day 40: nine of swords (despair)

11/22/2020

I shuffled the deck good & plenty while asking the Most High which card should begin our shadow work & I was surprised (but shouldn't have been) when the nine of swords popped out.

For those of you who don't know, the Nine of Swords is what's known as a "Minor Arcana," card in the tarot. Most Minor Arcana cards are a combination of two energies from the Major Arcana. In this case, the two Major Arcana cards that create the energy of the Nine of Swords are the Tower (which represents the planet Mars) & the Lovers (which represent the astrological sign of Gemini).

Therefore the Nine of Swords is also known as Mars in Gemini, or the Tower in the Lovers. The Tower card deals with moments of divine intervention that appear destructive & unsettling but are actually meant to keep us from continuing to strive in the wrong direction; The Lovers is about choices, whether in relationship, business, artistic endeavors, etc. - that reveal the naked truth of who we are. When you put these two energies together (Tower + the Lovers) the Nine of Swords depicts what happens when the Most High keeps sending destructive & unsettling events meant to shock us out of our poor choices & re-direct us towards our personal truth & highest path- even if it tears us away from the places & faces where (if not for the damn towers) we feel comfortable.

In the Nine of Swords, we've made our bed, therefore our first instinct is to lie in it. The tarot is literal & therefore "lie in it," has a double meaning. Since swords represent air (thoughts/ speech), the nine of swords represent the things we say to ourselves & others in an attempt to tolerate an intolerable situation. Not only do we continue to be complacent (lie in it), but we also pretend (lie in it) that everything is fine. It's only at night when we're alone with ourselves that we reveal the depths of our discomfort & admit the truth that we just can't take this shit no more. This feeling of despair is actually our blessing, because it's divinely sent clarity that we can't keep going like this. No matter the cost, changes must be made. What felt right at one point has turned out to be really, really wrong. If we could just admit that we made a mistake, we would be free to choose again.

Yet it is here, in the midst of our confusion, exhaustion & desperation, right when we're (thank God!) ready to admit defeat, that the damn Devil enters the chat. You weren't wrong, he says. Are you really going to give up so easily? Can't you figure out a way? What about the people who love you & depend on you? Would you really abandon them? Won't you fight for them? Don't you love them? Doesn't love bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things?

And then instead of accepting our misery-as-healing & taking up our mat to GO, we lie back down in the bed we've made, somehow convinced that if we only try again but harder, something will change. This is how hope (which should be a wonderful thing) becomes the shadow energy of despair, because it pressures us to hold on when the Most High is doing everything in His power to make us let go (or be dragged).

I'll give you an example-
When I first got together with my soon-to-be ex-husband, there were nine significant red flags (read: tower moments) early in the relationship. However we committed to each other very quickly (moved in together after two weeks & I became pregnant within a month), so instead of seeing these red flags as the screaming exit signs they were, I felt obligated to double down & barricade the door. The first flag was his inability to hold a stable job. He told me he was trying / looking for work, yet I kept finding half-filled, crumpled job applications in the trunk & backseat of my car. Instead of stepping back to observe his behavior, I told myself he needed a cheerleader to motivate him harder.

The second red flag was his temper. The smallest rebuke or suggestion would set him off. Instead of recognizing I was tying my life to someone with an angry, combative spirit, I told myself he needed to be loved harder & understood more. The third red flag was the fact that he never had money, & if I handed him money, he never brought me my change. Instead of admitting to myself that I was being used, I convinced myself that love was more important than money. The fourth red flag was the discovery that he was still emotionally & sexually involved with his ex-wife. Since I was already pregnant & desperately unwilling to be a single mother, I convinced myself that because I'd never been married, I was naive to the difficulties & complications of emotions post-divorce. The fifth red flag was the fact that my friends & family gave the relationship a huge HELL NO. Instead of admitting I should listen to those who loved & knew me best, I convinced myself I'd been changed by love & they just didn't understand.

The sixth red flag was the fact that he rarely cleaned the home we shared, even when the small children from his first marriage were visiting. Instead of seeing I was setting myself up to be overworked, I told myself this is "just how it is when you live with a man." The seventh red flag was that he didn't have a car of his own, yet was irresponsible with mine, including filth, several parking tickets & a couple of minor accidents. Yet I told myself I shouldn't care so much about material things, & that I should be more forgiving. The eighth red flag was that he had no concrete plans for his future (a litany of complaints about his life tho!). I told myself he'd never been taught to plan (poor baby) but that I would teach him. The ninth red flag was that he signed up for school (upon my insistence) but was soon begging me to complete his overdue assignments. I told myself I needed to quit being so mean & use my smarts to help my man.

Y'all! All these tower moments occurred within the first six months of our relationship. Soon I'd gone from being a single, independent, focused, happy college graduate, to being a pregnant, overworked (three jobs!), broke, depressed, stressed, battle-tested, alienated, humiliated, frustrated baby mama, in a dirty apartment, with dents all over my car, increased auto-insurance & blunt guts & weed crumbs always on the floor mats. Before long I hated my life, & funded it at the same time. It was like going bankrupt buying handcuffs & a noose. Every single tower moment was the finger of God's love illuminating the fact I needed to admit I was wrong, cut my losses & move on, but the longer I stayed with him (& convinced my family and friends I was right to do so), the longer I trapped myself with my own excuses, codependency & shame. Instead of waking up to the clarity that it was all fucked up, I rocked myself to sleep for 12 years (& birthed five children) hoping the situation would magically improve. Spoiler alert: It didn't.

Even now, I feel fucked up telling y'all all that. I don't want you to see my almost ex-husband as the bad guy, or me as a big dummy. I want to tell you that I'm not perfect, & that his mama abandoned him & his grandma died & his daddy was mean. What I'm saying is that I still want to make excuses, even after all this time. Even though I've had to part ways to keep my sanity, my heart still wants to hope, believe, bear, endure, because that's who I am & that's how I love. Still, I'm through letting my love be used against me. Sometimes the only way to heal & restore ourselves is to ignore glimmers of hope & embrace the darkness of despair. It's hard to admit that it will never get better, but that's the only truth that sets you free.

