day 39: five of cups (wasted)

11/23/2020

I just want to preface this post by saying y'all are showing up & showing out for each other & I'm in deep appreciation of your vulnerability. I think I might ugly cry a few times before this work is done.

Once again I shuffled & I was surprised (but not really) that the Five of Cups came out. Just like the Nine of Swords, the Five of Cups carries Tower energy. Even though I've taught this card a bunch, I prayed for discernment before writing this post & I feel like I was today years old before I fully understood it. The Five of Cups is a Minor Arcana card & carries the energy of two Major Arcana cards: The Tower (Mars) & Death (Scorpio). If the Tower & Death are the parents, the Five of Cups is the child.

This energy is actually in my birth chart because my natal Mars is in Scorpio, so its a bit of a blindspot for me. I've always looked at it like the liquid spilled out in the first three cups wasn't even love, so there's no use being upset about it. in the tarot, love is represented by clear water, not whatever tf this red & green goo is. I figured the card was indicating that if you could muster the strength to turn away from your loss, you would see that there was another opportunity for love & happiness right behind you, as represented by the two upright cups. But today the Most High was like nawl boo that's backwards af.

These cards always reveal themselves literally tho, that's what trips me out. The truth is staring us right in the face. This dude is concentrating very deeply on a loss, right? And what's behind him? A GAIN. Behind him, is an opportunity to gain back two of the three cups he's lost. But what do the words A-GAIN also spell? AGAIN. Which is the card's way of telling us that whatever is in those two cups, this person has already experienced in the three cups. This person has already been disappointed & depressed by what was in those cups so why in the world would he turn around & do it again??? It appears as though this cycle is the only option, though, since the cups are at his front & his back. He appears stuck. Which is true, but the card is trying to hint that in order to become unstuck, this person would have to MOVE ON. There is no clear path around the pain. There's no way to avoid the loss. The only thing to do is to pick up his feet & get over it.

That resistance to getting over it, moving on, accepting the loss without searching for a way to risk it again, is the shadow energy of the Five of Cups. Much like the Nine of Swords, the light of this card is hidden in darkness, because the only way out is through. Therefore the shadow of the card is lurking in light, in the optimism that somehow the same drink that poisoned you, can heal you, or that the same feeling that broke you, can fix you.

Let's talk about why there's only two cups behind dude anyway, since it was three that he lost. To explain that, we have to talk about this card's parents. Remember, the Five of Cups is a combination of Mars & Scorpio energy. Once again, with Mars we have the Tower (on the right). With Scorpio, we have Death (on the left).

We already know the Tower is the finger of God tearing us apart in order get us together. Death is the energy of total transformation & renewal regardless of the upheaval caused by the change. If we put these two energies together, we can see the Five of Cups is God being intent on ruining anything that stands between us being born again. I don't necessarily mean in the Christian sense either, I just mean that people have a tendency to unconsciously perpetuate fucked up family patterns & cycles, even though they suck. When God is tired of that & ready to wash us off, freshen us up & do a new thing in our bloodline, we'll find every door to those specific ancestral behaviors either slammed shut or filled with misery. Sometimes the generational curse is supposed to stop with us, but we resist bcus we love cursing. Its hard af to quit cursing.

Ok, back to the three spilled cups. Certain cards in the tarot reveal their meaning with the help of other cards. In this case, the three spilled cups represent the one cup in the Ace of Cups (on the right) + the two cups in the Two of Cups (on the left).

The Ace of Cups is a giant cup of love from the hand of the Most High, for you to do with what you please. The Two of Cups shows a couple exchanging their cups with each other. Their cups represent the intention to love each other based on how they themselves have been loved. However if these people have not been loved properly, then the cups they give to each other is not love, but poison. This is why the finger of God (Tower) strikes in the Five of Cups & causes the true contents of the exchange to be exposed. Since pure water can't mix with dirty water without getting dirty, the Ace of Cups from the Most High has been tainted as well.

Now that's a hard pill to swallow though, because it means accepting 1) the love you've been giving wasn't love, 2) the love you've been receiving wasn't love, & 3) all that stuff that wasn't love poisoned the purity inside you (God's love). To cope with the loss, which feels like a death (because no one is who you thought they were, not even yourself) you turn around & say this time I'll do better, this time I'll be sweeter, this time... & you do it again.

Ok yeah, God is not the author of confusion, so the Most High doesn't put His cup in that mess again. Hence there only being two cups upon turning around, instead of three. I've learned from experience that when you remain in a relationship cycle where you're trying to give & receive love from a space the Most High refuses to replenish, you stay losing, diminished, dark, depressed, sad, stuck, lost, drunk in love (wasted).

I'll give you an example-

Technically this story starts with my mother, may she RIP. I'm finna tell her business which would have mortified her when she was alive, but now that she's passed on, she's always nudging me to share her mishaps if they can help somebody. DON"T JUDGE MY MAMA, THO.

