not upstanding citizens.

I think it all started when I was maybe 5 or 6. My great grandmother said something to me about I wouldn't keep a man. She was joking but to a 5 or 6 year old, I was hurt. I started crying and she said she was joking. I don't even think I knew what keeping a man meant because I was so young. However, those words stuck with me. Shortly after, the sexual abuse started and my need to please.

Whenever a guy was even remotely interested, I went along with it to prove I could keep a man. When I didn't keep him, I found another one and said it was my decision they were gone. If I left first, he didn't leave me right? If he was married, it wasn't my fault. If he just wanted sex, I was fine with that because he could've asked any woman but he came to me instead. I convinced myself I was needed and not just wanted.

That same energy played out in family, friendships and in a professional setting. I would leave as soon as I realized I couldn't please someone anymore. I'm now trying to learn how to balance helping people out and not giving more of myself than required.

Tanasia

11/24/2020 09:43:11 pm

Please baby baby please! I can say that I just let go of my Five of Pentacles situation. A soft spoken Taurus with a big dick and an even bigger drinking problem. Like...who takes shots at 8am? Anyway, I met Taurus through a mutual friend. He was tall, mysterious, and smitten. Our sex was frequent, hot and heavy. He was "separated" from his wife...or so he lied, and he had one foot on the way to divorce court. We dated for a while, but the red flags kept coming and I couldn't get over the fact that he was broke, depressive, and always drinking or drunk. It was all he thought about. Anyway, although I've met a man who I want to spend the rest of my days with...I still couldn't let him go. Maybe it was all the "baby baby please don't go" or the "I deserve you in my life" words that kept me allowing him back in...or maybe it was the dick. This time I've had enough. Like, why am I continuing to deal with someone who benefits me in now way besides a nut? I'm worth so much more than that. I deserve so much more than that. And why risk the love that I have for a big dick and some kind words. What kind of stupid ass dummy of a woman am I? It's over. Blocked. Ain't no coming back and I'm moving in three weeks, so that last time as really THEE LAST TIME.

11/24/2020 10:13:30 pm

I am a people pleaser. I let myself be so open to people that I don't leave any space for myself. When the wrong people start to see that you are desperate for love and affection they will literally take and take until you are like the figures in this card stranded. I found myself like this many times. For me it mostly was my family that had me like this. I loved when they came back and asked me for my help though. It made me feel special, important, and capable...if that makes sense. If I needed them they were never there like I was for them. I told my therapist about how my family and ex husband left me stranded on many occasions and she told me then I didn't value myself. That shit hit me like a ton of bricks. It was true and I had to face that. I have been saying no and putting myself first more and more since. Those people who are only there to take and take are no longer here as well. Some by choice and some by force. I have to admit I have been very messed up behind it at times but God always brings me back to my path and I am so grateful!

I have to say extremely healing reading everyone's posts. I thank all of you for your strength and willingness to share.

Mysti

11/24/2020 10:33:18 pm

My 5 of pentacles is my affair with a married man. He was the drummer I the group I sang backup in with my best friend. She was dating the lead singer/bass guitarist and I wanted to be a couple too! He had a Svengali effect on me...he wasn’t even my type! He was short,not very attractive and NOT well endowed, yet he had me wrapped around his little finger!
The lowest point came when I got caught hiding in his basement by his wife! It took me dating an NBA player to break his clutches! I had two abortions while “dating” him and found out later he had been cheating on me all along too!

LMP

11/24/2020 11:47:53 pm

I keep seeing the manipulative guy in the cast as 45, saying, the vote was rigged! Follow me! Pay attention! The woman walking away is all of us, saying, fuck off and shut the fuck up, I’m going back to the temple to renew.

45 reminds me of my deceased father, who was a bully with a cruel sense of humor. I would cut contact and my father would just get sicker and sicker (a lot of preventable diseases caused by lifestyle choices) and I would feel sorry for him and let him back in, where he would always be cruel again.

