 Y'all gon have to forgive me for posting this message three days late, but figuring out what the Most High was trying to tell me was like separating insect legs from a spider web. It was delicate, messy & took a little bit of time, but I finally got it together. In fact I think that is the overall message for the next 30 days- that despite how crazy & complicated shit may look, we will FINALLY get it together.
But first we gotta figure out what's taking so long. Disclaimer: This reading is going to include an extended analysis of the movie Boomerang with Eddie Murphy & Halle Berry so if you haven't seen it, go watch it & then come back for the message. Now then: Y'all remember Marcus Graham (played by Eddie Murphy), yes...? He was the man every man wanted to be & the man *most* women wanted to be with. He was handsome, educated, cultured, funny, charismatic, with a strong work ethic, a good job, his own place & great friends. As the movie opens, we see him pretend to lose his pretend dog "Kirby" so that a beautiful woman (played by the lovely Lela Rochon) will take pity on him & agree to a date. *Record scratch* Whyyyyy does a man as fine & accomplished as Marcus Graham need to scheme to get p***y?! Can't he just... introduce himself & ask a woman out? Idk, make it make sense. We know that Marcus is brilliant, fine, talented & accomplished, yes...? That is the objective truth. Yet as wealthy as he is (because true wealth is more than money), he makes really poor, broke, basic ass choices. Instead of being an honorable dude, he chooses to lie, scheme, manipulate, use & discard women. And as a result, he himself is lied to, schemed on, manipulated, used & discarded. But by the end of the movie, big bad Marcus has learned his lesson. He has been humbled & awakened by true love & he promises to never, ever be a jerk face again. He has gotten a "taste of his own medicine," & he & Angela (Halle Berry) walk off hand in hand into the sunset & the credits roll, the end. Ok but I bet you five dollars that Marcus will figure out a way to eff up his new start with Angela unless he gets to the root of his poor choices. Because if you get a taste of your own medicine, doesn't that mean you got a taste of the tactics you use to manage your sickness...? Ok but why are we focused on the medicine & not the sickness...? What was it about Marcus's upbringing, childhood trauma, jacked up examples of toxic masculinity & femininity, etc. that made him believe that ANY of his choices during the movie were even halfway ok, from lying to get sex, to humping Lady Eloise (Eartha Kitt) for a promotion, to seducing his boss, to sleeping with his best friend's girl, to cheating on someone who actually loved him with a weaved up thot who didn't gaf. Why was he bored by the love of a good woman, & excited by the attention of a broad who could care less? Because without searching for that true truth- without sipping that real tea, without a conscious understanding of his unconscious choices, Marcus is doomed to repeat these same toxic cycles & poor choices until...shit, until. And as for Ms. Angela- she needs to figure out why she was so hungry for attention & affection that being sloppy seconds was as acceptable as being fresh firsts. Why was it ok for Marcus to FINALLY see her as a viable option, only after she had listened to all his problems, tried endlessly to cheer him up, used her creativity to save his job, AND helped him wash all those damn dishes after Thanksgiving dinner? What the hell happened in her formative years that made her happy with receiving the bare minimum while doing the absolute most...? And why after raising her standards personally & professionally was Marcus able to get back in her good graces with a damn speech about breathing instead of any real action or proof on his part that he had finally found some act right...? And while on the subject of disrespect, why would Gerard (David Alan Grier) take Marcus back as a friend after what he did?? Must be that Gerard was used to putting his emotions aside for the sake his nearest & dearest who (like his parents) apparently have no impulse control. Bam! Bam! Bam! Pretty much everybody in this movie with a story line was pining for the love & attention of someone who could care less about their feelings, which is an issue likely rooted in their childhood. Jacqueline didn't give a fuck so Marcus wanted her, Marcus wasn't paying Angela no mind so she wanted him. Then once Angela turned cold on Marcus, he realized she was the one he wanted all along. So Angela...won...? Her & Marcus are...in love now...? Ok. So what is this "love" that Angela & Marcus have won? Because imho, it ain't love, issa habit. Issa addiction. He's addicted to wanting what he can't have (overcompensating due to hidden insecurities) & she's addicted to having what she shouldn't want (accepting bullshit due to low self worth). Both of these addictions likely grabbed hold before either Marcus or Angela were aware of them & they will continue to play out until one or both of them gets sick and tired of being sick & tired & get off the the merry go round to go figure out their shit ALONE. Over the next 30 days (& beyond tbh) we may all receive a visit from the Marcus' in our lives- folks who suddenly realize how much they love & miss us, conveniently timed with the moment we've stopped giving a damn. Or maybe we are the Marcus in this scenario. Either way, whether we are returning or being returned to, it's important to come to the conversation with a clear understanding of what happened to make the relationship fall apart in the first place. Here's the rub though- if, in your opinion, the reason why things fell apart has anything to do with the other person, you're doing it wrong. We must realize that nine out of ten times, the way we treat others & the way we allow others to treat us has nothing to do with the people we're dealing with & everything to do with the way the folks who raised us dealt with us. In other words, the fruit begins at the ROOT. And if you analyze the root & recognize the tree is rotten & accept the fruit is dead...but you can't help but have a taste for it... Honey, STARVE. Your resistance will create a new seed, which will sprout a new root, which will grow a new fruit, which you must remember to feed yourself FIRST. It won't taste like anything you've ever experienced, & that is a good thing.
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 This month we need to get wise to our own spiritual antibodies & metaphysical vaccines. They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It seems counter-intuitive, the way modern medicine doses those ounces of prevention, no...? You may ask, why would they give me a small bit of the disease that can kill me, to keep it from killing me? Well, The Art of War, that's why. Sun Tzu said, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles."
Vaccines are a form of giving you the disease's playbook, so your immune system can build a whole army of soldiers who will shut that bullshit down. Disclaimer: I am not talking about actual doctors, vaccines or antibodies. Truth be told I don't trust them at all, because Tuskegee, because Henrietta Lacks, because rampant autism in over-vaccinated brown boys. Don't @ me either, I said what I said. This is a metaphor, not a debate. Put your thinking cap on. Come to think of it, thinking caps are a lot like helmets. & You really only need helmets in times of danger, yeah...? There are three kinds of natural responses when danger lurks- you can run toward it, you can run away from it, or you can disassociate & look for distractions like Netflix, brews, blunts & sweet treats to soothe the bottomless despair. No diss or judgment regarding which response you choose- but since victory is only possible if you know yourself along with your enemy, it's important to be honest with you about you. Trust & believe your enemy has been watching & planning on you to do what you always do. The good news is if you know what you're gonna do, you lowkey already know what your enemy is going to do. But. Have you ever seen a football movie where the coach knows the other team has watched all their videos & memorized all their moves...? That's the part in the movie where he comes up with some new shit. Executes some new plays. That's a football metaphor but for consistency's sake, let's throw it back to the medical metaphor for a moment. Medically speaking, that's when the coach teaches his players how to... mutate. He teaches them how to do something the other army...er...team, would never see coming no matter how hard they watched. And when it's time to implement those new plans to defeat the enemy, how would the army...er...team, know without tipping off the other side? Signals, that's how. Symbols. Wonders. Signs of the Times. This is why paying very close attention to the Coach is so very important, because subtlety is key. When the game is at it's thickest, you must never take your eyes off your Captain. Regardless of the explosions that surround you, you mustn't be distracted from His face. Therefore this month, we cannot stress about strife or instability, for how can you study your enemy's strategies & weaponry if you don't let him attack you a little bit? Our position may appear vulnerable, but truly, it is our strength. If we are careful not to panic, we can utilize this unprecedented opportunity to pay attention, to our opponent AND our Captain. Especially our Captain. Because after He's seen all He needs to see, please believe he's finna tighten up the team & change the game. The battle is already won & victory is assured, however it remains to be seen who will or won't make the cut. Guess we better play our position. ️  Sometimes words mean one thing, but we understand them to mean another thing. For instance, the word love - to me, that word should be synonymous with freedom. However the way I've experienced the word love; from my parents, friends, partners, children, etc.- the word is actually synonymous with obedience. Not, I love you, therefore I want you to do what you want to do- but, if you loved me, you'd do what I wanted you to do.