The love of my mama's life was a married man. Somehow (Five of Cups) they never officially ended up together, but they remained tight af until the day she passed. Once we were both adults & could speak freely with each other, we had several conversations about the nature of their relationship. Mostly, she expressed regret that she'd never found someone who wasn't married to openly love & support her & give her the honor she deserved. When I asked her why she didn't (bcus my mama was fiiiine, ok?) she explained that in her head she wanted to, but her heart was just... stuck on dude. She couldn't properly be with him but she couldn't get over him either. She said she would try to be with other men & tell her Mr. Married to quit calling, but ultimately she'd always go back to him because, love. My daddy turned out to be one of the other men she briefly tried to be with. The crazy shit is, during the year she was pregnant with me, Mr. Married finally divorced his wife & was willing to help her raise me, but she turned him away trying to do the "right thing," by my daddy. When I was around one years old she tried to go back to Mr. Married because things with my daddy wasn't working, but when she called, Mr. Married was literally one day away from wedding to wife #2. He married someone else (had to do "right" by her, you know?), & him and my mama were just heartbroken as hell & pitiful af for the rest of her life.

Now for my part. When I was in high school, I dated this one dude, but over time I fell in love with another dude who was a mutual friend of ours. When I realized I had feelings for our friend, I didn't know what to do, & I did everything wrong. I cheated on my bf with his friend, then broke up with my bf. But my bf felt so bad about the breakup that I got back together with him, kept cheating with his friend, got caught & ruined my reputation & lost a lot of friends & respect (esp. self-respect). The relationship with me & the dude I fell in love with did not work out no matter how hard we tried, & we desired each other madly so we tried up until two years ago, all throughout our other relationships, including my marriage & his engagement. We called it being friends or whatever the hell but truly, it was an emotional affair (& at the very end, a physical affair too) that lasted for 22 damn years, & every time it ended, it ended in a huge tower moment that came out of nowhere because God ain't finna bless no mess, PERIODT.

Now for his part. The dude I fell in love with & tried to be with for 22 years (who I think is my twin flame tbh if you believe in that sort of thing) has a bit of family history that plays into this as well. His father was married for a long time & had five living daughters but no living sons (two died in infancy). Towards the end of his marriage, he met my dude's mom, who was mad younger than him. He had an affair with her, & wound up divorcing his wife & leaving his daughters. Not long after, my friend's mom got pregnant with my friend (his father's first living son), & the rest is history. They are still married to this day, even though their marriage still carries a great deal of energetic resentment & anger from my friend's father's first family. The irony is not lost on me that I have five children & I was super pressed to leave my husband to be with my friend, meaning I was "loving him" by emulating his father & trying to turn him into his mother. Eventually I had to accept that I was appearing toxic af in his life story. I thought it was "romantic" to choose him at all costs, but realistically, what do I look like ruining his friendships, relationships & my marriage in the name of "soulmates..?" & What does he look like breaking up his engagement & my family in the name of "destiny?" No. Just... no.

Also, what are the odds that I was born to my father instead of my mother's long time love? What are the odds that my friend was born to his mother instead of his father's first wife? Clearly God was ready to do something new with both our generational lines (born again), & the Most High was not willing that we should eff up a brand new beginning by repeating those same toxic patterns with each other.

Thank you for reading all of that if you did, even though it was super messy. That also is the lesson of the Five of Cups- its MESSY. We can't clean that up, no matter how hard we try. We can't put lipstick on a pig. We can't go back in time & fix it. We can't repeat the same mistakes, only better this time, I promise. That's crazy.

All we can do is ask the Most High to help us move forward into our a new story, where His grace is the focal point & not this bullshit. We look at this card & we see something "wasted," & yet the Most High is saying Baby, waste it. Its basura. Come get something better.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

What's y'all Five of Cups?

24 Comments

Author

all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

Yulinda

11/23/2020 07:02:19 am

I'm reading these glimpses of our experiences and I am asking myself, Yulinda, what's your story? And I am drawing a lot of blanks.
There is much of my life I don't remember, and maybe thats why I'm here, not to work on my shadows but my corpses, the parts of my life so hidden and buried that I have forgotten they ever existed.
Maybe I'm afraid of the stench from them being long buried and dead, or worse, that there is no stench at all, leaving no mark or effect on life because they never really mattered, like how I never really mattered, or at least that's what I thought...

Until very recently I did not understand that my lack of ability to really imagine my own success, to manifest my wants is because I didn't think any of it mattered, my sole point of existing was to make space for everyone else, at tkeast that was the program that has run my life since I was 6 years old.

I remember, hazily, one night or early morning, my mom coming to my room as I laid in my bed and saying to me she had something to tell me. She told me that my brother (on my dads side and my favorite of all his 5 kids from his first marriage) Patrick had died (complications of sickle cell) and just as I began to emote my mom said No. No I could not cry because I had to be strong for my father...

