day 27: two of cups (sick)

12/5/2020

Peace Family!

It appears I am a couple of days behind & I appreciate your understanding. I don't know why falling behind makes me so nervous like somebody gon' email or text me like BIHHHH WHERE IS TODAY'S POST?! The people in my head are kind of mean. But anyway-

Today we are discussing the Two of Cups aka Venus in Cancer. This is another one of those cards that stumped me until I realized the picture was intentionally misleading. Once I finally understood that I wasn't meant to understand, it made perfect sense. I'll explain what I mean but first, the parents-

The Two of Cups is the childish combination of Venus (the Empress) & the Chariot (Cancer). Venus (the Empress) has to do with self-expression, fertility, birth & divine motherhood. The Chariot (Cancer) has to do with a person's fundamental inner mysteries & emotional blockages either keep them stuck or force them forward. Astrologically speaking, The Chariot (Cancer) rules the 4th house, which is our original, childhood home. When we put these energies together, we see the Two of Cups represents the ways we publicly express our emotional blockages (which we may or may not even see or understand, since these behaviors likely originated at home before we were even aware of ourselves.) A cursory glance at the Two of Cups shows us we likely express these blockages & mysteries in our most personal, romantic relationships.

Let's look deeper:

We have a couple, yes? They are each holding a cup, which we assume to be love. She's passing her cup to him, & he's accepting it...sort of (let's talk about that later)... but he's most definitely keeping his cup to himself (I've got a lot going on right now). So now that makes me wonder- is that love in the cup?? Because love is to be shared but this is sort of... transactional. If we pretend this is a moving picture & not still, it would seem they are passing the one (pass one / poison) cup back & forth. Which explains why the Hermes (Her or me??) medical symbol is intertwined between them because if you've ingested poison you're going to need a doctor on the scene. You'd have to admit the illness though, which according to the picture, these two ain't 'bout to do. There's a huge lion head with wings to affirm the fact (lion both wings / lying 'bout things/ both lying). Lying doesn't have to be verbal either, it can be hidden in your actions.

For instance, see how he looks at her! So freaking intense, like she's the only woman on earth. He's wearing a red poppy laurel (real pop-u-lar), so he could have any girl he wants. But he wants her. Or does he? She's certainly giving up the cup (giving it uppppp) but is he taking it or nawl? Is he reaching for it or pushing it away? Hard to say. & Look at his feet too; one minute he moves toward her (close feet), but the next minute he wants to take a step back (cold feet). And what about his outfit? Will it forever be cheetah-on-white (cheat on a wife)?

& Does she know about the wife?? You kind of feel bad for her because she's so modest, so pure, so innocently in love. Or is she...? She seems really shy- won't even look him in the eye- but at the same time, she seems really determined to give up that cup. If he takes her cup & doesn't pass his over, she'll have no self-cup (no self love) but she doesn't care. She doesn't need a self-cup as long as her feets naked under hem (feels naked under him). But is that boring (roar/wing) to him or nawl? There's no mystery, you know? He's seen her dress under her dress (seen her undressed). He knows she wants him to see it again too, which is why the dress has pleats (pleads / pleas). No strings attached though, she's the cool chick. She wants-give- chalice (won't get jealous). Yet its plain as day that she's crowned green-with-ivy (green with envy).

On & on, they switch cups with each other (switch up on each other) & neither can figure the other out. How can she claim to be modest when she's begging to fuck? How can he be so infatuated when he's backing away?

The answer to their inconsistency isn't found in the foreground though; they each have to look back further than that. Whatever happened to make them this way, happened long ago. See the little home behind the hill, nestled between them? The half end of home (it happened at home)? Big bush in the back (but pushed it back)?

If they take a cue from her under-dressed outfit, they'll have to look inside (look from the side) to figure it out (her figure is out).

I hate this card I hate this card I hate this card, but let's get on with it.

Shadow: Going on & on in circles with a inconsistent muhfuka instead of
Light: Digging deep into your childhood trauma to figure out why fuckshit feels like love

Here's my Two of Cups Story:

First of all, all my love stories are Two of Cups stories. From the time I knew what sex was until I got my first real high school boyfriend, I was super modest & determined to be a virgin until marriage. But as soon as my hormones kicked in... whew child. In fact when I was sixteen I begged my boyfriend to take my virginity bc he'd told me he loved me for the first time & I pressured him to fuck me in the backseat of my car in the parking lot behind school minutes before our 1st class. I was on the last day of my period too, that's how much I couldn't wait. But then for the first two or three years that I was sexually active, I cried almost every time after. But I always, always, always initiated. Typically I am the girl who either fucks on the first date, or within the first week, or the girl who thinks I'm in love as soon as I have sex even if I'm not. Even if I know I'm not, it feels like I am. Typing this, I wonder if I've ever really been in love (I don't think so...) I am also the girl /woman who dresses very provocatively but doesn't want to be sexualized. Also every dude I've been with has had some level of sexual childhood trauma, whether it was molestation, rape, incest, or just being exposed to too much, too early. I remember talking to one of my exes & he said sex with his new girlfriend was weird because you can just tell there's trauma there that she won't deal with. But at the same time, there's trauma there that he won't deal with. (But we don't talk about that)

Warning: Trigger: Sexual Abuse:

I've had this memory all my life that I've always pushed down because it made me feel guilty & gross, & it wasn't until about four years ago that I really looked at it. I remember being very, very, very young, maybe two or three, & I was licking someone's vagina. I don't know who. I remember that this person did it to me sometimes but mostly I did it to them. I remember that when I did it, it made this person happy, & I wanted to make this person happy. I specifically remember wanting there to be an even exchange but this person wanted me to do it to them more than they wanted to do it to me. I remember one day I went to do it & this person pushed me away & they didn't want me to do that to them anymore & I felt like I'd done something wrong. I don't know who. I can't see their face, all I can see is that I'm under the covers & their head is above the covers. Maybe its grace & mercy that I can't see who it is, because when I think about who it could be... I don't want to think about that.

I have two sisters, one is nine years older than me & the other is 11 months younger than me. Whenever I used to have this memory, my mind always says 'sister,' even though I couldn't see the face. I always, always thought it was my younger sister. I still cannot imagine otherwise. A few years ago I was on the phone with my younger sister (who incidentally is a double-board certified adult & child psychiatrist) & somehow I wound up apologizing for molesting her. She was like whattt??!! I told her my memory. Now, when we were younger, my sister & I did make out a few times (to practice for boyfriends) & she remembered that but she was like, that was pretty tame & I feel no way about it. But wtf are YOU talking about? I explained my memory & she helped me break it down from a doctor's perspective. She said, even if you did that to me (& you did not bc I would remember), who would have taught it to you? Where would you have gotten that behavior from?? And then she said, let's talk logistics- if you were two or three, that would have made me one or two. Did you have to take my diaper off? & put it back on??? And that's when I realized that I wasn't the dirty, gross, sister-molester I'd always believed I was, but that I'd been fucked with.

When a person is mis-handled (dys-functioned) before they are self aware, they won't understand what's wrong with them, but to observers it's obvious af.

(I still don't know who)

Share your Two of Cups if you like.

(I hate this card.)

14 Comments

Author

all of us.

disclaimer:
this is a magical space. magic is, by nature mischievous. with that being said, you should know that sometimes these pictures move & switch themselves for no apparent reason. i try to go back & put them in their rightful place as soon as possible but i don't always catch them in time. if you are reading a post & the pics don't match, don't fret.
the words won't move.
keep on reading.

Cheryl

12/7/2020 11:24:02 pm

Being fat also meant being voluptuous and young simultaneously. I remember more than once being inappropriately touched by men/”friends & family” and subjected to strangers exposing themselves or grabbing me. I realized that being female was a high price to pay. As I grew up I thought that sex was a road to commitment and intimacy. Wrong! Losing weight/gaining weight/losing weight only made it all more confusing, as losing weight got me a lot of attention, not always sincere either. So weight, sex, identity and desire-ability were a tangled mess for me for a long time. While I would love to be in love, I can now have sex for exercise if I want to and not get it twisted. Co-Star Astrology sent me a note today that said “Love & Great Sex are not Mutually Exclusive.” Still waiting.

LMP

12/8/2020 10:13:30 am

I am certainly committed to this shadow work because my inner adult brought my inner child kicking and screaming to this post. I see so many parallels in my story with yours, Oubria. Like you, I have a weird, confusing, ambiguous memory. Like you, I became extremely sexual and forward once I hit puberty. Like you, I often made the first move.

I feel like I should add that I truly do enjoy sex and that this was part of it. Giving it away too soon was a *complicated* cocktail of being horny and making poor choices out of a lack of self-respect.

I don't like to think back on me as a young girl, being desperate, being shamed for my sexuality, being used for it.