Do you see the difference? The difference between being LOVE & being LOVED? When we were children, we were taught that in order to be loved, we had to do what our parents told us to do, when they told us to do it. Otherwise they were cold, angry, rude & judgmental. And just like the worker who gets bossed around dreams of being the boss who bosses workers around - when we got old enough to exist in love relationships outside our parents, our first order of business was to establish dominance: IF you love me, you would DO what makes me happy. And if our beloved didn't acquiesce to our demands, we were cold, angry, cold, rude & judgmental. And just like children who eventually move away from their implacable parents in order to live their own guilt-free lives, so have the people who promised to love us put distance between themselves & our mean asses, in order to live their own guilt-free lives. At this lonely, bewildering crossroads, we can arrive at one of two conclusions. We could decide that 1) No one has ever figured out how to love us or we could 2) recognize that we have never figured out how to love. For the Bible says that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always perseveres...love never fails..." Welp, that sounds dangerous & vulnerable & uncomfortable af, don't it? It sounds like Bible love can get you run over out here in these relationship streets. Its much safer to protect yourself with strict guidelines, strong boundaries, & frequent reminders about all the shit you ain't finna tolerate based on all the shit you already tolerated that you shouldn't have tolerated. Protection, safety, boundaries- these are also words that perhaps don't mean what we think they mean. For we tell ourselves these words mean we've taken the necessary steps to ensure we are secure; but strong insistence upon security indicates an underlying belief that whatever we're trying to secure is in actuality, insecure. Over the next month, we will be forced to realize that all our fancy footwork around the requirements of love is a poor disguise for the fact that we've been too weak & scared to engage with love directly. Love is a lion-hearted game & we've been playing pussycat. Do you know how mama birds make sure their little baby birds know how to fly & support themselves in the wind? She kicks their ass out the nest, that's how. She gives them something more important to focus on than fear: survival. Do you know how the Most High makes sure His little beautiful baby-lows learn how to soar spiritually & muster the strength to support themselves? He makes them fall in love, that's how. He gives them something more important to obsess over other than themselves: another. That last part of that bible verse about love says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." Expecting to be loved is proof of a childish mind. Desiring to love is evidence of maturity. Over the next 30 days, we're all being blessed with a reason to grow the fuck up. Let the church say, Amen.  The reason why we have names & addresses is so that we can get what we got coming. When our name is on a special delivery, we know for sure that it's ours; when our name is not on a special delivery, we can be sure that it's NOT ours.
Now when we know for sure that we have a treat coming, & that it has our name on it, we can get a little antsy. We want what's ours & we want it NOW! Temper tantrums are always adorable but over the next 30 days, the Most-High is not amused. We are being asked (forced, actually) to grow-the-heck-up & exercise patience. Imagine if you ordered something from an online store & every single item you picked was out of stock. So you finally settled for items that were good enough (I guess), but not exactly, perfectly right. And then imagine that as soon as you receive your delivery confirmation for all the good-enough stuff you kinda want, the store gets a brand new shipment of all the stuff you REALLY want. Your items will take longer to be sorted & delivered, but aren't they worth the wait? WAIT is the key word for February, for more reasons than one. Not only do we have to wait for our "good enough" choices to be undone, but we also have to wait for our "just right" delivery to be...delivered. Plus, there is a rather suspiciously observant neighbor across the way, who can tell we have something amazing coming, who doesn't follow the rules of paragraph 1. This neighbor doesn't need their name to be on the package because this neighbor feels fine taking other people's shit. How does this neighbor know we have something coming? Our behavior, of course. Our WHERE-IS-IT?!? tantrum can be heard in all the houses. Everyone has heard us calling Corporate, demanding to speak to the supervisor's supervisor. Therefore over the next 30 days, we must be patient, peaceful & present. If our blessings are taking too long to