As I look at these cups spilled I imagine love tainted by resentment, self sabotage, and lack of self worth, with a dash of rage for flavor. I turned around and offered these cups to everyone in my life, kids, men, clients, friends, myself. Some had more poison than others, their own special signature cocktail of subjugation, self hate, self sacrifice, bitterness, and hope...

I drank of these cups deeply myself. Not understanding why I was so angry. Not understanding why I could go the distance for everyone else (until I couldn't) but could barely run a lap for myself. My goals? My dreams? My feelings?? Pssstttt! Didn't fucking apparently.

But God! I have lost my taste for the bitter dregs of misplaced loyalty wrapped in fear and confusion. Like cheap wine, ion like it no moe, my palette has upleveled and I only drink the good shit now!

I did tap into some momma issues though that I didn't know I had, and I am thankful! I can bleed out the posion that still taints some of my cups from time to time (like when you try a new bottle of wine thinking cause it's expensive its gonna be good and its a bottle of bitter bullshit, it takes you by surprise)!

Fuck all these cups in this card! Kick all them bitches over! If I must walk through the mess to get to the other side and toss my shoes after wading through the shit, so be it! Mama needs some new shoes anyway...

Cheryl link

11/23/2020 11:10:06 am

I sat this one for a long time and applaud your ability Oubria to be transparent in service to the cards and to us. My own family history is fraught with death and drama. Two very young parents who did not stay together, culminating in my father’s death by suicide the day before my 3rd birthday. So, I have been carrying the weight of “fierce independence/must take care of myself/can’t depend on anybody, particularly not a man/I will be OK alone” for a loooong time. And then came 2020. The death of an ex from suicide. 2020 brought another opportunity for forgiveness, for my father, for my-ex, for myself.

JaiEl

11/23/2020 12:03:14 pm

I never knew why I could identify so strongly with the song “Mr. Cellophane” from Chicago when I heard it until I started doing my Shadow work. My childhood home was strong with the “be seen and not heard.” I was an only child until 13. No same age cousins on my moms side, my dads side was vilified, so no strong connections with those 4 same age cousins. My classmates were scattered over the city so no community connection there and the only parent approved friend on my block was prom and proper, and later another driven and self-centered, not so much my cup of tea. My only real “friends“ were book characters, but even then, we could not talk about me, only them. So I grew up as a people pleaser, because that’s all I knew how to do to be accepted. My friends were controlling, my lovers users, I’m an asset to my parents and sibling. Those three cups have been poison to my spirit. But I don’t know who I am outside of that. What is in those 2 cups? I’m trying to find out.

I married a user with all the red flags Oubria identified yesterday. The experience was revelatory only because I birthed strong pioneering Aires energy and later healing Virgo energy activating my awakening. But I only know what I know, right? Here I stand concentrated in my loss of personality and unsure of what to do because I lack (the ability?, the will?) to connect. Social Media helped but you never can tell about the validity of connection there. I thought I might explore my hobbies to make connections, then COVID derailed those plans. So I thought I might try dating apps. I don’t know why this is such a difficult thing for me, but one thing I’m sure of is that it will improve when my self-love improves. But again, who is self? What do I love if I don’t know who I am? Maybe she’s in one of those upright cups and a spirit to connect with is in the other.

11/23/2020 12:35:53 pm

My Five of Cups is thinking I could have my cake and eat it too. And I feel I’ve spent most of this year mourning the fact that I can’t. The spilled cups represent the past behavior I thought was right. I have been dealing with this for five years and it all came to a head in January. I just couldn’t take the deception anymore. Sneaking to talk to them, see them, text them, and call them. The never-ending convincing myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. But in my mind, I knew it wasn’t right. In my heart, I felt it was wrong.

My Five of Cups is also the emotional turmoil I experienced and am still experiencing due to breaking away from that situation. I don't feel I have gained my husband's full trust back as of yet. But I feel we are in a better place than we were before. I am working on making better decisions and keeping firm boundaries in regards to the "other". I am also working on accepting the decision I made. To be honest, some days are easier than others. Like Oubria said, what do I look like breaking up two happy homes in the name of "soulmates"?

Lastly, I feel those three spilled cups represent how I have given up on some of my dreams. I have always wanted to work for myself. But lately, this dream feels out of reach. I battle daily with the prospect of working 40 plus hours a week for the rest of my life. Physically and mentally, I know this is impossible for me. But I feel stuck. I feel like I'm staring down at the dreams I have given up, wishing things could be different. The two cups that remain represent hope for me. Hope that I will one day gain the strength to pursue my dreams again.

I can't keep repeating the same mistakes. I can't change what's already been done. I have to keep moving forward. I have to believe there is better on the other side. God's plans are to prosper me, not to harm me. God has plans to give me hope and a future. I believe that.

