 Do y'all ever have recurring dreams? One of mine is that I'm back in high school. I'm always a little confused & reluctant in the dream, wondering what in the world is still left to learn in a space from which I've graduated.
For the month of December, I predict the inverse. In our waking lives, we are super super seniors confused about how to move the next stage already. We've done the work, passed the tests, completed the courses, yet the same damn lessons persist. We tired, boss. We're crammed outside the principal's office trying to get answers: Why the same challenges & struggles?! Why the same cycles & patterns?! Respectfully speaking, WTF?! Ain't it time for a new chapter? Can't we get new books at least? Meanwhile the Principal sits behind Her infinite desk, amused. There's a big ass sign on the door that says TEACHER INTERVIEWS TODAY, yet none of the grumbling graduates have applied. They remain outside the door wanting to be shown the next steps, oblivious to the fact that they're blocking the front of the line. There's a whole squad of freshmen behind them, with real questions & real problems, & instead of the super seniors taking charge, asserting their authority & helping out, they're standing around asking for new & better things to do. Lawd. For the next 30 days, we are being asked to wise up to our own wisdom. They say, 'When the student is ready, the teacher appears.' But what if the teacher spends the whole class waiting for the instructor like everyone else, complaining all the while they've "read all these books before?" What then? I'll tell you what then: FIRED. If you don't do your job, you lose your job. And if all the teachers-who-still-think-they're-students get fired, then the real students roam ignorant & chaos ensues. The principal is forced to abandon Her office & teach the classes Herself. For the next 30 days, if we cry out & no one one answers, that is a clue that 1) we already know the answer & 2) we're supposed to PASS IT ON. We are the ones we've been looking for. ❤
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 Fairytales, while wholesome & entertaining, sometimes do us a disservice because they enforce self-defeating behaviors that can low-key fuck up our lives.
Take Cinderella for example; you have a girl who was a slave to others, demeaned, ridiculed, gaslit & abused; in a desperate attempt to reclaim her autonomy she violated her morals to deceive her captors, inadvertently also deceiving the one person who could & would love her for who she truly is. Glass slipper, good old fashioned determination & happy ending aside, we often overlook the most important part of the story: these hoes were running Cinderella ragged in her own damn house. Check the facts- her stepmother & step sisters were inherited from her father's marriage. When her father died, even though the house "technically" belonged to his wife, ACTUALLY it was Cinderella's home too & she "technically" had the right to take no shit & tell those hoes to stfu. But instead of shifting into bitch mode & plotting to reclaim her estate, she defaulted to people pleasing, singing to birds, crying in her pillow & complaining to imaginary friends. Sometimes being sweet & selfless to others equals being absent & neglectful of yourself. This month, we may find ourselves in situations where we feel victimized; it will seem easier to give up & disassociate rather than boss up & assert our authority. The universe is confronting us with our perceived powerlessness so that we'll snap out of it & realize its "technically" an illusion. We are being forced to exercise our rights because "technically" we've never learned to stand up for ourselves & demand respect. In fact we've been fairytale trained to do the opposite: cower, hide, lie, wish, hope, deceive, disappear- with the magical belief that these elements will somehow alchemize into rescue. But chile ain't nobody coming, at least nobody you want. People who are in the business of rescue are "technically" slave catchers, presenting themselves as charming problem-solvers so that you will gladly leave one cage & willingly enter another. This month its best you solve your own problems, lest you start looking for pumpkin carriages, fairy godmothers & solutions from the sky. If you must play a role in a fairy tale, be the wise neighbor side-eyeing the glittery slave girl singing to mice instead of clapping back at her tormentors. For the next 30 days, if you want to walk tall amongst the freemen, the only person you can rely on is Bippity-Boppity YOU.  So here's the thing about portals: even though they are black bottomless holes that make you want to clutch the sides & linger with one leg in, you have to jump in with BOTH feet. Portals are scary but they are useful in that they are taking you Somewhere. If you don't go Somewhere you're... Nowhere.