That temple though! That’s my practice and my self care. My tarot path. My meditation. Gardening. Exercise. Emotionally healthy people. Writing. Work. Parenting. And the door is heavy and soundproof, and the lock is good.

11/24/2020 11:55:55 pm

My co-workers and I have great working and personal relationships. We check on each other throughout the workday and most times on off days. Almost 3 months ago, on my sister’s birthday, my mom almost died. There were two co-corkers who really supported me during this time. They had both lost their mothers less than a year ago. One supporter was a male co-worker. To briefly describe him, he exudes confidence but is far from arrogant, yet he’s a bit mannish when he’s in his comfort zone. He got married this year and before he jumped the broom, the team threw him a Groom Shower complete with food, drinks and gifts. A few weeks after he got married he asked me if he could be on my team. I assumed his question was work related and didn’t answer him because we work in two entirely different departments. He usually called me at work to check on my mental/emotional state for the day, so I didn’t think anything of it when he started calling/texting in the evening. Over the course of a few weeks, I began to expect his calls and texts. My mom is still in the process of healing and I REALLY needed the support. One day, he outright asked, “if we take it there, can you keep it a secret?” I was at a loss for words because he JUST got married. I didn’t know how to respond so I told him we would talk later. That opened the flood gates for him to see how far he could go. When he communicated, he always checked to see how my mom and I were doing before explicitly saying what he wanted to do to/with me. He would either begin or end a question with “please” (that damn ‘p’ word). I had never entertained the thought of interfering in a marriage, yet I never told him no. Last week I had a very bad day. People were pissing me off at work, meetings were being added to my calendar at the last minute, I was getting requests for miscellaneous things via phone and email, and my mom was having a not-so-great day. Like clockwork, Mr. Co-worker called to check on me. I guess he could hear how disturbed I was because he came to my office. Without even thinking about it, we ended up having sex. At work. He’s freaking MARRIED! He’s still as attentive and supportive as he’s always been, and his requests haven’t stopped. I’m still trying to process what happened, which is hard to do because I’ve been emotionally numb since my mom got sick. Needless to say, this situation has not been resolved and I still haven’t told him no.

11/25/2020 12:21:00 am

This card is really triggering for me and I cannot articulate well at this moment but I just wanted to drop in and tell you that I am so grateful for you!

B.M.

11/25/2020 02:16:01 am

First of all, I wanted to thank everyone one that shared. I was drawing a blank with this card and I almost did not respond. Then, after reading everything that was shared, I remembered three experiences that represent a Five-of-Pentacles moment for me. So, THANK YOU.

After learning the Hierophant card represent individual integrity and self-respect, I had to learn why it is taking me so long to develop my own individual integrity. I thought back to the second grade when I was in latch-key after school. I remember sitting in the middle of the room when a boy, who was sitting behind me, started putting his hand down my pants. I was mortified and embarrassed. But I didn’t stop him. A couple of kids sitting behind me saw and starting pointing at me and talking about me. I still did not stop him. I just sat there and took it.

Another five-of-pentacles moment came when I was still in the second grade. Since I was the shortest person in the class, I used to hold the drown when we returned to class on the second floor from the lunchroom and from going outside. That meant I always ended up being the last person to leave the staircase. One day three boys lingered on the first flight of stairs and kept on grabbing my feet and pulling me down the stairs. I said let go of me, I broke free and ran up the stairs. I finally made it to the second floor and before I could open the door to leave, they pulled me back and pushed me against the wall. Two boys held my arms against the wall while one boy stuck his hands in my underway to fondle me and stuck his hand down my shirt (by the way, where do seven year-old boys learn this stuff????). Finally, a teacher entered the stairwell and we all ran. I remember going to class and I raised my hand. I was going to tell on them. The teacher never called on me. I guess I took that as I was suppose to just deal with that by myself. I don’t know what incident happened first, but I think the latter did. I really don’t remember.