Still, leaving felt impossible. It has been a series of baby steps forward & giant steps back. I have had to overcome my fear of being alone in the dark, & control my instinct to run towards the tower simply because it lights up the sky.

Ok, that's my story. Please share your Nine-of-Swords stories in the comments, even if yours is exactly like mine or someone else's & you don't want to be redundant. Please, let's be redundant. This is a truth that needs to be spoken again, again, again.

I'm so glad y'all are here!

36 Comments

Author

all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

Ebony

11/22/2020 12:24:34 am

First thank you for sharing and using your platform for people to be vulnerable and heal. My nine of swords story stems from childhood. My father is a pedophile, my mother was an addict, and my family was just all around fucked up in so many ways. Even so I was not the one who wanted to run away, I was the one who did everything I could to be accepted and loved. So much to the point I disregarded my abuse and neglect just for a little affection. When I got old enough God gave me so many chances to get away on my own and I would still find my way back to a family that only was there if they could get something out of it. Everytime God helped me get way I had to blow up my current situation and start from the bottom, just to build myself up again. The first time I had my own place I was doing great in my career my father lost his house and I literally let him, my older sister and his wife all live in my one bedroom apartment and no one helped me. It got so bad that I dropped everything, my job and my home just to get away from the toxicity. I built myself back up and graduated culinary school and was working in the industry. My father calls and needs my help cause he had messed up his life and I was the only one to help him. I quit my job moved back home to get his life together only to find myself a year later being verbally and physically abused by him. I got out of that situation by meeting a man online and marrying this man within 4 months. There were so many red flags that God was putting in front of me that I didn't need him or anyone but my need for love and acceptance needed to make this work. After 6 months this man left me and went to Texas. I was in a spot to leave the relationship and just move on with my life but I didn't want to be alone so I blew up my life and followed this man to Texas. After 3 years of God showing me this man is not for me I blew up life and moved back home. I have built my life back up and I am doing well for myself but I have gotten to a place where I feel so alone but that is because I have cut out everyone who is toxic and I feel so lost. Even writing this I'm like damn I really keep myself up at night sad because I don't have these fucked up people in my life? Fear of loneliness is real and will have you straight up lying to yourself!! Damn!!

Oubria Tronshaw

12/1/2020 01:03:37 pm

I really appreciate you sharing this with us & I know it couldn't have been easy. Just reading all you've been through, you seem compassionate, sincere & willing to help anyone. Those are all virtues, it's just that maybe they've taken advantage of by the wrong people. I know it's uncomfortable being alone but it's better to be alone than surrounded by wolves. The Most High will send your tribe & you'll be glad your heart never hardened.

Dee

11/22/2020 03:29:22 am

Thank you so much for this story and interpretation. I recently ended a friendship with a very good man because I realized he wasn't going to change or put in the healing he needed to make our friendship (and his life) better. I feel the loneliness and often wonder if I should have kept toxic people in my life. The shadow part of me expects that when I'm vulnerable and healing then other people should be too. That's not the case. I'm not responsible to encourage them, and sometimes that keeps me stuck. There comes a time to choose between helping others and helping yourself.

11/22/2020 05:23:15 am

An excellent place to begin shadow work, thank you, Most High.

This card is one of the first I embraced in Tarot. Its meaning is very obvious and easy to remember. What is not is the way through.... again, the card shows us.... while three swords (thoughts, spoken words, remembered experience) go through the figure, the remaining six form a ladder. If we remove our hands from our face and see, we can begin the process of moving up and away. It will continue to be painful but there will be progress.

One final detail I notice about the Melanated Classic Tarot is that the flowers on the comforter are all red roses (mind overwhelming passion). In the Waite Smith version, they are red and white which indicates both passion and mercy.

Thanks to all who read and shared.

Let us support and lift each other through the end of this difficult year.

Kimberly

11/22/2020 08:51:22 am

I think I'm currently going through my own nine of swords story that's similar to yours (though not exact) and I've even seen it and have just made peace with it at this point. My partner isn't abusive but he does have ADHD and some un-checked trauma that is standing in his way and I've been trying so hard to be helpful while not "being a bitch" and...it just hasn't worked. The worst part is that we just bought a home that I love and my life is stable (I certainly can't afford to live on my own). And I love him but not the rest of it...

I also am dealing with past trauma that are completely separate from that - sexual assaults when I was a teenager and the ramifications of that and sometimes I feel like I'll never get over this hump.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Ruth

11/23/2020 09:20:39 pm

I have PTSD due to child abuse. My husband has ADHD. We have had some unhealthy dynamics but we both worked on them. And it helped sooo much for me to get proper therapy and treatment for PTSD and getting on a mental health drug that’s the right drug on the right dose. It suddenly made all all the energy healing and meditation and faith stuff so much easier. It also helped that my husband got properly medicated too for his ADHD and another health problem he has.

We both kept communicating and kept working on ourselves and supporting each other even when we would royally fuck up.

Basically. This is me saying there’s hope for you two yet. HUG.

11/24/2020 10:41:21 pm

Thank you so much for your comment!!! I really appreciate it!

Becca Nicole

11/22/2020 09:19:13 am

My most damaging/memorable Tower moments came from my relationship with my kids father and his family. Now don't get me wrong I've have plenty of Tower moments in life I attribute that to being stubborn to the point of being slightly more less intelligent at times especially when I wanna "prove" something. But he showed up in my life with red flags out the gate; met him at a check cashing place but he was riding with his friends and not cashing nothing. Two: found out he was living with his momma no job no phone no car, but he was fun I said smh and maybe he'll get back on his feet we all fall smh is what I told myself. Life turned me into an inabiler if a man who had never grown up mentally, that came from an abusive family, that has a long line of only doing what is right if there's something in it for them. The relationship had all the details of a 90s/ early 2000s hood movie I was working 6-7 days a week supporting him and his family's habits and need for basic stuff like shelter and food. I tried to leave several times until finally cps showed up while I was on bed rest and made me and my oldest son move and sign papers that we would not let him know where we live. But I'm stubborn never wanted to be just a " baby momma" so my stupid self was like " you can still try & make it work" God was like ok keep playing. The last time I saw that man we literally almost fought to the death while I was holding my youngest in my arms and he was throwing a temper tantrum cause he wanted money to get drunk. Then it just clicked something was like fool you don't like these ppl and they'll screw your kids up if you go to jail today get in the car and bounce. So I did haven't seen him in person since. My next relationship was so so much better. But now he's passed away and I'm trying to process grief for real this time. I've dealt with death most of my life my father passed away in the room across the hall from me when I was little and I was told I had to be strong. So I attempted it to the point where I never really processed those emotions ever. But two months ago when I was told he was gone, it was like I was feeling and grieving everything. That's the dispair I feel now like every thing is crumbling and the world isn't as colorful anymore. But I'm here to do this work so functioning will be less painful and I won't continue to make mistakes in the decisions I make. I appreciate having this space to learn and grow.