11/23/2020 01:20:03 pm

I had to think about this for awhile. I was wondering if it had to do with my ex husband but I have dealt with that and I am not sad about it any longer. I had to dig deep for this one. I think that my 5 of cups has to do with addiction. My mother was an alcoholic and addicted meth. Her addictions eventually took her life because she had lupus and her body couldn't take the abuse she was causing it. My oldest sister was also addicted meth and had an unhealthy relationship with marijuana. She was able to get clean and become a drug rehab counselor. My father ontop of all of his issues is an alcoholic as well. I am very sad and hurt over my family.

Even though my father and sister are still here they are toxic to my growth. The two cups I have to walk away from is addiction. Food is my biggest issue. I recently went vegan for the 4th time, and I think this time will stick cause I am in a space where I am able to truly focus on my spiritual growth. As a child I was left alone a lot. I wasn't allowed to do much but cook and clean for my father, and when it came to my mother she would never want to bother herself with me when I was around so food was my comfort. I turn to it when I am happy, sad, angry whatever. Also my parents had unhealthy ways of eating.

I also have been wanting to walk away from drinking and smoking marijuana because I have found that it doesn't serve my spiritual path any longer. I have been using both along with food to deal with the depression I have from childhood trauma. About a year ago I started remembering my sexual abuse that I had suppressed. I have been working so hard on healing since and this seems like the last thing I need to overcome.

Learning to love myself in ways I was not taught has been a long and difficult journey. I was taught to not deal with my problems and feelings but to disregard them completely for others comfort. I still hold onto drinking and smoking at times just to not feel alone. My friends all indulge in it and since I don't like to be completely alone I tend to participate while in their presence to feel like I belong. I am still doing what I was taught to do from childhood which is putting myself aside for others comfort. I should put me first and if they don't want to be around me I need to work on trusting that God has so much more in store for me. I have been able to stand firm on my veganism but not the other two. This is confirmation I am on the right path and my intuition has been spot on with what I need to do while going through this transformation.

11/23/2020 03:26:45 pm

Lack mentality. I reflect on my thoughts and attitude with this card. How long will I continue to look at a situation from a self defeating perspective and shift into a more healthy reframe? Its ok to think about things but to not get consumed is the test. Easing out of the thoughts that I don't have something, and knowing that I have everything I need. Understanding that people, places, and things are only for a season, truly.

Robby

11/23/2020 03:54:26 pm

Yesterday I wrote. I got a cup of tea and sat in the bean bag chair with the laptop and typed out a year long story. I looked for it, a recap before reading and writing today. I couldn't find it. The scared to be vulnerable me likely never hit submit.

I think that's the story here. There's the going fast and furious in to love, giving all, giving too much to the wrong person. The ones who cannot reciprocate and I can't be the fix-it for them and so we part ways. Then there's the fear of vulnerability, the be alone, keep to myself, mind my business, my child and my aging and broken parents.

This part of me would rather just watch these cups pour out alone, because it's better to just be alone than it is to turn around, look at the two cups standing and end up knocking them over too, loving too hard, or not enough, being too much, or not enough, trying to fit inside of a cup that I overflow... thereby actually feeling alone. Also, keeping those cups at a distance means they can't be disappointed, they can't expect too much, they can't muddy my shoes. Then I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt to watch them spill, when they eventually do. Even if they don't spill the love inside will probably evaporate over time, leaving me with another empty cup.

Diane

11/23/2020 04:46:00 pm

Mmm thank you once again for you stories.
I feel this in my family lineage. I am soon embarking on healing my ancestry (in Dec) because I don't want to be stuck anymore. Stuck in friendships, romance, money scarcity, setting boundaries with my family, etc. Its a wonderful reminder to start anew and to keep moving forward instead of trying the same old song and dance that doesn't work.

LMP

11/23/2020 05:56:16 pm

I keep looking for other people and community, even though I am the scapegoat of my family on both sides, and they keep rejecting me. My family is Lucy from Peanuts who lure me in with the idea of belonging and then yank the football away. Because I was raised by narcissists, I often pick the wrong humans for friends and then I repeat the cycle again, always feeling like I'm on the outside, going back and forth from the family I talk to --the unspilled cups--and the ones I'm estranged from--the spilled cups that I allow to live in my head. Meanwhile there are people in my life who don't fit that bill and I have a hard time showing up for them, because of my social anxiety, because I don't feel good enough, because because because.

Cad

11/23/2020 06:29:19 pm

My father was 5 years older than my mother. When they first met, my mom was 14 and my father was 19. When they married, my mom was 17 & My father 22. My father got my mother pregnant. My dad was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive to my moon. My mom stayed in that marriage for 50 decades until my dad died 3 and a half years ago.