And here's the thing about Nowhere: its an uncomfortable gray area with doubtful origins, a dream with no beginning, mystery meat. But, if you're Nowhere long enough & the only thing to eat is mystery meat, eventually you'll taste the cuisine. Before long you'll crave it. Then you'll beg & whine if someone takes it away. You'll find yourself calling the person denying you mystery meat a mean ol' meanie & you'll beg God/dess to smite them so you can eat because you're starving. And God/dess will ask, like an exhausted parent: Why in the world are you in the middle of nowhere calling me about MYSTERY MEAT? Bring your butt HOME! And then you'll snap out of it & realize you ain't even supposed to BE here. You were supposed to get your ass in the portal. Oh yeah...the portal. And upon this realization, all the old fears & clutchiness will rise - yes the portal is still dark & scary, no you don't know where it goes or how long it will take you to get there. But even as your heart thumps louder, you put in both feet this time, taking one last appreciative glance at Nowhere because it gave you the clarity you needed to be positive that ANYTHING is better than this blasted negative air space increasingly selfish with its mystery meat. Suddenly you are hungry for something real, in a place you can name, & you're determined to get there even if you tremble all the way. Just then, the meanie mystery meat keeper jumps out of the shadows! Why should s/he be the only one here?! It's the middle of nowhere for goodness sakes! How happy they were to see someone else doomed to mystery meat! What joy it brought them to make you beg! You were the only entertainment around! Wait! It's no fun if you don't plaaaaayyyyyyyyy...... WHOOSH! Its a shame you didn't hear the rest of what the resident said, but when you jumped in, they got cut off. It be like that sometimes... This month you must finish the journey no matter how much it freaks you out, no matter how much your animal brain resists. And if a permanent resident of Nowhere tries to convince you to stay, just because they've forgotten how to call God/dess on their own phone & be reminded to bring their asses home...for the love of all that awaits you (just YOU!), DON'T try to convince them to jump. Portals are personal & made for one: if they agreed, all that would happen is the same thing that's already happening: you'd both be stuck. And if they didn't agree, you would feel compelled to convince, & you'd talk & talk & talk away the courage you mustered for yourself. Night would fall & your stomach would rumble & you'd reach again for the mystery meat & the resident would gleefully snatch the plate away & say- Oh goooody. You decided to stay. Can't you see...? THAT is why I love you.  I once heard someone say the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. I'm not sure if I believe that because either way the devil is the damn devil. Can we get some new options or naw…?
Just put that in your pocket for a second. A minute back we were forced into a new beginning. Forced because when the universe asked us politely to fucking move already, we played deaf and dumb. Or maybe we weren't playing dumb because you'd have to be some sort of actual stupid to make God talk louder. At some point it behooves us to believe fat meat is frfr greasy, or hell is hot, or some other culturally brown phrase that equates to, it is what it is what it T-I-S- otherwise… Well I don't need to elaborate. We are living in the otherwise. Welcome to plan B. This is what happens when life is lurched forward through a series of emergencies because we still haven't learned to put our feelings aside long enough to plan and execute like the adults at the grownups table. Meanwhile the universe puts the goodies it was holding for us back in the oven because we're still scarfing down old mess. Dammit man! The cook feels DISRESPECTED and we can hear pots banging around in the kitchen. But sadly this tension makes us stress eat the mess already on the table. Dammit man! This is a conundrum. This is confusion. We don't want to be pressured by a perfectionist any more than the chef wants to be dismissed by a novice. This is stressful. This is uncomfortable. This makes us want to eat the mess MORE. Why…? Because it's comfort food. Now back to the question of whether the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. I still don't have an answer. And what difference does it make…? Whatever disguise the devil shows up in, you'll know him by what he offers. It will be easy. Soothing. So, so sweet. He will bring the whole gingerbread house if you're anxious enough, to fatten you up. Eat more, he'll say. You're so thin. Eventually you'll eat so much you'll forget you're at the wrong table, and you'll fall asleep, snug as a bug in a rug and wake up- in the oven. That's right little one, where did you think this was going…? So this month, remember it's better to be hungry, anxious, stressed & pressured than cozy, comfy, bloated and asleep. If you're starving, take heart that the cook is preparing something wonderful just for you. Your big appetite and empty belly is a compliment to the chef. But if you're fat and full from tricky treats, God help you. You're being stuffed for a reason.  This month is gonna start off feeling kind of fucked up, ain't no way to sugar coat that, it just is what it is. For better or worse, we've asserted our own authority in our lives but unlike Queen B and the rest of Destiny's children, our independence doesn't come with a chorus of diamond rings.