11/22/2020 10:53:05 am

This card has come up on multiple occasions this year. I'm fact although I've had the tarot deck for I think almost two years, I get there same cards A LOT and this is one. Most recently the ex came back into my life. He pretended to be changed, different, a new man in this pandemic. He apologized for all the pain he caused years before and wanted to make things right. He started communicating consistently, being "honest" and open. All along the way, something didn't feel right but I continued on.

I needed his loving touch, his hand rubbing my back, his supportive works, him holding me. I needed him to be changed but ignored that everything in his life was evidence he hadn't. How could someone change on the inside but their external life is still the same? I let him in regardless. The feelings that something wasn't right persisted until I found out he was the same ole lying, sleeping around, do-nothing asshole. It took me getting hurt all over again to recognize my intuition tried to warn me. I just thought maybe the feelings were fear of love, fear of intimacy, anxiety about relationships. No it was a scream to RUN (not walk) in the other direction. I hate that I had to be hurt to know that I shouldn't have let him back in. I hate that he couldn't just leave me alone. I hate that I didn't listen the first time. But I'm moving on and grateful that I'm able to.

Natrue

11/22/2020 11:57:07 am

I made a mistake, that's the hardest darkest thing to say because of the pain. That sometimes I don't know what was the mistake. Was it being open and vulnerable with a man I barely knew? Was it the menstrual cup too large for my body, ignoring the pain, possibly stretching my cervix making it more accepting of sperm? Was it the hoping that even though he kept running away he kept returning that meant I should just keep going strong with the love I felt? Was the mistake becoming pregnant? Was the mistake asking God for permission to miscarry? Was it having the abortion to miscarry? Was the mistake love? My love?

The questioning leaves me raw.
Raw enough to make more mistakes? Sobs.

Cheryl link

11/22/2020 01:14:54 pm

My desire to make a difference in the world expressed itself through 25 years of toxic nonprofit work environments. If the definition of insanity is really doing the same thing over and over again—I did it! At the core was a toxic upbringing around money and worthiness that devalued my true gifts (artistic). It took a long time to embrace who I really am and begin to heal my relationship with money. Five years into freedom. The healing spilled over into my personal relationships. The pandemic has once again brought into sharp focus that I will not settle for bad friendships that only want me to serve their needs, nor a less-than great companionship with he who does not value my creative brilliance. We are all worthy of a divine love.

Naturallysane

11/22/2020 01:36:11 pm

Although I’ve had many tower moments but the one that finally woke my ass up is the one with my son father. So so sooo many red flags and none I took Into consideration. I knew this man since Jr. H.s and on and off we would hook up. We finally met again in 2011 and at that time he had 2 kids and the youngest being a few months old! First red flag... I questioned this in my mind, why did he just pregnant this girl twice and again already out here looking for something else? When I finally questioned him about it he gave me some excuse about her pregnancy being an “accident” and she keeping the child to use against him. Silly me, I believed him. Drama after drama between his child’s mother and I. Him being mentally, physically abusive to her then thinking to myself he wouldn’t do this to me... we go way back. Smh silly me. I would make excuses in my head as to why I was different, why he treated her that why and not me. Shortly after we moved in together, he was a street hustler and as we all know street money is fast but not consistent. I was trying to encourage him to look for jobs, spent my time looking for work for him, found so many free schooling and trade work for him and his excuse to not going was that he didn’t want to take the train - I continued to provide, draining myself, still making excuses for him. I thought I could change him, show him love, love that he was missing growing up. His father wasn’t around and his step mom treated him like shit so I thought I could fill that void for him. I myself was also looking for a void to fill, grew up in an abusive household. My parents would physically fight and curse at one another daily, my father would abused me physically and verbally, sexually molested me (found out yrs later) ran away from home numerous times hating the environment I was in. I made excuses that he’s just like me, searching for love and comfort and that maybe being abusive was some what normal.. traditional maybe? — got pregnant for him, my mom forced us to marry because she didn’t want the family to look bad. I think 5 days before the actually wedding I miscarried. Not putting my own needs first and worried that everyone would be mad at me if I cancelled the wedding (it was a destination wedding) I still went on with it. I was depressed, swollen, hurt. While everyone is having fun, iI stayed inside crying with no one to console me. Fell into a deep depression for a while, he started cheating and told me I wasn’t enough for him. With all that being said, I’m still providing, he’s still not working and on top of that his family would come to my home and run up my bills and when I would talk to him about that, his response was.. well that’s my family. So one day, he got himself Into trouble, got locked up and here my silly self go trying to collect bail $. He gets bailed out, I get pregnant and when his trial came up he was found guilty and now spending yrs in prison. Raising a child alone has been tough, so many nights I’ve cried but I had to learn, I made my bed and it was time to lie in it.

Thank you for holding space. I needed this.

11/22/2020 02:12:39 pm

@NaturllySane I love the name by the way I just wanted to let you know as someone who's been right where you are at this moment. I'm proud of you for healing and helping yourself right now. I know it's difficult, but I know you will make it. Yes being a single mom is hard as hell but the fact that your taking the initiative to heal yourself mentally and spiritually means your about grow into yourself & love your self more. God is with you especially when you don't necessarily feel it.

11/22/2020 04:30:26 pm

Thank you, thank you so much. Means a lot

B.M.