Fast forward, @ 22 I met a man 7 years my senior. He was my first sexual partner. We dated. He was emotionally and then matter sexually abusive towards me. I stayed in that relationship almost 10 years, got pregnant twice & had two abortions. Never saw a connection between my parents marriage & my own partnership until my sex therapist pointed that shit out.

11/23/2020 07:54:44 pm

My 5 of Cups is MOTHERHOOD. I’ve been a stay at home homeschooling mother for 12 yrs now and sometimes I feel like I don’t know wtf I’m doing or if I’m doing things right. I get irritated at myself for not pouring myself out to do the best I can at mothering. At the same time, I keep looking at my spilled cups and go ‘What could I have done better? Why didn’t I do it differently?’ Then tell myself ‘I’ll try to do better next time’ (2 cups). But it feels like I’ve been repeating these cycles.

Oubria, thank you so much for sharing this. I think I might be ready for the Tower/Death combo now cuz I’m tired of crying over my spilled cups.

Ericka

11/23/2020 09:08:41 pm

Hmmmm, my 5 of cups..was searching for love outside of myself and in the men I dated. I believe this trickled down from my mothers relationships with men, and many of the women in my family. I have 4 siblings and we all have different fathers, she married just as many times as children she has if not a few over. Til this day none of the men lasted, and I carried a little of that poison with me along my journey to discover self love. I would go from one relationship, and right when I was finally fed up with that guy, I would have my next one lined up.I never took a break to reflect on any of it until after the man I had children for. When I met the man that would father my children, I had a shit load of insecurities that surfaced. In my mind he was so fine, he was one of the most handsome guys I had ever dated and I overlooked a lot of red flags to be with him because I felt like if I let him go I would be missing out on something. I was so focused on being with him I ignored all signs. I ended up pregnant within the first month of us dating, this began a 7 yr cycle of lessons I didn’t understand fully until I finally left him a year after having a second child with him that he now treats just the same way his mother did him. THEN I meet the man whose storyline matched up with mine, who is the guy from my previous post. We both had 3 other siblings with different dads. Our first jobs were working around animals, his birthday was 11/11 and mine 12/12. We even had the same north node and south node signs, could talk to each other for hours but I met him right at the beginning of his shadow work cycle so our connection went straight to the 5 of cups repetitively until I finally got the message. I’ve been working on myself for 2yrs now and finally feel like that was the last test before I get to step into that Ace of Cups VIP section. I’m looking at everybody like this 🧐at this point. Like who sent you?!

Kelsey

11/23/2020 10:36:35 pm

Sitting with the 5 of Cups card and your reading of it makes me think of how I've spent much of the past couple of years focusing on the question "How did I get here?" Especially when times get tough and I'm really suffering, I look back on choices I've made along the way, trying to identify which were mistakes and how I can avoid having the same heartache and pain happen...ever again. I obsess over the "What if's" and get untethered from the present because I fantasize about what would have happened if I'd known what I know now? (i.e. How would my life be better if I made a different choice back then?) Except, that's no way to live and we really aren't able to control the future as much as we'd like to think we can.

So then, I learn to feel compassion for my past self and why I made those choices. I realize that I had little-to-no control over making those choices differently because of conditioning from my parents/society, because I was younger and literally did not know better, and most importantly, because it's the life journey that was set out for me all along. As much as I want to go back and un-spill those 3 cups, that's not the way. That's not possible. The way through is by turning toward those 2 cups. Even with all of the familiar pain that I know they contain, there are new layers of myself to discover in those familiar pains. There are new higher/deeper levels of my life's journey to experience. I can stay stuck focusing on what I've already lived through, or I can take that knowledge and face what's ahead in order to move on.

Whoa. Damn. Thank you for this inquiry Oubria!

11/24/2020 12:01:53 am

1) the love you've been giving wasn't love,
If I reference my first post about my son’s father, I realize that what I thought was me fiercely loving him was actually me being tolerant of his actions and enabling behaviors I normally wouldn’t. I just wanted him to act right, whatever that meant.

2) the love you've been receiving wasn't love,
No, it wasn’t. It definitely didn’t feel like it. I thought that if I didn’t ask questions, or nag him and just support him he would eventually return the love I thought I was giving.

3) all that stuff that wasn't love poisoned the purity inside you (God's love).
I absolutely forgot my core values, stop doing things I loved, lost my sense of self, and ignored my spirituality all for what I thought was love. God was not at the foundation of that relationship and I ignored every sign that told me to leave it alone.

Thank you, Oubria, for urging me to really think about this. My surface thoughts of this situation are nothing in comparison to the truth of what it really was.

B.M.