Another story that pops into my mind is when I was dating this guy from work. We were having sex and I remember him asking if he could take the condom off because he wanted to feel me because I was so wet. I said no. He took it off anyway and I didn’t notice at first because I was facing away from him while I was riding him. I remember how uncomfortable I was when I told him I didn’t like that he ignored my wishes and to never do it again. But he knew and I knew if he ever did something like that again, I would have done nothing about it.

As fo now, I have been alone for a LONG time. But I am not really lonely, I am just alone all the time. There are so many different ways to heal, but being an empath, I like being alone because when I feel something, I am absolute sure there are my feelings, my thoughts. It is only in my time of solitude did I really accept I had low self-esteem and very little respect for my self. My personal integrity was non existent because I needed to survive. My mother barely paid attention to me as it was. What would happen if I made her mad? I didn’t want to find out. To this day, my mother will always say I was her most obedient child. It was probably because I intuitively knew how everyone felt about me and if I sensed any displeasure, I would adjust so there was no friction. I was a master people-pleaser. I knew what people wanted before they knew what they wanted. What a great gift, but what a great curse for someone with low self esteem and no personal integrity.

Cad

11/25/2020 03:53:54 am

My five of Pentacles

In my past sexual relationships, I have gone against myself is so many ways. One of my lovers (who I dated for almost 10 years) wanted me barefoot & pregnant. I thought he was joking! He wasn’t. Instead of no having sex with him (because I didn’t to be pregnant), I went against myself & did it, The last 3 years of our relationship, I was pregnant twice. And had two abortions (by my own choice). He couldn’t beg his way me enough to keep the pregnancies. He couldn’t beg his way to marriage either.

Dela

11/25/2020 01:34:22 pm

It is so insane how this card has brought up so many memories that are ugly to look at. Every crazier to think that many people share similar experiences that this card has brought up.

-- trigger warning --

My experience dates back to when I was 4 or 5 years old. We lived in a house across the street from a church (which is crazy given 5 of pentacles) and in that house I experienced my first encounter of sexual misconduct.

I learned what it meant to comply with something you don't want to do. And as a result, lived out that same patterned (albeit not as extreme? as I had experienced it as a child.)

When I was about 4 or 5 my uncle called me into his room with his pants down n a hard on. I looked at him and said "again?" he replied with "come here." As I was performing the act, I stopped and said "I don't want to do this anymore" and he said "just keep sucking it." And that's all that I have on the memory.

As I grew up, I started becoming really boy crazy, and loving to touch and be held. I longed for someone to kiss me on the lips.

I noticed that this pattern of not being able to say no, or even if I said no, it wouldn't matter because I would be made to do it anyway, was very prominent. In high school when I lost my virginity, I didn't fully know how to say no, so I went with it. I only tried to speak out when I asked him to use a condom. One time I pulled the condom out of his wallet to signal that I wanted him to use it.... he was just like "what?"

Fast forward to post college, I said yes to a man that invited himself over. It was only supposed to be a kick it, but it started to turn into him coming onto me, and me not knowing how to say no. Plus, after he had gotten his way, I had to drive him back north about 45 minutes. Talk about not being able to get a grip on myself?

I look back on these things and it comes down to one thing for me, the inability to be firm in my saying NO, PERIOD. No is a full sentence. It need not be explain or rationalized. I said what I said, no.

Ruth

12/6/2020 04:01:13 am

HUG

You were NOT responsible for what happened to you as a little girl. That is child sexual abuse. Your uncle was a pedophile. The power dynamic meant that it wouldn't've mattered how much you said no, he still would have found a way to manipulate you.

And I bet you, you weren't the only one either. I learned over the summer that the person who sexually abused me and my sisters had also been sexually abusive to other people as well.