11/22/2020 03:16:12 pm

My 9 of Swords moment was me trying to get into med school. After sending in one primary application, med schools would send out secondaries with additional questions specific for their school. Why did I mix up two schools and; therefore, sent them both the wrong application? How embarrassing. Then, I finally got accepted into a program where I was guaranteed a spot in the following years medical school class. Why did I wake up, spend 6-12 hour days in the library each day just starting at walls and watching inspirational videos on YouTube. I could NOT bring myself to study. At the time, I was so frustrated with myself. I mean, its not like I’m not smart enough and my behind is not in the library. Needless to say, I left that program. Then, instead of realizing med school was NOT for me, I took a year off and then got accepted into another program. And what did I do…the same damn thing. It made no sense to me at the time. I remembered feeling so ashamed when I left both programs because everyone thought I was doing well.

Now, when I think back on those times, I realize I wanted to be a doctor for the prestige that it brings. I loved how people responded to me when I told them I was going to be a doctor. However, my thoughts and beliefs about healing never aligned with the allopathic approach. I was too hard-headed and in too much denial to admit that.

Tanasia

11/22/2020 04:34:57 pm

Thank you for sharing. Through my emails within the academy, Oubria, you know many of my struggles. Divine intervention for me was the catalyst for my divorce and the beginning of my true spiritual journey. My ex spouse spoiled me to no end and was a great husband, in my eyes, but when things went bad...they went bad. Mentally, he went through a traumatic situation and lost himself inside of it. He was no longer the man I loved, yet I uprooted my life and my children trying to save him and force him to get help. Even when the counselors came to the house, he would tell them he didn't have a mental issue and it was all me. I was the one with the problem. He was fine. His illness began to take a toll on me. I'd have to go find him when his mind told him to leave, he'd stand over my bed at night, threaten to kill me if I left, or take our son and run. I wanted to die...maybe that would get his attention. Then one day, I sat in my quiet place to cry and pray, and TMH gave me the answer. SAVE YOURSELF. Those words have been my mantra going forward, and over this past year and a half, I have made hella mistakes when it comes to trying to date again, and even worse mistakes financially. It's not easy learning to live on one income when you've gone 15 years accustomed to two. At night, it's the worse. I long for my old relationship. It wasn't perfect, but I felt...secure. I know TMH is molding me into the woman He wants me to be, but I never knew it would be this tough. On top of that, moving back home has been tough. My relationship with my family, especially my mother, is not the best, and although I'm surrounded by blood, I still feel alone.

11/22/2020 04:39:08 pm

I finally decided to cut myself off from my son’s father. Throughout our relationship, I ignored all the red flags: he had a 7-month-old baby when we got together, he had too much emotion when he talked about the mother of his child, he often referenced Lemony Snicket when describing his life (basically, if something could go wrong, it eventually would), and he was extremely defensive when I asked questions. Oh, and he was a chronic liar. He was with both me and the mother of his child for the duration of our relationship. I knew he was cheating early on, but I needed him to admit to it in order for me to believe it. He never did. I spent years checking his email, social media, phone calls and text messages. I was devastated every time I had proof that he was lying and cheating but I still needed him to admit to what I already knew. We broke up for the last time when we found out I was pregnant. We didn’t speak at all during my pregnancy and for 2 years after our son was born. Communication was only by text to arrange time for him to spend with our son. I can’t remember how we eventually started talking again but it soon led to us being physical, which in hindsight was the only thing we were good at. He was and still is with the mother of his first and now third child (who is 5 months younger than my son) and I had moved on. His girl found out about us this year on my birthday (if that ain't the Most High getting my attention ONCE AGAIN, I don't know what is!). She went through his text messages and made it her business to let me know she knew what was going on. That’s when I realized I had to stop being toxic and allowing toxicity in my life. I was not making wise decisions and I have a little boy watching my every move. My son’s father and I haven’t spoken very much since my birthday. I actually blocked him from contacting me. The first month or so was hard because I had an odd sense of comfort in a situation that disturbed my peace. What confuses me at times is how I find myself missing him but I have no desire to be with him. Still, I’m choosing peace. If I’ve learned anything in the 10+ years I spent with my son’s father, it’s the importance of having, being, and living in peace.

JaiEl

11/22/2020 04:43:19 pm

Relationships are hard for me. Parents, extended family, romantic relationships, friendships. I feel so alone. After a failed marriage entered in while ignoring all the flags Oubria saw has left me nervous and unsure if my ability to manifest the man I wants and who wants me. I’m trying to figure out who the heck I am before I start, but I’m getting so impatient. I have a “friend” who fulfills some of the needs except the most important, genuine connection. So while I draft my dating site profile summary, I pray that I do so with the right mindset of self-love and awareness.

Valerie

11/22/2020 07:07:33 pm

Thanks to everyone for sharing!
I recently found out that a friend from college, Robin, is living in the same city as I am. Though we were friends in college, she and my high school best friend who also attended the same college were better friends than she and I. They hung out more together, got in trouble together, lived in the same dorm, etc. so they developed a tight friendship. By default, Robin and I became friends. I am generally that kind of friend who doesn't have to talk to you every day, doesn't have to hang out with you every day, isn't concerned necessarily about every detail of your life unless you want to share it, but who is always there if you need an ear or a hug, and who will help you out of a pinch. I am very happy by myself and if I see my friends infrequently, the quality of the time we spend together is more important to me than how often we meet up.

When it came to my attention that Robin and I lived in the same city (our mutual friend told me!) I reached out to her and we got together a few times. She called me several times a week and I let her know that I couldn't talk so frequently (I have a work, family, extracurricular stuff, etc. to attend to) and why. She does not have family here and is not married, but she has a full social life with many friends. Her calls often interrupted something I was doing but I took them anyway, feeling obligated to do so. But I started feeling down and tired every time we spoke. Her energy felt negative, she complained a lot and it was very draining for me but I tried to be supportive.

Recently I found myself avoiding her calls. When I do take them, I am short, abrupt and irritated with her. I want to enjoy her calls, but they feel shallow and intrusive. I will call her only after I've shored up my energy and feel like I have time to focus on her, but this really agonizes me because I don't typically treat people this way. I usually go above and beyond to make sure that I am available, accessible and supportive. I question why she bothers me, why I can't just be a “good friend.” I have literally awakened at night chastising myself for not being nicer and more accommodating to her. When I last spoke to her she accused me of not being a good friend because I didn't take all of her calls and did not call her enough, and I found myself not even caring about her feedback.

