of shadow work
facing the darkness /
to live in the light
to live in the light
It appears I am a couple of days behind & I appreciate your understanding. I don't know why falling behind makes me so nervous like somebody gon' email or text me like BIHHHH WHERE IS TODAY'S POST?! The people in my head are kind of mean. But anyway-
Today we are discussing the Two of Cups aka Venus in Cancer. This is another one of those cards that stumped me until I realized the picture was intentionally misleading. Once I finally understood that I wasn't meant to understand, it made perfect sense. I'll explain what I mean but first, the parents-
The Two of Cups is the childish combination of Venus (the Empress) & the Chariot (Cancer). Venus (the Empress) has to do with self-expression, fertility, birth & divine motherhood. The Chariot (Cancer) has to do with a person's fundamental inner mysteries & emotional blockages either keep them stuck or force them forward. Astrologically speaking, The Chariot (Cancer) rules the 4th house, which is our original, childhood home. When we put these energies together, we see the Two of Cups represents the ways we publicly express our emotional blockages (which we may or may not even see or understand, since these behaviors likely originated at home before we were even aware of ourselves.) A cursory glance at the Two of Cups shows us we likely express these blockages & mysteries in our most personal, romantic relationships.
Let's look deeper:
We have a couple, yes? They are each holding a cup, which we assume to be love. She's passing her cup to him, & he's accepting it...sort of (let's talk about that later)... but he's most definitely keeping his cup to himself (I've got a lot going on right now). So now that makes me wonder- is that love in the cup?? Because love is to be shared but this is sort of... transactional. If we pretend this is a moving picture & not still, it would seem they are passing the one (pass one / poison) cup back & forth. Which explains why the Hermes (Her or me??) medical symbol is intertwined between them because if you've ingested poison you're going to need a doctor on the scene. You'd have to admit the illness though, which according to the picture, these two ain't 'bout to do. There's a huge lion head with wings to affirm the fact (lion both wings / lying 'bout things/ both lying). Lying doesn't have to be verbal either, it can be hidden in your actions.
For instance, see how he looks at her! So freaking intense, like she's the only woman on earth. He's wearing a red poppy laurel (real pop-u-lar), so he could have any girl he wants. But he wants her. Or does he? She's certainly giving up the cup (giving it uppppp) but is he taking it or nawl? Is he reaching for it or pushing it away? Hard to say. & Look at his feet too; one minute he moves toward her (close feet), but the next minute he wants to take a step back (cold feet). And what about his outfit? Will it forever be cheetah-on-white (cheat on a wife)?
& Does she know about the wife?? You kind of feel bad for her because she's so modest, so pure, so innocently in love. Or is she...? She seems really shy- won't even look him in the eye- but at the same time, she seems really determined to give up that cup. If he takes her cup & doesn't pass his over, she'll have no self-cup (no self love) but she doesn't care. She doesn't need a self-cup as long as her feets naked under hem (feels naked under him). But is that boring (roar/wing) to him or nawl? There's no mystery, you know? He's seen her dress under her dress (seen her undressed). He knows she wants him to see it again too, which is why the dress has pleats (pleads / pleas). No strings attached though, she's the cool chick. She wants-give- chalice (won't get jealous). Yet its plain as day that she's crowned green-with-ivy (green with envy).
On & on, they switch cups with each other (switch up on each other) & neither can figure the other out. How can she claim to be modest when she's begging to fuck? How can he be so infatuated when he's backing away?
The answer to their inconsistency isn't found in the foreground though; they each have to look back further than that. Whatever happened to make them this way, happened long ago. See the little home behind the hill, nestled between them? The half end of home (it happened at home)? Big bush in the back (but pushed it back)?
If they take a cue from her under-dressed outfit, they'll have to look inside (look from the side) to figure it out (her figure is out).
I hate this card I hate this card I hate this card, but let's get on with it.
Shadow: Going on & on in circles with a inconsistent muhfuka instead of
Light: Digging deep into your childhood trauma to figure out why fuckshit feels like love
Here's my Two of Cups Story:
First of all, all my love stories are Two of Cups stories. From the time I knew what sex was until I got my first real high school boyfriend, I was super modest & determined to be a virgin until marriage. But as soon as my hormones kicked in... whew child. In fact when I was sixteen I begged my boyfriend to take my virginity bc he'd told me he loved me for the first time & I pressured him to fuck me in the backseat of my car in the parking lot behind school minutes before our 1st class. I was on the last day of my period too, that's how much I couldn't wait. But then for the first two or three years that I was sexually active, I cried almost every time after. But I always, always, always initiated. Typically I am the girl who either fucks on the first date, or within the first week, or the girl who thinks I'm in love as soon as I have sex even if I'm not. Even if I know I'm not, it feels like I am. Typing this, I wonder if I've ever really been in love (I don't think so...) I am also the girl /woman who dresses very provocatively but doesn't want to be sexualized. Also every dude I've been with has had some level of sexual childhood trauma, whether it was molestation, rape, incest, or just being exposed to too much, too early. I remember talking to one of my exes & he said sex with his new girlfriend was weird because you can just tell there's trauma there that she won't deal with. But at the same time, there's trauma there that he won't deal with. (But we don't talk about that)
Warning: Trigger: Sexual Abuse:
I've had this memory all my life that I've always pushed down because it made me feel guilty & gross, & it wasn't until about four years ago that I really looked at it. I remember being very, very, very young, maybe two or three, & I was licking someone's vagina. I don't know who. I remember that this person did it to me sometimes but mostly I did it to them. I remember that when I did it, it made this person happy, & I wanted to make this person happy. I specifically remember wanting there to be an even exchange but this person wanted me to do it to them more than they wanted to do it to me. I remember one day I went to do it & this person pushed me away & they didn't want me to do that to them anymore & I felt like I'd done something wrong. I don't know who. I can't see their face, all I can see is that I'm under the covers & their head is above the covers. Maybe its grace & mercy that I can't see who it is, because when I think about who it could be... I don't want to think about that.
I have two sisters, one is nine years older than me & the other is 11 months younger than me. Whenever I used to have this memory, my mind always says 'sister,' even though I couldn't see the face. I always, always thought it was my younger sister. I still cannot imagine otherwise. A few years ago I was on the phone with my younger sister (who incidentally is a double-board certified adult & child psychiatrist) & somehow I wound up apologizing for molesting her. She was like whattt??!! I told her my memory. Now, when we were younger, my sister & I did make out a few times (to practice for boyfriends) & she remembered that but she was like, that was pretty tame & I feel no way about it. But wtf are YOU talking about? I explained my memory & she helped me break it down from a doctor's perspective. She said, even if you did that to me (& you did not bc I would remember), who would have taught it to you? Where would you have gotten that behavior from?? And then she said, let's talk logistics- if you were two or three, that would have made me one or two. Did you have to take my diaper off? & put it back on??? And that's when I realized that I wasn't the dirty, gross, sister-molester I'd always believed I was, but that I'd been fucked with.
When a person is mis-handled (dys-functioned) before they are self aware, they won't understand what's wrong with them, but to observers it's obvious af.
(I still don't know who)
Share your Two of Cups if you like.
(I hate this card.)
all of us.