11/24/2020 08:20:11 am

I feel my five of cups moment happened long ago. I used to have boyfriend that I can look back on today and say he really loved me and I think that's why he was put into my life. The only reason I have an idea about what love is IS because of him. Cuz when I think of what filled my cup…..goodness. I can honestly say I was the dirty water and my ex was the clean water. I used to do so much fucked up shit to that dude because, at the time, I thought it was funny. But…… OK, so judge me, but the WORST thing I did (and honestly the worst thing I think I have ever done to a person) was tell this dude I had AIDS as a joke DO YOU KNOW HOW HE RESPONDED? He paused for a while and then said we will work through it. I was so mean to this dude, I cheated on him a couple of times too. After cheating on him the final time, I was like we should break up. He still wanted to stay with me. We parted ways for a couple of years.

Then, because of my career choice we started talking again. We talked all the time, for HOURS but we lived in different locations. He was a good friend and I took the idea of us getting back together for granted. I always viewed him as a backup plan. But what I didn’t know was he was also talking o someone else and their relationship was progressing.

He never told me.

I actually used to go to a tarot reader that was really cool with my whole family and she was the one who told me. I cried all the way back home and then called him. I was crying so much I had to hand the phone to a friend and he said to her the following, verbatim “if she would have told me how she felt about me a couple of months ago, I would have showed up to the door with ring. But I invested too much time and energy into my current relationship to walk away now.” Today, he is still married with kids. I used to cry about this all the time, but I eventually moved on.

Looking back at this I realize I did not understand my ex, I did not understand why someone would care for me like he did. No one paid attention to me. My mother used to tie a rope to one of my legs and then tie the other end to a chair so I would not get into trouble. Then she would go about and do her house chores, talk on the phone, etc. One of her stories she thinks is funny to tell is when I was younger, I would sit in front of the bathroom and say over and over again “mommy, you take a shower? you take a shower mommy? mommy you take a shower?” I would also do that to my older sister. After a couple of minutes asking the same question over and over again, she would say “YEESSSSSS, I am taking a shower”. I used to think this story was funny too until I thought about how ignored I must of felt to ‘pester’ them like that. To put it simply, I was a burden and I always felt like a burden.

So I can image, when I thought I was giving love to and receiving love from my family, we were just exchanging resentment and pain. Therefore, that is all I could give to my ex. And even though all of that, he was still patient with me and loving to me.

Sooooo, I guess I wasted that relationship… I hope he is happy, he deserves it.

Ruth

12/6/2020 03:38:46 am

Fuck me. I felt that hardcore.

I often still think of myself as a burden. A burden ot the divine, that I'm too needy, that people like me because they are just focusing on the positive. It's gotten better over the years, it's easier now to accept my husband's love, but I still struggle with the feeling like I have to justify my existence.

You deserve happiness too.
You deserve to be here too, taking up space.
HUG HUG HUG.

Tee

11/24/2020 06:45:45 pm

Infidelity runs throughout my family lineage. My Dad was a child of an affair. I grew up hearing the constant fights between my Dad and Mom every time he would get caught cheating. I would get so frustrated because she would always take him back. I remember thinking I would do everything in my power to not be "weak" like my Mom. I couldn't understand why she would stay in a marriage like that.

Fast forward to when I grew up a bit. I was so attracted to this one guy and we started dating. His friend asked me why did I believe he was really into me when he could have a more attractive woman. That touched a nerve I didn't even know I had. So I slept with the friend to prove I wasn't going to be stupid and stay with a man that didn't want me. I realized that was wrong after my boyfriend confronted me and I realized how heartbroken he was. Yet, I still didn't learn.

A few years later, I cheated on my next boyfriend. His life spiraled out of control for a few years because he couldn't deal with the hurt. I kept making dumb decisions over and over again to prove I wasn't a "weak woman" like my Mom. Then one day, I realized I was more like my Dad than my Mom. I was hurting people so I wouldn't get hurt.

I'm still single today because I don't know how to move forward and not focus on the mistakes of the past. I worry that I'll meet a great guy and mess it up again because I haven't healed properly. So while I'm ready to focus on the two cups, I don't know how and that scares me.

Cierra

11/24/2020 09:38:31 pm

Whew. This one is a hard pill to swallow. I honestly haven't been able to let go of any of my exes (from as long ago as 12 years to as recent as 2). It's not that we still communicate much, but I do find myself thinking about them, wishing we still had some sort of connection, & occasionally reaching out. Sometimes I wonder if that's messy or immature but to me it really feels heart-centered. I guess Im just not really a fan of how relationships tend to work. I don't date for marriage or long term commitment. I date because I feel chemistry, a deep connection, often feel catalyzed or inspired by the person and letting that go simply bc we weren't meant to be together forever sucks.
When we get into why the relationships didn't last (outside of the fact that I'm not really a long term committed-partnership sort of person), I am absolutely aware that what I thought was love wasn't fully & we both acted out of our wounds.
I do feel an emptiness & longing at times when I think about the fact that their presence isn't in my life anymore, though. Idk how to process this or actually move on (I just emailed my most recent ex a month ago & I'm honestly hoping we reconnect some time in the future)

Mysti

11/24/2020 10:18:00 pm

My 5 of cups experience was with my ex-husband. I should have known not to marry him, his own mother warned me not to. My wedding was 5 hours late! No one in my family liked him! For years we were the “perfect” family. Prosperous, with a big house, matching Durangos, 2.5 kids)the point five was my beloved golden retriever).
But it was all a lie. The old cliche “the wife is the last to know” was my story. For 22 years I was loyal in thought and deed only to find out he’d been cheating since we were dating! Our “love” was poison and ended in him trading me in like a used car for a younger slimmer model.