This sounds like a silly and petty thing, I know--but I think I have had a pattern of behavior that has always plagued me—the pattern of me accepting things that make me unhappy, uncomfortable, resentful, etc. to make others happy and comfortable. I am tired of that and with Robin, I have found that I won't make myself miserable to make her happy and meet her needs. Chit-chatting with her on the phone about nothing is not worth it to me. While that is powerful for me, it still hurt a little when I had to tell her that if I wasn't a good friend, she shouldn't put up with me. She quickly told me she was “only joking.”

This seems like an inconsequential example of a tower moment, but what I know is that I can't keep compromising myself. I can't keep minimizing my feelings to make sure someone else's aren't hurt. I can't keep tolerating shit that irritates me to no end because my resources are becoming more limited and I need them for better things. I can't spend my nights tossing and turning, reviewing conversations in my head about what I should have said, didn't say, what I going to say next time.... And when Robin calls me again (because she can't hear that I'll be perfectly fine not being her friend) I'll only answer if I want to.

Cierra

11/24/2020 12:44:02 am

I just want to say I relate to this post and nothing about what you're saying feels petty or inconsequential to me. It's been a challenge for me to release people pleasing, playing nice, or doing/saying the things that make me a "good person" & make others feel good even when it doesn't feel true/aligned with me. It's impacted every aspect of my life but definitely friendships. I'm glad that you're choosing yourself & your truth over the perceived comfort of others.

S.L.

11/22/2020 07:25:24 pm

As I read the description of the cards, I couldn't help but think about guilt I have been carrying around for a long time. But this year, I feel as if I broke my own heart, literally, In January, I felt as if I was tired of hiding. But when it all came down to it, I just decided to "lie in" the bed I made. This bed of marriage. I love my husband and our life. And one of the primary reasons I feel I'm choosing to lie in this bed is because I don't want to break his heart like I've broken my own. I chose safety, stability, and security. The "other" was the unpredictable choice. The choice I was unsure of and felt heightened by at the same time. I loved being in their presence. There never seemed to be a dull moment. I truly felt as if I loved them. I still do. But in my heart, I know it's wrong and I can't carry on that way and still "lie in" the bed I've made. So, every day is a step closer to an unknown path for me. At least it feels that way. Am I truly forgiven? Does he understand what I've been through? Can I truly move on from the "other"? Physically, I have. But mentally, I can honestly say that I haven't 100%. The tower is what makes this uncomfortable, and in some ways, I'm okay with that. I guess I have to be.

Claudia H.

11/22/2020 08:00:04 pm

Thank you for creating this space. My 9 of swords story involves my ex. We were together for over 20 years and there were a lot red flags from the beginning and during that time that should've made me leave him years ago. Since we have a child together, and "I didn't want to kick a n**" while he's down", I had just accepted that I could deal with and that one day he'll get himself together. Needless to say, he never really did. Last year, I found out that he had fathered a child with his ex and his hid it from me for years!! Even when I found out the truth, he still lied, but guess what, I decided to take him back, SMDH. In April of last year, he proclaimed that he had an "epiphany" and was going to do what he needed to do to marry me. Two months later, he had a brain aneurysm. I let him back in my house to recover. He became disconnected from me and his daughter during his recovery, even more so after I told him that he needed to get himself together and find a new place to live since his doctors had cleared him to work again. He ended up moving in with his brother, then a couple of months later, he moved in with his new girlfriend, without having a job, car, or bank account, but he did have his EBT card. I was devastated because I found this out on FB, he didn't even have the balls to tell me. He still had a key to my house! Honestly, I do miss the warm body next to me, but I don't miss having to be his provider. It's the new girlfriend's turn. I truly believe his aneurysm, was MY final wake up call from the TMH. As time goes on I am reminded that things happen for a reason.

Tee

11/22/2020 08:13:02 pm

Thank you to everyone that's shared their tower moments. Mine relates to relationships (romantic, friendships, family, professional). Time and time again, I give my all to these relationships. I try to help others accomplish their goals. If I know something, I'm more than willing to share it. I believe we can all make it. Yet, when I was in a place where I needed help, I got the third degree. All of a sudden, I had to tell them my life plan before they would help. Or they would help but I knew they were frustrated because they needed to help me.

In romantic relationships, I never feel like I can be totally free. I can never openly share the trauma I've gone through because as soon as I let my guard down and expect them to have my back, "I'm too needy" or "I'm not the girl they fell for". Where's my shoulder to cry on? I've learned to keep it all inside. Never feeling seen or understood.

I've sacrificed being an expert in my career field because I'm always willing to do whatever job needs to be done. So while I have plenty of skills, I'm not an expert in anything and jobs don't want to pay my worth. Now all the people I've helped grow are telling me "They'll let me know if something is available."

In all these scenarios, the people stay in contact with me. They know they can call me for help. They know that if I don't know it, I'll find out. It's not like these are people that are trying to distance themselves from me. Frustrating.

I've hit a point where I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being concerned with everyone else. I'm tired of being the responsible one. I'm tired of my value being associated with what I can do for others instead of it just being about me. I'm just tired of waiting for someone to return the energy I've been giving out all these years. I'm tired of crying and wondering when I can finally exhale. I'm just going to exhale and let everyone else figure live out on their own.

Lia

11/22/2020 11:05:33 pm

This is me, waking up in the middle of the night, fucking furious at my sister for going down the a MAGA, anti mask, racist Q anon asshole. I am furious at myself for not calling her out earlier. I knew the relationship wouldn’t survive me speaking my mind and I let it go on too long because I was lonely for a sister. As soon as I called her out she spewed a bunch of problematic shit and personal insults and then blocked me. We have fallen in and out for years and I always think it will be different and she won’t end up calling me a dumb bitch. I wonder sometimes if under different circumstances I would be dumb enough to try again, but her support of the alt right is a dealbreaker.