Anyway, please don't blame your little girl self for being raped. You didn't do anything wrong. You were a little girl, doing the best she could. HUG

Val

11/27/2020 06:35:04 pm

I was in college and trying to lay low (long story) but decided to attend a spur-of-the-moment party on my dorm floor. All of the residents on my floor cobbled together some food, a couple of turntables, some alcohol. I was never a drinker. Not really. My father's alcoholism and its disastrous aftermath was enough to keep me in check. But...this night--spontaneous party night with me (yes ME) on the turntables--things took a different turn. I learned that when you are the deejay (ha!)...when you play good music and keep the party going, folks wanna bring you alcohol. Lots of it! And, staying true to the character I was playing that night, I drank what I was brought. I heard the words "grain alcohol" and had no idea what it meant. I knew that the stuff I drank tasted like nothing I'd had before (and I did taste a little here and there, I just never got drunk) but it didn't keep me from taking a sip or two. Or five, or....

When the music finally stopped and the party ended and I somehow made it the few steps to my room, I found a familiar comfort in pulling my faded and torn nightgown over my head; and then I crashed, hard, into my bed. My head was spinning and I came close a couple of times to throwing up my alcohol-filled insides. I closed my eyes. I heard my own snoring.

Then I heard an insistent banging on my door. In-sis-tent. I heard my name being called urgently and a bit desperately. I thought maybe the dorm was on fire and I should get up. Still foggy I dragged myself up and opened the door. My best male friend, my concert-going buddy, my go-to-mcdonalds-at-godaful-times-of-the-night-just-because-buddy, fell through the door. "Girl, are you alright? They said they saw you stumble in here. They said you were drinking. You don't drink. I came to check on you. I got scared when you didn't answer your door." I laughed as I let him in, closing the door behind him. We sat on the foot of my bed. He talked about how worried he'd been about me. I slurred in return.

Then my buddy, my bestie, my brother from another mother, reached through a tear in my nightgown and grabbed my breast. He pushed me back on the bed and started to straddle me, all the while groping and grunting. I didn't know that one could sober up in a flash, but that's what happened to me. My blood ran cold and suddenly my foggy thoughts, my slurry speech, my unsteadiness were gone. I was alert, aware and PISSED. I pushed him away, kicked him in the nuts, and unleashed my tongue (my greatest weapon). I cussed him (I have an amazing vocabulary and if I say so myself, I am quite adept at putting together a string of words that has made grown men blush, much to the chagrin of many of my loved ones) and shamed him so badly he started to cry. He begged for my forgiveness (talk about the word please but from a somewhat different perspective) but it was way too late.

Now understand this. I could count on one finger the times I'd stood up for myself. I was the girl that let anything and everything slide if it meant no conflict, no fighting, no yelling, no hurt. But that night--that night--I felt the level of betrayal was intense. The personal insult was so great I couldn't have ever imagined it. I was a good girl. I carried myself with respect always. I was a poor girl from a small town who had no business in college but yet there I was, and I got there through hard work, grit and with the dignity my family always instilled in me front and center. No way was I going to sit by and let this shit happen to me. So I roared.

And as he left my room, I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed that I'd allowed myself to be in such a position. I felt ashamed of my body and how it, too, had betrayed me. I felt ashamed that I'd not had good judgment yet again. I knew as bad as that was it could have been so much worse.I know it has been worse for so many others. I was glad that he had the decency to feel shame. He wanted so badly to be my buddy again. We tried but it was never the same again. He said he did it because I looked vulnerable and he thought he could. Wow. He'll never know just how vulnerable I felt being attacked by a best friend.

That's my five of pentacles.I struggled with this card then recalled that story. And in case you want to know, I still cuss pretty good.

12/6/2020 03:54:07 am

Ah, yes, 5 of Pentacles. My scarcity thinking card.
But I liked the way you talked about it. It broadens my understanding of hte card in a way I didn't know I needed it. That moral code. The integrity.

That's something I sometimes struggle with. And right now, it's at a point hwere I'm having to stay in spiritual integrity in order to not go into scarcity thinking and freak out about all the things we have to pay for. All the different needs of my spouse, child, pets, my mom, his mom, the legal issue, so much stuff, and me fundamentally feeling like a bad person for wanting so much.

But I'm a Hierophant. It's my soul and personality card. I teach Tarot and Energy Healing. And I need to walk the walk, and everything I am experiencing right now is helping me walk my talk, something I already try to do, but now it's really pushing me even more.