I *tried* to lose my virginity in a very sketchy situation: drunk in middle school with boys who snuck into my house; my friend was on the floor with one boy and I was on the bed with another. I tried to initiate intercourse but he stopped me. Then he found out I had made out with another guy the same night before he came over and promptly dumped me. I felt really ashamed that I would have given my virginity to that loser, I felt ashamed about making out with two boys in one night, and I felt ashamed that he didn't want to have sex with me. It turns out I dodged a bullet because I still know of this guy and he's a complete tool. I would not have wanted that to be the way I lost my virginity.

I read back over some of the earlier posts here and was struck by how many identify as a people pleaser. I have always wanted people to like me. I think there might be a small difference, or maybe it's the same thing. People pleasing was a way to be liked. Being liked was a balm to the shame and voice in my head that I was not good enough.

It is, like I said, hard to look at my horny, lonely, neglected, daddy-issues-having younger self. But we are here to do the work! I need to love that poor girl, take her in my proverbial arms and hug her like I would my own daughter.

Val

12/8/2020 07:35:27 pm

I've had big boobs (pause: where did that word come from and how did it get associated with breasts? And why did I use it so easily? I just looked up "boob" and got this--"a foolish or stupid person", "an embarrassing mistake." wow.) So let me start again--I've had big breasts since I was a little girl. I remember when my aunt made me put an undershirt on under my tee shirt one hot summer day (in NEW YORK for gahd's sake) and I protested really loudly that I would be too hot. She didn't make my sister or my cousin (we were all close in age) wear an undershirt and I just couldn't understand.

My aunt told me I was "bigger on top" than my sister and my cousin. She told me I was "starting to show" and "boys might start looking at you." The point was to "hide" what might "show" so that the boys...what? So they wouldn't laugh? make jokes? tease? touch? What!? Essentially I was being told that I had to cover myself up so others (boys, men) would not be uncomfortable. "You're getting to be a big girl now" she said, "and you have to be decent."

I can't even begin to address the many ways this is some effed up stuff. My aunt was so gentle and kind as she told me this and I loved her with all my heart, but she messed me up. I guess I began to see my chest (I couldn't bring myself to say breasts I was so young) as "boobs" indeed: an embarrassing mistake--and myself as a foolish person for having them. Before I could even understand my body, I was ashamed of it. I had to overdress to hide from the eyes of grown men who had no shame in eyeing little girls and letting them know how "grown you gettin' to be girl!"

Throughout my teen years my arms were constantly folded across my chest, trying to hide my breasts. My bras are always super tight, even today, in an attempt (usually unsuccessful) to restrain their natural bounce. And for what?

I don't know if here is the appropriate place for this story, but it was what immediately came to mind when I think about being sexualized so early and how it can impact the rest of your life; and how closely sex and shame are related. Sometimes it happens traumatically--and sometimes so innocently. After all, my aunt just told me to put on an undershirt, right?

12/9/2020 04:49:30 am

I was sick of (or I thought I was sick of) carrying the burden (it felt that way @ the time) of not having had sexual intercourse (because I believe virginity is a social construct that was created by Patriarchy to demonize girls & women). I was 22 or 23. Hanging out at the Mall. Met guy I was physically attracted to, and talked for awhile. I thought I liked him. We had sex that evening @ his space. The sex when from consensual to assault. I ended up with a rip on my inner labia. Was angry, emotionally hurt & upset but chose to see him again. I felt guilty that my first sexual interview experience was like that. He couldn’t apologize enough. My nurse practitioner also ran a rape kit. I didn’t forgive him. But I was the one who felt guilty-of having this experience. And I decided to date him. We dated off and on for 10 years. This was probably the longest trauma bond I’ve ever experienced.

Natrue

12/9/2020 11:12:43 am

I've been having a feeling of guilt but I couldn't quite blame anyone else or myself but the guilt was still there , undefined but aching " guilty-of having this experience" resonates clearly. Thank you.

Kelsey

12/9/2020 09:35:15 am

First off, I want to say that I have been getting so much from participating in this Shadow Work series, and I don’t at all take it lightly the vulnerability and trust with which you share your stories with us, Oubria. You inspire me--and it seems that you inspire others as well--to be vulnerable and trust in this space.

I have been feeling so cleared up in the past few days, thanks to the work we are doing here. I’ve not been able to connect very deeply with the energy of this card in this particular context. Yet, there are 2 parts of your post that have stood out to me very clearly and so I’ve been letting them marinate in my brain!