materialize, its because a) good things take time b) perfection takes even longer & c) the streets are watching & the delivery driver wants to make sure he puts what belongs to us in OUR hands & no one else's. This month, delayed doesn't mean denied- it means customized, personalized, certified & ACTUALIZED; for how does a rush delivery benefit us, if our order is rushed directly to a thief? We are advised to play it cool. But since the Most High knows its hard for us to pretend there is nothing to see...our performance is lovingly made more believable by the fact that there is actually nothing to see. Our gift will arrive as soon as the wrong eyes get bored watching. Wait. ❤  You know that phrase, "If you love some thing, let it go...?" (And if it comes back it loves you too & if it doesn't come back it never did or some shit like that)
That phrase should be a paragraph. An essay even. At the very least it should have bullet points or variations of the original, like if it doesn't come back hunt it down & kill it...) Because what about the waiting...? No one talks about the insufferable waiting in between loving some thing & letting it GO- & finding out whether it will come back or not. We're talking months here- years, even. And then literally the moment we get tired of waiting for fucking EVER, & give up & move on- a curious thing happens. The thing comes back! Literally, the SECOND we decide we don't give a fuck. It's SO ANNOYING. That entire previous paragraph should be an addendum to the initial phrase, btw. Also this: Did you know that if you are still holding energetic space for a person, place or thing, you have not in actuality " let it go...?" Science tells us thoughts are things that build reality, so if we think about someone, we are adding weight to their energy signature. We are literally holding onto them with our minds while simultaneously telling ourselves (with the same mind, mind you) that we've let them go. So according to the laws of the phrase, as long as we continue to think about the person, they are not free to come back & love us. Which is why they show up right when we stop giving a fuck but actually it's our fault they took so long because we spent so long giving a fuck. You see now why this phrase needs subsections? It's confusing! Basically you're supposed to forget who you want to remember & remember who you want to forget. So this month if you find yourself suddenly remembering someone, it could be they loved you enough to forget you, so you could reciprocate their love by remembering them. And if someone you've loved enough to forget shows up- You don't need me to tell you what to do. Y'all love each other, y'all know what to do...  Do y'all ever have recurring dreams? One of mine is that I'm back in high school. I'm always a little confused & reluctant in the dream, wondering what in the world is still left to learn in a space from which I've graduated.
For the month of December, I predict the inverse. In our waking lives, we are super super seniors confused about how to move the next stage already. We've done the work, passed the tests, completed the courses, yet the same damn lessons persist. We tired, boss. We're crammed outside the principal's office trying to get answers: Why the same challenges & struggles?! Why the same cycles & patterns?! Respectfully speaking, WTF?! Ain't it time for a new chapter? Can't we get new books at least? Meanwhile the Principal sits behind Her infinite desk, amused. There's a big ass sign on the door that says TEACHER INTERVIEWS TODAY, yet none of the grumbling graduates have applied. They remain outside the door wanting to be shown the next steps, oblivious to the fact that they're blocking the front of the line. There's a whole squad of freshmen behind them, with real questions & real problems, & instead of the super seniors taking charge, asserting their authority & helping out, they're standing around asking for new & better things to do. Lawd. For the next 30 days, we are being asked to wise up to our own wisdom. They say, 'When the student is ready, the teacher appears.' But what if the teacher spends the whole class waiting for the instructor like everyone else, complaining all the while they've "read all these books before?" What then? I'll tell you what then: FIRED. If you don't do your job, you lose your job. And if all the teachers-who-still-think-they're-students get fired, then the real students roam ignorant & chaos ensues. The principal is forced to abandon Her office & teach the classes Herself. For the next 30 days, if we cry out & no one one answers, that is a clue that 1) we already know the answer & 2) we're supposed to PASS IT ON. We are the ones we've been looking for. ❤  Fairytales, while wholesome & entertaining, sometimes do us a disservice because they enforce self-defeating behaviors that can low-key fuck up our lives.