Cadillac

11/23/2020 04:30:30 am

Since the pandemic hit, so many old lovers have been reaching out. Most of my lovers are toxic because they don’t respect boundaries or don’t have boundaries themselves. One particular lover who I told years ago not to reach out to me, did. He added me under a new FB name & even called me on my phone & left a voice message. I blocked him on both & seemed out therapy.

In therapy my sex therapist was trying to get you the root of what attracted me to him. He was cute & a spiritualist. There were a few flags: 1. He didn’t have a job, didn’t have his own car, was broke & asked to borrow money, coerced me into sex, would come to my home unannounced without calling, used me for my sexual and spiritual energy, etc I let him in because I was lonely, horny, wanted/needed sex, had self esteem issues. My therapist showed me that not only was he crossing my boundaries, but I was crossing my own, too! I was finally over him when he fucked a friend of mine. By then, I was truly done. He keeps reaching out (called me at my work) & I keep ignoring, blocking. Any response to him is a “yes” to him. But I’m grateful my self worth is higher now. I’m grateful my self esteem has improved. I know my worth and boundaries and honor myself. Became celibate for awhile and continued therapy. I regained my power.

11/23/2020 08:17:48 am

Hope is the shadow side of despair.

That is the piece that speaks to me most. My 9 of swords moments are the moments I try to use hope as a way to run from the hurt and despair. It's been keeping me in this loop of mental and emotional torture. It keeps me hiding how much I'm hurting, giving a brave face in the daylight, robbing me of rest and peace at night. I punish myself at night. I berate and belittle myself or get caught in these spirals of mental self-harm. I'm tired. My heart hurts. My ego hurts. My feelings hurt. My body hurts. But I keep getting stuck in this round and round where I don't want to be fully in the despair because I don't want to inconvenience others or give them reasons to worry about me.

11/23/2020 11:39:15 am

My 9 of swords moment has been walking away from a community that I loved. Looking back now I know the relationships were built on sand, not a solid foundation. I cried alot but it was the fire that I needed to uncover my eyes, to see beyond the veil. I also see this card as an acknowledgement of the hard times, but also a ladder. Once you open your eyes, and are able to see, you can climb those swords as a ladder to the next steps. Ascension.

Kelsey

11/23/2020 02:18:51 pm

This card and the stories about exes definitely has me flash back to times with exes (and even times in the past with my current partner as well). Though, I think the part of my life that wants attention right now in regards to the 9 of Swords card is my "divorce" from my dance community. Just over 10 years ago now, I fell in love with a dance-form and quickly, the community surrounding it. I thought I had found my people. I was in the studio taking classes multiple times a week and really loving life. Red flags started to show up for me as I started to form friendships with the other dancers and teachers, and was getting a sense of what the "politics" of the community was. There was gossiping, manipulation, and lots of people leading with their egos, rather than being honest or coming from a place of love or genuine care for others. It was all about how to get ahead--how to get to the top and have a sense of power/control. But I was invested. I was in love. I'd put a lot of time and money into this dance community and the art-form, and it's what I thought I was meant to do with my life. So, I ignored some of the red flags about the dynamics within the community, and I even thought that if I were on a path to becoming a teacher/leader in the community, then I'd be able to make a difference!

9 years into it, I'd come to find out that 1 or 2 of my peers who had ascended through the ranks didn't want to see me succeed and get to where they were, and were actively making sure that I wouldn't. I finally realized that it was no longer my path, for this and many other reasons. So much of the brand surrounding this dance community, as well as the behaviors and dispositions of the leaders in the community, do not align with my values. As much as it has been heartbreaking for me to leave that community, I know that it couldn't have gone any differently for me. There was no more room for growth for me there. I still grieve leaving behind the dance-form and my body misses it so, but moving on has allowed me to get to know myself deeper. I'm just now starting to feel less lost, and finally coming out of the despair, but it has taken years.

Gloria

11/23/2020 03:12:30 pm

My mother died when I was 18. I went to live with an older cousin who only let me live with her because she was able to steal as much from me as she could. Being treated like a live in babysitter for her undisciplined grandchildren, I wasn't allowed to wash clothes in her washing machine, barely allowed to cook. I met a man who was a nice guy, had a job, his own place. Red flags I ignored; didn't bring home much money because most of it went to child support for his children, couldn't live on his own for long periods, was neglectful of me and my feelings and abusive. We got engaged. There was always constant drama with him and his ex-wife and family. I stayed because I wanted to be away from my family. After about 4 years of him and his foolishness, I was finally able to walk away for good. I was tired of thinking about what others would think of me. I was done and I have not looked back. Found out a couple years later that he fathered a child while we were together.

Ericka

11/23/2020 05:59:40 pm

The Nine of Swords! Wheeeew, I just closed out an ongoing cycle with this man I met in August of last year. He appeared to be so right for me, the energy meshed so well together. We clicked instantly but the 1st red flag was him mentioning that he was engaged to someone he had recently l decided not to go through with a marriage with for a list of reasons. I didn’t think twice about it then, I just figured I would enjoy his company for the moment and be an ear while he figured out what he wanted to do. We talked for a few weeks, before he ended up leaving town for a job. We continued to talk daily for 4 months. The second red flag was when he pretended to be another guy that mistakenly text my phone to try and see I guess how much I liked him. He would do things, but always come back and be honest about them later. By December when he was due to come back in town, is when I was told that during his time away he and the ex fiancé decided to go through with marriage, but he told me initially that she was pregnant and they were gonna work things out. Which he later revealed she never was actually pregnant, it was easier to tell me that according to him. I was hurt by that particular revelation because after 4month of talking to him I really liked him, and thought when he came back in town we would talk about where our connection could go, but no! It was a huge Tower Moment instead. I backed off when he got married, but he still called me telling me all the things that were wrong. I’d give advice, he would tell me he would just leave me alone until he separated but this was an ongoing cycle. I kept enabling the situation by being available to him whenever he called and never really holding him accountable for anything because I felt I could understand why everything happened as it did. This cycle started and stopped for a year! I eventually recognized the whole fiasco was a test to my self worth the last time he reached out last week. He told me the wife was okay with him having female friends but he couldn’t talk to me. He tells me, he would rather be friends with me than be married. I finally told him I didn’t see us being anything in the future, we could only be friends, because I just was noticing this narcissistic side of him(I didn’t tell him that part). Few hours later he texts that he wants to work on his marriage and it would be best if we didn’t even try to be friends and that I didn’t have to respond. Girrrrl, it was in that moment I knew I made the right choice and that test was done! He was always the one reaching out to ME trying the be friends, the irony.🙄 The dang wife and some other girl had done found my information and sent me emails too for my side of things because they knew how he felt about me, it was a mess. Nothing I can do with a man still battling his shadows, no matter how much potential I see.