Becca Nicole

11/25/2020 01:39:21 am

I have tried to leave this comment multiple times with multiple answers (I'm a Libra we're indecisive they say lol) it's I feel I've had multiple moments were I was standing just like ol boy on the card not seeing God saying "idiot if you don't stop tripping over them dirty dishes in front of you and come get this cleaned up new dishware" asking God why this why that help me when I really ain't stopped over thinking and micro managing my life in my head and not recognizing nothing he's showing or telling me for example my furnace went out common sense call landlord tell him come fix it my crazy self thinks like a typical stubborn person plays with the thermostat attempts to find out what it is and fix it smh bout to blow me and the house up for pride and not seeing it as ok make a phone call get help you are choosing to do this the difficult way you don't have too though I've always been irrationally crazy in certain situations that don't need extra stress my crazy tail will do whatever it is to fix the issue fast no matter how destructive/hurtful to me it is in the name of being strong in the name of being independent most of my adult relationships have been with men that have never grown up so I dumb myself down I put up with bs cause I see potential in them not recognizing that they don't see themselves in the same light so me trying to help them is futile because they have to want to change for themselves so I stay in the red and green muck cause it's safe it feels familiar it's ok if they're abusive it's ok if they don't respect me all the time it's ok to work like crazy cause I didn't finish my degree and every time I try to something happens it's ok not to truly know my purpose etc I'm appreciative that participating in this is making me stop and think and meditate on the things that truly aren't working I know this isn't easy I know it's going to be allot of hard work but I have to do something the past few months I've been physically and mentally self destructive I probably should be in a facility some where but I'm realizing the truth in what a counselor told me once " sweetie" she said " you got at least 8-12hours of crying you need to do; and not that cute stuff like ugly face, snot nose crying" imagine having that much crap you're holding in that you need at least 1/2 a full 24 hours to release all because I was told at a time when I should have been able to cry, yell scream whatever that I had to be strong my father passed when I was young he died at around 2am I remember it vividly he was in the room across the hall from me hospice had been there I was woke up by my radio going of the song crossroads by Bone came on at the part where I miss my uncle Charles is as soon as they said that verse in the song I heard them wheeling him down the hall I didn't look out the door to see because I was drawn to the window I saw a star I went back to sleep next day I was told what I already knew and then told to be strong what they didn't know was I was already being strong because the older brother to my neighbor from across the street had finessed his way over to the house when no one was home when I got out of school my dad was in the hospital mom's at work he knew he also knew I couldn't fight him off I was holding that in now my dad is gone and I gotta be strong I honestly didn't know how stoic I was until on two different occasions some one mentioned it once I was getting repremanded at work and the supervisor said you're not even showing emotion and once after a funeral when my cousin told me you don't even cry when you supposed to oh but TMH& 2020 said nope we gonna break you down like a swisher but I feel this shadow work is going to allow me to face the goopy stuff I've created within myself and finally stop tripping over dirty dishes when there's two new ones ready

Dela

11/25/2020 01:19:01 pm

For me, the 5 of cups was centered around being a side chick during my high school years. Being a side chick but being labelled as a "best friend." Back then, I thought the person I was messing with was really my best friend, and we would hang out despite his then girlfriend not approving of our friendship. So we snuck around and did tell any body that we were hanging out. I thought I was doing this in the name of best friendship. I look back and I think, hell no.

And to make more things messy, his then girlfriend was my oldest friend. A friend I met in pre-school! And we ended up not being friends anymore since she started dating that dude, whom I called my best friend. I look back and I think, wtf was I thinking, and what the fuck do I look like sneaking off to hang out with this dude behind this girls back? That's some shady stuff. But again, disguised in the name of "best friendship."

And so everytime he would come around, text, call, ask for advice for his relationship, need someone to chief with, need someone to eat with, or whatever the case was, I would drop everything just to comply. What kind of simp looking fool was I?

It wasn't until I was in my mid 20's where this best friendship took a turn when he broke up with the girl (who was deemed his fiance for about 2 years), and started coming around to where I taught yoga at. For some reason, the context of our relationship grew into a point where I started to recognize my feelings towards him. At first I was like no, I have no feelings, it's all platonic. But suddenly it dawned on me like, ohhhhh this is what feelings look like and feel like. That's why I was ok with being the side chick.