<i>
“...we see the Two of Cups represents the ways we publicly express our emotional blockages (which we may or may not even see or understand, since these behaviors likely originated at home before we were even aware of ourselves.) A cursory glance at the Two of Cups shows us we likely express these blockages & mysteries in our most personal, romantic relationships.”
</i>

and

<i>
“Light: Digging deep into your childhood trauma to figure out why fuckshit feels like love”
</i>

What has come to mind for me in this inquiry is how my dad used to punish my younger brother and I when we got in trouble as kids. We’d have to each go to our rooms and wait for him to come with his very thick leather belt. I didn’t know if I’d be first, or if it would be my brother. If my brother got it first, it was horrifying for me to hear him screaming and pleading from the other room. We had to pull down our pants and be bare-assed while we got spanked with this belt. Why did we have to be bare-assed? Why did he even have to hit us that way in the first place? These are questions I’ve always wondered, but have never dared to ask.

I have done a lot of work already in my life to process my feelings about how my dad used to punish us. It has definitely influenced (and created blockages for) me in how I relate with sex & intimacy. Currently, I’m noticing how it has impacted my ability to deal with confrontation, being that I really don’t like to deal with it. I will sit and suffer for a while hoping it will go away, which is exactly how I got through getting the belt.

Oubria

12/10/2020 02:46:12 am

Kelsey, thank you so much for this comment. I am so glad this work is working for you :) I relate to what you said about feeling lighter, almost like bricks being removed one by one. I had to respond to this, just to let you are not alone with that specific... whatever the hell. My dad was the exact same way, & made my sister & I "pull our pants & panties down," before getting spanked & I never understood why it had to be that way. Ever. It still makes no sense to me. Idk if its a generational thing...? Idk, idk, idk. I just wanted to validate your experience. & I hate confrontation too. Thank you for this share & all your others shares. Peace :)

Chriss

12/9/2020 11:08:24 am

Wooo Chile.

SO many of us have weird, hazy experiences around sexually from childhood. I remember waking up oo the top bunk bed. The only people in the house were my younger cousins, one older cousin and her boyfriend who was about 7 years older than her at the time...

Fast forward, that man is now her husband. In college, he starts calling me from the road (he's a truck driver) and just "checking on me. To this day, I have no idea why I ended up naked in bed at around 8 years old. Did he take something out of my cup?

I remember turning n the TV and seeing porn in my cousins room for the first time at 7. It felt weird but arousing at the same time. I ended up watching porn heavy from then throughout my teens. Being taught how to masturbate under the faucet in the bathtub soon after by a friend my age. Who taught her? I know my mom had to know even though I tried to hide it lol.

When I was 12, I engaged in a purity ceremony at my aunts church, pledging to marry jesus and stay "pure" until marriage. The church took my cup with a vice grip.

It worked, I went through my teens and most of my 20s abstaining from intercourse (dabbing a bit in some oral stuff but not much). Then at 27, I was done. I set up a date with a guy I had met on OK cupid 2 years prior who clearly wanted to F-ck me but I was holding out, per usual. We had dinner, went to his apt and did it. He didn't know he was my first and that's exactly how I wanted it. I poured out my cup in front of him, for me.

Thanks for this space, Oubria, I've never really thought of or spoken of these things before.

love to all.

12/10/2020 02:48:56 am

I share so many of these experiences (weird naked confusion, first porn at 7, giving the cup to church & taking it back). Thank you for sharing, & you are very welcome. love to you.

Tanasia

12/14/2020 05:11:50 am

Funny....I had typed out an entire story for this, and never submitted it. Maybe TMH wanted me to look a lot deeper. Anyway, for me, it was church. Church was where I was sexualized the most. I grew up with all male cousins, they never let boys look at me or say anything to me...but at church, I was THAT girl. I was tall, slim, and unaware of just how pretty I was. I had braces, I was a nerd, and I wanted to be liked more than anything. I think back to the fact that my grandmother protected me as best she could. I didn't spend the night anywhere...not even with my own mother, but I was allowed to stay with my church friend Courtney because her grandma was an Elder in the church and she was just as strict as my granny...or so we thought. Her house was the place where all of her male cousins and uncles, who were also in the church, lusted after my teenage body like hounds to a pierce of steak.
One time in particular I remember that we were at her aunt's house getting ready to go to a church event. I was in the shower, and when I came out, no one else was there except her cousin, Richard, who was aggressive and didn't care that people knew he wanted me. He verbalized it every chance he got. He didn't care that he was a 25 year old man and I was 15. I came out with a towel wrapped around me, and he took that as his chance to make a move. The crazy thing is...I remember saying no, but eventually giving in because he was 6'6" and too big to fight.
That represented the first time that I gave my body to someone when I really didn't want to. I've done it up until the time when I got married. The incidents play in my mind like a horror movie...the football player in college, my older next door neighbor....man.