Danielle Galvez

11/23/2020 06:58:43 pm

My 9 of swords is me getting in my own way of receiving love, abundance, and partnership. I keep circling back to old memories that have not fully processed, and it causes me anxiety. It causes me to worry and make up stories in my head of "what if that happens just like it did before, just like it did for so & so." And although the fear is valid, it really doesn't help me. Sure, it allows me to be cautious and voice my fears. However, it does not help me being untrusting of a partner or a worthy situation. Hope that makes sense. I'm scared of getting cheated on and it takes me away from being fully myself and feeling joy and love. My 9 of swords reminds me to let go of these old habits and patterns. To stop feeling anxious about something that has not happened in this time. It's a reminder that those things that happened in the past is not happening now. It's time to shed this skin and exfoliate into who it is i am becomming.

11/24/2020 01:00:51 am

Thank you for this space & thank you everyone for your vulnerability.
For me, the work I do has been the uncomfortable bed I've lied in for far too long. While it seems glamorous & pays well, it is not satisfying & causes me so much stress. In the five years I've spent building my career to the place it is now, there have been many moments of literally feeling abused by it, taken advantage of, used, & worn out. I've had moments where I'm leaving work at 11pm on a Saturday night & I made a voice note reminder on my phone to myself that I would never do that again. But I have.
I keep going back because the money is good, the title has some sense of clout, & some aspects of it suit my lifestyle. But if I'm being truly honest with myself, I go back because I haven't believed I could do any better. I've been attached to the idea that this is just the way life is & has to be if you want to be provided for.
It's interesting because I pulled a card for myself the last time I did a reading reminding me that I always have choice & I am supported no matter what I choose- whether it's a long, hard journey through this career path or a step towards the wild unknown.
I desire freedom so much, but I often chain myself. I am currently unlearning so much about my relationship to work, worthiness, masculine energy (working hard/hustling), & low self worth. I'm grateful to now see that I truly have choice, but letting go of that money is like breaking an addiction

Mysti

11/24/2020 10:07:41 pm

So thankful for this blessing! You, Oubria are amazing! Such wisdom from one so young!

My 9 of Swords moment was when I was 13 and a sophomore in high school. I had a romantic dream of being the beautiful virgin who married Prince Charming and lived happily ever after. In reality, I was horny teen struggling with my overactive libido that later I learned was handed down to me by as my mommy always said “oversexed” daddy. I was a consummate flirt and like Samson one day I got caught weak(my jealous “bestie” slipped me a mickey and the guy didn’t know he was raping me cause he knew how strong I was) Back then there was no such thing as “date-rape” I remember feeling dirty and sinful. I wandered the streets in a daze. The boy found me and apologized saying he didn’t know I was a virgin! My sister found out and couldn’t wait to tell Mommy cause she was already sexually active. My mom didn’t even ask me what happened she just started slapping me in the face saying I was her last hope. At school the boy I dated all summer (who had a girlfriend slapped me in the face and told me he was supposed to be the first one. I guess he was embarrassed cause he’d lied to his friend and told them he’d had me.?I didn’t realize I had PTSD from the incident until recently. I kept playing with fire until I finally got burned...to a crisp!

Faunta Luckett

11/25/2020 09:05:37 pm

Those flags as they flop around in the wind as God yells at you to wake up and open your eyes! I didn't want to be single anymore. I was over thirty, two of my best friends were getting married, most had already started families and here I was single and no glimpse of a man/serious relationship on the horizon. And then my bestie's older brother, seemingly innocent, asked if I was hungry. I always am and that dinner began the next 3 years of my life. He held doors. He paid for meals without complaint. He was smart. He had a career. He could cook. And because I'd basically grew up with his family, I thought I knew and could understand the devil within.

I often saw the demons dancing in his eyes when they had a particular glimmer or his conversation turned dark. I noticed how he slowly began to order my meals for me. I picked up on how he would inquire about my male friends or even commented on how he disagreed with long held beliefs of friends/family about me, life and etc. I was just so excited that he wanted to be with me too! Dating has been a long, confusing and lonely road and it was like he was perfect. I already knew the family and what my kids would look like (he had four children that he couldn't deny). He also was open to more children.

It wasn't until I quit my job and because of circumstances, allowed him to live with me, that I began to really feel the darkness that surrounded him. I didn't really see my friends or speak to family much. My usually social and carefree personality anchored myself to our apartment (plus I was broke. I paid for everything out of my savings. He offered no help for the house bills). I cooked for him and cleaned after him. I fought family for him. I made myself smaller for him because I wanted him to stay. I didn't want to be alone, unmarried, and have no family. I told myself that all couples are imperfect and I just have to try harder, love more, be more agreeable and things would get better.

After two months, I was offered my dream job! I'd been stuck in the house and this was an opportunity to fly! I was super excited. He tried to talk me out of going to training because he'd gotten used to me being home. He started fights with me over a conversation I'd had with his friend in front of him. I was too flirty. I didn't run an errand for him when HE needed it done. He couldn't figure out how I could be so stupid, when I was so smart. I stayed because he was a hurt little boy who needed to know he deserved love too.

I took the job. The day I returned from training he started a fight (yall I was still waiting for him at the airport) before noon. He took me to a nice dinner that night and broke up with me. Usually this is where the story ends but this was just the beginning. He was just getting started.