A good friend told me freedom ain't free. This month we've got to pay the cost to be the boss...but high as the price may be, having pockets full of freedom is 9 out of 10 times better than a wallet stuffed from a most successful sale of our soul, no? However while we plod ever onward, head bowed with struggle, we will be pleasantly surprised to end up exactly where we wanted to be. Pleasantly surprised is actually an understatement...we shall be overjoyed! Amazed! Relieved! Blissed! Ecstatic! Well that sentence took a dramatic turn, which is exactly how we might describe this month. This will be the month where everything changes, and a switcheroo of this caliber will definitely herald (drum roll please) DRAMA. The good kind, though. The kind that brings happy tears and becomes our favorite story to tell. And now we have to talk about the other side of the coin. Remember when I said our hardship would be a result of asserting our own authority…? Remember when I said we had to pay the cost to be the boss…? Well the subtext of that text is that our actions have dethroned someone who perhaps felt the cost to remain the boss was too damn high. Bottom line, the crown we place upon our head, we took from another. The question becomes, did we steal the crown...or did we steal it BACK? Because royalty is always royalty whether they live in the castle or not. Plus we couldn't have paid to sit in the driver's seat if the bus wasn't for sale. The title is now rightfully ours. We earned it. We deserve it. Going forward, the only thing we won't be able to buy is confidence, because it will cost us everything to realize how priceless we truly are. But no matter how many people tell us we belong on the throne, the seat won't feel right until are self-assured of our own power. This month, regardless of how worthless we used to feel, we better own that shit. Werk.  If this week had a catch phrase, it would be "turnabout is fair play…" and now I gotta go Google that phrase because as many times as I've heard it, typing it out just now I realize I don't really know what it means.
But I know what I think it means. I think it means that the rules by which you win are sometimes the rules by which you lose...and vice versa...and that's fair. What isn't fair is to only want to play the game if it's rigged to our advantage. We are not invincible. Being willing to lose is a show of humanity, and proof that win OR lose, we respect the players and the game. An effective leader is not one who is perfect...a leader who tries to appear perfect only inspires jealousy and spite because they are a walking reminder of what their followers could never become. An effective leader is transparent about their flaws & vulnerabilities so their followers know that failure is not a hindrance to success. I'm not sure how this ventured into leadership...but I guess that's a message too. The best leaders don't know how they even got in that position because they were too busy doing their work to notice a crowd gather. Sort of like Forest Gump who just felt like running…but because he seemed to know where he was going, the lost followed his footsteps hoping he'd lead them to themselves. Except they didn't realize Forrest wasn't running to or from or for anything, except himself alone. This week, we can't run behind Forrest anymore, ‘cause Forrest wants to slow down and turn around...maybe take the scenic route and enjoy the view. The cool thing is that without Forrest leading the pack, those who keep going can go in any direction they want. Forrest is no longer the north star. And if we are Forrest in this scenario and we feel the people watching, expecting...we can't let their expectations make us afraid to reverse our steps and go the other way, no matter how far we've already gone. At this point, we're running (or resting...or sleeping...or speaking) for ourselves and no one else. For better or worse, we are finally free to blaze our own trail. Or not. ❤  Soooo...this week is literally about moving on. There are ways in which we committed ourselves to fighting a particular fight...but we were so deep in the fray we failed to realize the battle was already won. We may look up and see we slapped a few innocent bystanders who were only trying to ring the victory bell loud enough for us to hear it. That's the thing about war- collateral damage is always in hindsight. As we survey the rubble of our kingdom, it's time to decide what structures will...or won't be rebuilt.