12/15/2020 10:29:00 pm

My Two of Cups centers around the difficulty I have in being vulnerable in intimate relationships. I can develop strong feelings for someone but I’ll wait to say anything until I’m sure the other person feels the same way. I can be hurt, upset, irritated, tired, or uncomfortable but I won’t say anything. I’m pretty sure this comes from my relationship with my uncle. He’s 10 years older than me and he has always treated me more like his little sister than his niece. I can remember many situations as a kid when I would fall and hurt myself and he would tell me, “Don’t cry, you’re ok”. If I didn’t do too well on a test at school, he would tell me, “Don’t cry, you’re ok”. If someone teased me about my weight (which happened often when I was younger. By the time I was 14, I was 5’9” and 108lbs), he would say, “Don’t cry, you’re ok”. Over time, I learned to suppress my feelings because I knew I would always be ok. It wasn’t until the relationship with my son’s father that I began expressing my emotions freely. He encouraged me to “not be so stoic” and stop acting like things didn’t bother me. A tsunami of emotions came out of me during our relationship and most times I was not ok. We argued a lot because I was “emotionally unstable”. He encouraged me to be more open but didn't support me during the process. I’m in a space now where I don’t share very much about myself until I feel comfortable doing so. I tell myself that it’s ok to cry when I’m not ok but I don’t know that I 100% believe it. I’m a work in progress…

Dela

12/18/2020 02:09:55 pm

Sick.

My shadow for this card is I am sick and tired of comparing myself to other women in my life and being intimidated by them or threatened by their success, beauty, and confidence. This story begins when my first boyfriend (who I have been talking about althroughout this shadow work journey) broke up with me and started sleeping with this other girl with the same name as me who was also his ex.

I was like, damn...sizing her up in the name of jealous and naming all the things that she had that I did not. I was like damn, she drives, has a car, drives stickshift, has a job, and probably fucks better than i do and doesn't care about commitment. Sounds like someone my ex would want to mess around with anyway.

Then I start trying to be just that... started trying to emulate those characteristics... wanted to become her subconsciously thinking I would be able to get the love back from my ex.

Fast forward, the summer time where he started sleeping with this other chick my age. All the while, I am keeping up with who he is messing around with via Myspace. Yes, Myspace... that's how old this wound is..

And this chick was gorgous, suggestive with her clothing, showed lots of skin, was a poet, really good with her words, and was an "anti mainstream" chick. Needless to say, I was also trying to be her in hopes that my ex would notice me.

But writing all of that, I am so fucking sick and tired of trying to be someone who I am not. Or trying to be someone for the sake of someone else's attention. I should be able to be inspired by these beautiful women without feeling threatened or intimidated. I want to get there. And this work of looking at these shadows is definitely helping.

I create who I am FOR ME and NOT for nobody else.

Tee

12/22/2020 07:33:09 pm

This card made me sick too. I read this post and had to take a couple weeks away because it brought up so many memories. I'm not sure what age I had my first sexual experience but it had to be before the age of 6.

For years, I've felt guilty about some of the things me and my girl cousins used to do. I don't know who initiated the sexual activity but we were all the same age. So regardless of who started it, who showed the first one? My great grandmother caught me and another cousin "playing" with each other. Instead of telling us to stop, she told my grandmother (her daughter) someone needed to watch us.

I've always been embarrassed to admit these sexual experiences felt amazing. So amazing that I never even considered it sexual trauma even though I was only 4-6 years old. I still didn't consider it trauma when I could only get turned on by forbidden relationships. I would get bored easily with normal relationship sex. If I wasn't supposed to be doing it, then I would get excited.

Now that I'm older, I've wondered why I don't feel the urge to have sex anymore. If I masturbate, I have to watch some freaky porn. This card connected my first sexual experiences to the the forbidden. I don't know how to break that trauma bond so I can move on. I'm ready to deal with it now though, so I'm back to doing my shadow work.

Thanks for the post Oubria.

Ruth

1/4/2021 07:06:56 am

Thank you for sharing your story. And bless your sister for setting you straight on this matter! HUG
Okay, back to the task, this interpretation of the 2oC made me think of my ex-fiancé. We were constantly back and forth on things, even though he would stand me up on dates, and I hung onto it because I believed we had a deep spiritual connection and I believed the spirit told me he was "the one".

It was highly dysfunctional, and he would go back on his marriage proposal. And then step back into it, and wow. Like. Wow. Why tf did I get back together with him? I am hella grateful that he eventually stayed an ex.

40 days
of shadow work