12/26/2020 12:23:10 am

Ugh! My mind went blank after reading about the 5 of Pentacles. I think it is because my lack of personal integrity started at an early age and it is a very painful story for me (of course!) and I am still in the process of dealing with everything that comes with it.

So I walked away from this post for a week, came back to it and re-read it, and read the comments as well, and now I feel ready to share.

-------------------

“What is the “forever” energy you want me to break?

The forever energy I want to break is always feeling the need to give of myself (physical, emotional, spiritual) to those who have stolen my dignity or violated me in some way.

I realized I learned to do this at the age of 4 years old, and have carried the shame of this moment with me for the last 34 years. I kissed my uncle on the mouth while he was sleeping, and he woke up and pushed me off of him, telling me that I was not supposed to do 'that' to an uncle. I stood there, looking at him confused and embarrassed. My little self took his rejection as I was wrong not I did something wrong. So I continued to try to please my uncle by being a good girl. When he decided to move back to his home state, I was devastated. I don't think I consciously took his leaving as I being the cause, but I felt betrayed by the whole deal. I remember this is when relatives started calling him my "second father," because of how bonded I was to him.

Another moment was when I was in kindergarten, and a boy slapped me in the face. I remember holding my face, sobbing, and him saying, "You betta not tell the teacher or I will slap you again." I said nothing.

I remember a girl was told to spit in my face, and did it, and I sobbed and walked away. I didn't fight her. I didn't say no. I just felt butt-hurt and walked away.

This became the theme. Someone would violate me, and I would not say no. I would just remove myself from the situation. Remove myself to another place that felt safe. But it seems like no matter how far or wide I move, there are still people who hurt me, and there are still moments where I don't speak up.

I believe this is because I was sexually abused as a young child but have no vivid memories just the somatic recalling from my dreams, replaying me running away from my father, over and over for the last 12 years.

So when my high school boyfriend at the time, held me hostage in his garage because I told him I did not want to suck his dick. I tried everything in my power to leave but was not willing to physically fight my way out of the situation. After failed attempts at escaping, and being fearful of calling my father because I had already missed curfew, I whimpered in the corner of the bed, until I gave into his command.

To add insult to injury, I left after I was orally rape, and was unable to make it back across town because my bus had stopped running for the night. So I headed back to my rapist's place and was confronted by a drunk male driver who tried to kidnap me. I ran back to my boyfriend's house and knocked on the garage door but he did not respond, so I ended up sleeping underneath the stairs until my bus started running again. When I got home, I told my parents that I stayed at a friend's house.

It is so painful to tell this story because all I see is a young girl with really low self-esteem, and who keeps believing the lie that she needs someone else to protect her and love her instead of her doing it for herself.

When I was in my early twenties, I thought I was wiser because I finally left my parents house (and abusers) but I ended up dating cats who were excited by the chase of getting me to break away from my "no," by entertaining their "pleases."

There was this one guy, a co-worker, who when we finally hung out one night, he stole a kiss from me, and a pushed him away. He looked at me, and said, "I thought it was the perfect moment, with the moon glowing behind you." I was like "that didn't mean you had the right to kiss me." I walked back to the car, offended.

Then there was this cat named Miles who spent all of his time during our time together trying to convince me of why I should let him fuck me instead of be celibate like I was when we first got to together. It was my spiritual cleanse from sex after leaving an abusive relationship. It's almost like he got a kick out of saying 'please.' But I knew he would prove me right, and he did the night he asked one last time while we were out at the club. I felt disrespected and left the club that night with plans to never talk to him again. Years later, I ran into him on my way to catch the bus, and the first thing he said to me was, "You fuck anyone, yet?" I was like wow -- the audacity. Like that is all you see. The one that got away. The one that didn't let you hit. He then proceeded to call me a man-hating feminist. Which I took with pride while telling him he had it wrong. Feminist? Yes! Man-hating? No. He wasn't buying it.

Another memory I have

40 days
of shadow work