I wont drag this out too much longer. When he broke up, he didn't move back to his house. He stayed with me and began dating. When I discovered what he was doing, I asked him to leave. He removed his things from my apartment but he moved them downstairs to a vacant apartment. He brought his friends there. He would come into my apartment while I was away at work. It got to the point where I had to put the latch on my door to keep him out because he felt he could come into my space at anytime. He tried so hard to assert his dominance over me. He tried to control my life and my experiences even though he'd broken it off. At this point my pride made me stay. I wasn't going to let him run me out of my space (which I loved). Finally, I wised up. Not only did I have to take a good look at myself in the mirror and search for the reasons I allowed myself to get to this place. I also had to ask myself why I was subjected myself to this torture? Did I really want to run into his new, pregnant girlfriend in the mornings? How strong did I want to seem?

There were clear signs that I overlooked on purpose because I THOUGHT he fit the bill and was it. I chose to enter into a relationship and God was tryna tell me something. I put on my earbuds and listened to all of Beyonce's love songs so I could see myself in the videos. I wasn't trying to listen. He had to bop me upside my head. And I'm thankful, so thankful, that I finally listened and opened my eyes. I look at where I am today and I know for certain I wouldn't have accomplished a third of the things I have if I'd stayed with him. I couldn't lay in my bed (that he shared with others) any longer. I got out, moved on and SOARED!!!

12/6/2020 03:19:06 am

9S was very literal for me in the month of November. I had six migraines that lasted three days each, which is abnormal for me. Usually the only time I get a six day one is during my menstrual cycle. And other migraines tend to be shorter. I was even vomiting at one point unable to take any meds. Because of covid I just put up with the pain instead of seeing the doc.

Thinking about it as made up of the Tower and the Lovers? Yeah. That tracks too. I had a faith crisis that turned into a faith expansion that led me to keep the good stuff and ditch the bad stuff. However, people I love are still in it, and worse were Trump supporters, and I had difficulty reconciling that. Even in the metaphysical community so many people supported him thinking he's a lightworker come to save us all, and I am just quite simply gobsmacked.

And, and, I discovered that my paternal parent was cheating on my step mother and that blows everything out of the water, all the safety nets of changes he had made, and now, I AM the tower. I will be the Tower in his life. I will be the Tower in my family of origin's life, because I am now (due to law changes) able to press charges for sexual abuse.

And that's a trip. I had to be okay with being the one bringing in the Tower energy.
With the Lord, and my Heavenly Mother, and Heavenly Father and other Divine Kin, I know it will all be okay, and that it's the right thing to do.

But yes, these were literally the things that wrecked my health and sleep and caused me to be harrowed up with migraines for the majority of November. The battle relief on the bed was real.

Belinda

12/19/2020 06:11:54 pm

"Lie in it." -- that double meaning has been the story of my life for the last 12 years. My swords showed up each time I relived I didn't want to lie in my bed and made some excuse to stay.

The first occurrence was when I decided to move out of my parents home after enduring emotional, physical, and sexual abuse for 19 years, but then feeling guilt, I would visit often, and take my younger siblings out to ease the pain I felt for leaving them to have to fend for themselves with my crazed parents. Later, I realized that I thought very highly of myself as the oldest and parentified sibling; I really believed that I could protect my siblings from my parents. But choosing myself over everyone felt foreign to me and so I punished myself by feeling shame about it. By still being connected to my family, even if I wasn't living with them, meant that I was complying by proxy. So when I threw a fundraiser party for my lil sister to help her fund her tuition at UC Santa Cruz, I thought I was doing a noble thing. But when she showed up to my door step, crying, and wanting me to give her her scholarship funds because our father wanted it (yes, you read write), I tried to reason with her, not realizing that she felt helpless just like I did even though I no longer lived there, the emotional know was still tied. I unwillingly gave her the money, and told myself that if I stayed more connected then my siblings would see that they needed to escape as well. So I organized meetings with all my siblings to vie support for holding an intervention. This was just my scared way of confronting my parents with back-up. I don't why I thought this could happen but I talked myself into it and tried to convince my siblings of the same. The agreed with me but weren't willing to confront our parents. It was as if they knew something that I could not see. I let my haughtiness interpret this as me being willing to take the leap and they being complacent. Even after my mom hit my dad in the head with a bat to stop him from shooting himself, I still went to the hospital to see my pops, even though every nerve in my body was telling me not to. But when one of my younger siblings came forward about being sexually abused by our father, and CPS came to remove the rest of the kids out of the house, and my mama called asking me to hide my siblings, it was then that I knew I had no control over no one but my damn self, and that the drama would ensue regardless of my role. So, instead of taking the new found insight and really focusing on my healing, I wallowed in self-pity about how my life had been a lie, how I didn't protect my siblings, how I was angry about my parents being addicts, even though I was living the life that I chose, I wallowed and became lonely after my parents disowned me for supporting my sexually abused sister. I took this rejection into a depression, and used my loneliness to start dating a homeless woman because I was so desperate for some kind of affection from someone who supposedly would love me. Yet, this woman was as toxic as my parents, and instead of feeling love, I felt beat down by her words. I felt so low that I took her verbal abuse just to have her connection and perform this idea of having a romantic partner. Even when she got convicted for aggravated assault, I still visited her in jail, while preparing to leave for New York to finally complete my personal goal of getting my college degree at 30 years of age. I even wrote her while in New York, even though she did not deserve my presence for how poorly she treated me. But our interactions felt so familiar. They felt like home. When we finally stopped communicating, I threw myself into my new life, alone, in college. But this loneliness crept up again, and I thought I need romantic connection. I now know that this loneliness is actually desperation -- something I didn't know back then. I would have never called myself desperate. But everything I had done up until that point WAS out of desperation. I was so desperate, that I got into a relationship with another masculine-identified woman who was known for being quiet and very closed off to people. Instead of seeing that as a sign to run, I saw it as a sign to run to. When they hit me up, I felt honored. When they told me that they wanted to do what I was do, I felt inspired. Like I was needed and could help them grow. But within the first year of our long-distance relationship, there were hella signs that I should run for the hills. Like her self deprecating self-talk, her lack of follow-through, her ability to project her issues on to me, her hyper-criticism, her lack of affection. It was like I was triggered and crying all the time when with her, but I let her create a narrative about me that it was just my being triggered and that if I had healed from my trauma and was actively in therapy then I would feel like shit when she actually treated me like shit. I would feel less like shit. Or make an excuse about wh

40 days
of shadow work