Take Cinderella for example; you have a girl who was a slave to others, demeaned, ridiculed, gaslit & abused; in a desperate attempt to reclaim her autonomy she violated her morals to deceive her captors, inadvertently also deceiving the one person who could & would love her for who she truly is. Glass slipper, good old fashioned determination & happy ending aside, we often overlook the most important part of the story: these hoes were running Cinderella ragged in her own damn house. Check the facts- her stepmother & step sisters were inherited from her father's marriage. When her father died, even though the house "technically" belonged to his wife, ACTUALLY it was Cinderella's home too & she "technically" had the right to take no shit & tell those hoes to stfu. But instead of shifting into bitch mode & plotting to reclaim her estate, she defaulted to people pleasing, singing to birds, crying in her pillow & complaining to imaginary friends. Sometimes being sweet & selfless to others equals being absent & neglectful of yourself. This month, we may find ourselves in situations where we feel victimized; it will seem easier to give up & disassociate rather than boss up & assert our authority. The universe is confronting us with our perceived powerlessness so that we'll snap out of it & realize its "technically" an illusion. We are being forced to exercise our rights because "technically" we've never learned to stand up for ourselves & demand respect. In fact we've been fairytale trained to do the opposite: cower, hide, lie, wish, hope, deceive, disappear- with the magical belief that these elements will somehow alchemize into rescue. But chile ain't nobody coming, at least nobody you want. People who are in the business of rescue are "technically" slave catchers, presenting themselves as charming problem-solvers so that you will gladly leave one cage & willingly enter another. This month its best you solve your own problems, lest you start looking for pumpkin carriages, fairy godmothers & solutions from the sky. If you must play a role in a fairy tale, be the wise neighbor side-eyeing the glittery slave girl singing to mice instead of clapping back at her tormentors. For the next 30 days, if you want to walk tall amongst the freemen, the only person you can rely on is Bippity-Boppity YOU.  So here's the thing about portals: even though they are black bottomless holes that make you want to clutch the sides & linger with one leg in, you have to jump in with BOTH feet. Portals are scary but they are useful in that they are taking you Somewhere. If you don't go Somewhere you're... Nowhere.
And here's the thing about Nowhere: its an uncomfortable gray area with doubtful origins, a dream with no beginning, mystery meat. But, if you're Nowhere long enough & the only thing to eat is mystery meat, eventually you'll taste the cuisine. Before long you'll crave it. Then you'll beg & whine if someone takes it away. You'll find yourself calling the person denying you mystery meat a mean ol' meanie & you'll beg God/dess to smite them so you can eat because you're starving. And God/dess will ask, like an exhausted parent: Why in the world are you in the middle of nowhere calling me about MYSTERY MEAT? Bring your butt HOME! And then you'll snap out of it & realize you ain't even supposed to BE here. You were supposed to get your ass in the portal. Oh yeah...the portal. And upon this realization, all the old fears & clutchiness will rise - yes the portal is still dark & scary, no you don't know where it goes or how long it will take you to get there. But even as your heart thumps louder, you put in both feet this time, taking one last appreciative glance at Nowhere because it gave you the clarity you needed to be positive that ANYTHING is better than this blasted negative air space increasingly selfish with its mystery meat. Suddenly you are hungry for something real, in a place you can name, & you're determined to get there even if you tremble all the way. Just then, the meanie mystery meat keeper jumps out of the shadows! Why should s/he be the only one here?! It's the middle of nowhere for goodness sakes! How happy they were to see someone else doomed to mystery meat! What joy it brought them to make you beg! You were the only entertainment around! Wait! It's no fun if you don't plaaaaayyyyyyyyy...... WHOOSH! Its a shame you didn't hear the rest of what the resident said, but when you jumped in, they got cut off. It be like that sometimes... This month you must finish the journey no matter how much it freaks you out, no matter how much your animal brain resists. And if a permanent resident of Nowhere tries to convince you to stay, just because they've forgotten how to call God/dess on their own phone & be reminded to bring their asses home...for the love of all that awaits you (just YOU!), DON'T try to convince them to jump. Portals are personal & made for one: if they agreed, all that would happen is the same thing that's already happening: you'd both be stuck. And if they didn't agree, you would feel compelled to convince, & you'd talk & talk & talk away the courage you mustered for yourself. Night would fall & your stomach would rumble & you'd reach again for the mystery meat & the resident would gleefully snatch the plate away & say- Oh goooody. You decided to stay. Can't you see...? THAT is why I love you.  I once heard someone say the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. I'm not sure if I believe that because either way the devil is the damn devil. Can we get some new options or naw…?