To tie it all up, we are no longer friends, we no longer contact one another, and good riddance. But the shadow aspect of the 5 of pentacles for me rests in the fear of being in the position of that girl. What would I do if my boyfriend now had a side chick he treated platonically, is cheating on my emotionally, and is secretly hanging out with this girl leading her on and using her for a cure for his lonliness? The thought haunts the back of my mind but I have to remember that I will always have the upper hand because my love is for me and for me only, first, before it is for anybody else.

Faunta

11/29/2020 10:03:56 pm

I romanticize EVERYTHING, okay. There have been 3 (maybe now 4) men that I thought were meant for me. We'd have these epic "misunderstandings" that led to me breaking it off but then I'd run right back. I've been stuck, for a long time. It's like I'm not even turning around and see the two cups behind me.. I'm tryna put the spilled milk back in the cup and pray I don't salmonella because it'll work this time. Love conquers all. I (now) know that the love that conquers all is self love. But we're not really taught that or rather it not reinforced. Especially for women, I believe we are programmed to search outside of ourselves for love, support and etc. Its only when we have this energy within that we'll attract that counterpart in the world. Its been challenging for me to apply this knowledge to real life tests.
But what of the love from which I came? My father loved my mother. My mother loved my father. They never planned for kids. I was a surprise, yet not unwanted. My arrival however did not mend the tears that had developed in their marriage. I now know that grew up in this energy of abandonment, disappointment and loss. Probably on both their parts. I'm still coming through that.
I want to have the confidence and strength to know that there are two more cups, all is not lost. I can try again with clean water because love from All is ever abundant. I will turn around.

12/6/2020 03:28:01 am

This card comes up for me a lot. It used to come up alllllll the time. I wanted five children and I only got the one I birthed 17 years ago. I was meant to have 5 children, I had a vision in high school. But life didn't allow for it. The spirit of one is still within my family, and I know where that child is. The other three became someone's miracle babies.

But it was hard for me to not berate myself for any and all fuck ups.
And now drown in the grief of what might have been. Some of that grief was counterfeit grief, shame masquerading as something healthy and legit (which grief is) as I beat myself over and over for the same mistakes that haunt me needlessly.

12/19/2020 06:47:42 pm

As I read this post, I was blank about my 5 of cups. I think my 5 of cups is my resentment towards my family, and myself for having Stockholm's syndrome. It's like I keep putting others before myself, and I keep putting people who do not deserve my time and energy before myself. I allow people to treat me like shit, and then bend over backwards to help them take from me.

I was a parentified child at a young age. I grew up with addictive parents who slave drove us, had us conform to their religious values, isolated us from the rest of the world, and silenced us with the rod.

It was like I grew up in a small family cult. With only a following of 11 participants. But, I carry shame about getting into relationships that repeat my family patterns.

I keep abandoning myself like my parents abandoned me to get high on crack, a chewy or alcohol -- or all three.

I keep pouring into empty ass cups while watching my cup lay bare and cob-webbed.

The moments are so clear as day.

I still remember being orally raped by my boyfriend at the time, and staying with him for 2 years after until I found out he had a child with another girl behind my back. Desperation caused me to leave.

I know now that none of this partner is love, compassion or respect. Three things that I have to show myself ten-fold.

So the sorrow of my separation will not lead me to drink dirty water, because I know it will just repeat the cycle.

When I started pushing back against my ex-spouse's tantrums, delusions, and toxic behavior, I was able to realize that the recurring dreams I had for 12 years were actually of me being sexually abused by my father. I thought it was just PTSD from finding out about the sexual abuse of my younger siblings. But it was my own. From there, this caretaker, stockholm syndome, love your abuser behavior of mines began to make total sense. I had been carrying shame from the age of 4 that I was wrong because I was rejected by my 'favorite' uncle and had engaged in sexual acts with my younger brothers. As an adult, I learned that my behavior was taught because I was a child and did not know what I was doing. I am so mad that I carried my father's shame for so many years.

And my father had the nerve to admit to sexually abusing one of my sisters, and 9 out of 11 members still fuck with him. The toxicity is real.

I have been feeling the urge to reconnect with my mama because I see a connection between her romantic relationships and her mother's romantic relationship with my grandfather. We all stayed in relationships where we were to comply with our spouses toxic AF behavior.

I thought I was breaking the cycle by separating from my spouse but I see that she has made me out to fulfill her father's role as she plays the role of her mother. Her father was her abuser but she maintained a distant relationship with him for years, and resented her alcoholic mother but would never cut ties. I think she acts just like her mother but she doesn't see it.

I struggle with knowing that although we are separating, having a child keeps us connected. That shit hurts. I'm going to go cry now.

40 days
of shadow work