Once we remove our armor, shower & settle down, a different sort of war begins. People may approach the throne expecting us to be who we were...but we have been rearranged in battle. For better or worse, we are different now. Whereas we used to wait until immediate danger to unsheath our sword, now it never leaves our hands. Hindsight may be 20/20 but foresight is x-ray vision. That's the benefit of destruction, actually. There is nothing left to hide behind. Who/whatever it is, we see it coming.  This week..and for the next few weeks, Mars is in Leo. In the tarot, Mars (the Tower Card) in Leo (the Strength card) is known as the 7 of wands. So even though the energy looks like we're simply maintaining our inner equilibrium by standing up for ourselves, it's going to feel like keeping a goddamn lion from freaking out while nearby a tower falls and burns.
Have any among us wrestled our own fear and anger...and won? Whomever didn't get that particular badge in the scouts, your opportunity is coming. Spoiler alert: you got this! But this isn't even about that. This week is about the soldier who's trying to sneak back on the battlefield after cussing out the captain because he/she realized "those losers" finna be winners after all. Now I'm not saying the defectors don't deserve what they got coming...just that we gotta put our weapons down before we engage. This is a battle-is-not-yours-it's-the-Lord's kind of situation so there's nothing we could do to them even if we tried. The boss wishes to deal with them directly. Plus the war was never with them. Their return is actually a good sign. It means with or without them...we won.  Y'all know issa lot going on this week right…? A new moon, the crescendo of the North node/ South node axis, a solar eclipse, annnnd Mercury is going retrograde. If we thought the first half of this year was a doozy, hang on tight cause we ain't seen nothing yet. Literally. We ain't SEEN nothing yet, but we FEEL everything all of the time, and the drastic difference between what we see & what we feel is driving us effing nutz. We've become complacent with cognitive dissonance because...what else are we supposed to do? But worry not, because this summer storm of the gods is dragging all the things we felt in the dark right out into the light. We finna finally have proof that we ain't now, nor have we ever been crazy. Whatever we've felt that will now be seen, might throw some of our relationships off balance. It was for this reason that the powers that be, in their infinite wisdom, kept the proof from us for so long. This week marks a definitive before & after, and while the "before" was perplexing, the "after" finna be a full out hot mess. But like a bloody birth that culminates in a slippery child, we 'gon be so happy to receive justice for all our pain, that the discomfort will become a distant memory. Also, we need to remember that sometimes the struggles we carry aren't ours alone, but our ancestors' too. And the same goes for blessings, when the struggle is done. If we've been given more burdens that we could carry (but we carried them anyway!), we finna get more heavenly love & appreciation than we know what to do with. We'll figure it out though. That's one thing we know how to do, is figure it out. ❤  This week is about movement, possibly at the last minute. We've been using our creativity & passionate fire in super stagnant ways...and like a little kid mad that mama has 50eleven folk to talk to after church, the universe is READY TO GO. Plus Mercury is already in its retrograde shadow so shit's finna start slowing down. You know those passive aggressive signs that say, "Lack of preparation on your part is not an emergency on mine…?" Its like that. Our metaphorical gas tank is on 'E' and we've got places to go and people to see...but nobody is offering gas money cus they saw us sit idle so long.
But fuck them and their gas money. Where we're going, we don't need roads. The universe is determined to move us along even if it has to use rocket fuel. When God powers our movements, cars become spaceships, ya dig? The explosion required to power this propulsion will feel very much like an emergency, but we gon' be so happy with the trajectory that instead of tightening our seat belts, we're gonna stick our fool head out the window and memorize the view. You remember that one Star Wars movie (I forget which one…) when Han'nem thought they landed right quick on a desolate planet but it was really the belly of a beast? This week, as we get lifted out of dodge, we gon' look back one last time and break into happy tears that 1) we getting the fuck on and 2) we never knew how bad was the shit we were stuck in till we saw it in the rearview mirrow. Truly, ignorance is bliss. |
by Oubriaa monthly message, alchemized from the tarot cards, seasoned with intuition and life experience, served with love (sometimes with a side of spicy cussin) Archives
December 2019
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