Just put that in your pocket for a second. A minute back we were forced into a new beginning. Forced because when the universe asked us politely to fucking move already, we played deaf and dumb. Or maybe we weren't playing dumb because you'd have to be some sort of actual stupid to make God talk louder. At some point it behooves us to believe fat meat is frfr greasy, or hell is hot, or some other culturally brown phrase that equates to, it is what it is what it T-I-S- otherwise… Well I don't need to elaborate. We are living in the otherwise. Welcome to plan B. This is what happens when life is lurched forward through a series of emergencies because we still haven't learned to put our feelings aside long enough to plan and execute like the adults at the grownups table. Meanwhile the universe puts the goodies it was holding for us back in the oven because we're still scarfing down old mess. Dammit man! The cook feels DISRESPECTED and we can hear pots banging around in the kitchen. But sadly this tension makes us stress eat the mess already on the table. Dammit man! This is a conundrum. This is confusion. We don't want to be pressured by a perfectionist any more than the chef wants to be dismissed by a novice. This is stressful. This is uncomfortable. This makes us want to eat the mess MORE. Why…? Because it's comfort food. Now back to the question of whether the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. I still don't have an answer. And what difference does it make…? Whatever disguise the devil shows up in, you'll know him by what he offers. It will be easy. Soothing. So, so sweet. He will bring the whole gingerbread house if you're anxious enough, to fatten you up. Eat more, he'll say. You're so thin. Eventually you'll eat so much you'll forget you're at the wrong table, and you'll fall asleep, snug as a bug in a rug and wake up- in the oven. That's right little one, where did you think this was going…? So this month, remember it's better to be hungry, anxious, stressed & pressured than cozy, comfy, bloated and asleep. If you're starving, take heart that the cook is preparing something wonderful just for you. Your big appetite and empty belly is a compliment to the chef. But if you're fat and full from tricky treats, God help you. You're being stuffed for a reason.  This month is gonna start off feeling kind of fucked up, ain't no way to sugar coat that, it just is what it is. For better or worse, we've asserted our own authority in our lives but unlike Queen B and the rest of Destiny's children, our independence doesn't come with a chorus of diamond rings.
A good friend told me freedom ain't free. This month we've got to pay the cost to be the boss...but high as the price may be, having pockets full of freedom is 9 out of 10 times better than a wallet stuffed from a most successful sale of our soul, no? However while we plod ever onward, head bowed with struggle, we will be pleasantly surprised to end up exactly where we wanted to be. Pleasantly surprised is actually an understatement...we shall be overjoyed! Amazed! Relieved! Blissed! Ecstatic! Well that sentence took a dramatic turn, which is exactly how we might describe this month. This will be the month where everything changes, and a switcheroo of this caliber will definitely herald (drum roll please) DRAMA. The good kind, though. The kind that brings happy tears and becomes our favorite story to tell. And now we have to talk about the other side of the coin. Remember when I said our hardship would be a result of asserting our own authority…? Remember when I said we had to pay the cost to be the boss…? Well the subtext of that text is that our actions have dethroned someone who perhaps felt the cost to remain the boss was too damn high. Bottom line, the crown we place upon our head, we took from another. The question becomes, did we steal the crown...or did we steal it BACK? Because royalty is always royalty whether they live in the castle or not. Plus we couldn't have paid to sit in the driver's seat if the bus wasn't for sale. The title is now rightfully ours. We earned it. We deserve it. Going forward, the only thing we won't be able to buy is confidence, because it will cost us everything to realize how priceless we truly are. But no matter how many people tell us we belong on the throne, the seat won't feel right until are self-assured of our own power. This month, regardless of how worthless we used to feel, we better own that shit. Werk. |
by Oubriaa monthly message, alchemized from the tarot cards, seasoned with intuition and life experience, served with love (sometimes with a side of spicy cussin) Archives
May 2020
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