sick

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​Y'all gon have to forgive me for posting this message three days late, but figuring out what the Most High was trying to tell me was like separating insect legs from a spider web. It was delicate, messy & took a little bit of time, but I finally got it together. In fact I think that is the overall message for the next 30 days- that despite how crazy & complicated shit may look, we will FINALLY get it together.

But first we gotta figure out what's taking so long. 

Disclaimer: This reading is going to include an extended analysis of the movie Boomerang with Eddie Murphy & Halle Berry so if you haven't seen it, go watch it & then come back for the message.

Now then: Y'all remember Marcus Graham (played by Eddie Murphy), yes...? He was the man every man wanted to be & the man *most* women wanted to be with. He was handsome, educated, cultured, funny, charismatic, with a strong work ethic, a good job, his own place & great friends. 

As the movie opens, we see him pretend to lose his pretend dog "Kirby" so that a beautiful woman (played by the lovely Lela Rochon) will take pity on him & agree to a date. 

*Record scratch* Whyyyyy does a man as fine & accomplished as Marcus Graham need to scheme to get p***y?! Can't he just... introduce himself & ask a woman out? Idk, make it make sense.

We know that Marcus is brilliant, fine, talented & accomplished, yes...? That is the objective truth. Yet as wealthy as he is (because true wealth is more than money), he makes really poor, broke, basic ass choices. Instead of being an honorable dude, he chooses to lie, scheme, manipulate, use & discard women. And as a result, he himself is lied to, schemed on, manipulated, used & discarded. 

But by the end of the movie, big bad Marcus has learned his lesson. He has been humbled & awakened by true love & he promises to never, ever be a jerk face again. He has gotten a "taste of his own medicine," & he & Angela (Halle Berry) walk off hand in hand into the sunset & the credits roll, the end. 

Ok but I bet you five dollars that Marcus will figure out a way to eff up his new start with Angela unless he gets to the root of his poor choices. Because if you get a taste of your own medicine, doesn't that mean you got a taste of the tactics you use to manage your sickness...? Ok but why are we focused on the medicine & not the sickness...? What was it about Marcus's upbringing, childhood trauma, jacked up examples of toxic masculinity & femininity, etc. that made him believe that ANY of his choices during the movie were even halfway ok, from lying to get sex, to humping Lady Eloise (Eartha Kitt) for a promotion, to seducing his boss, to sleeping with his best friend's girl, to cheating on someone who actually loved him with a weaved up thot who didn't gaf. Why was he bored by the love of a good woman, & excited by the attention of a broad who could care less? Because without searching for that true truth- without sipping that real tea, without a conscious understanding of his unconscious choices, Marcus is doomed to repeat these same toxic cycles & poor choices until...shit, until.

And as for Ms. Angela- she needs to figure out why she was so hungry for attention & affection that being sloppy seconds was as acceptable as being fresh firsts. Why was it ok for Marcus to FINALLY see her as a viable option, only after she had listened to all his problems, tried endlessly to cheer him up, used her creativity to save his job, AND helped him wash all those damn dishes after Thanksgiving dinner? What the hell happened in her formative years that made her happy with receiving the bare minimum while doing the absolute most...? And why after raising her standards personally & professionally was Marcus able to get back in her good graces with a damn speech about breathing instead of any real action or proof on his part that he had finally found some act right...? 

And while on the subject of disrespect, why would Gerard (David Alan Grier) take Marcus back as a friend after what he did?? Must be that Gerard was used to putting his emotions aside for the sake his nearest & dearest who (like his parents) apparently have no impulse control. Bam! Bam! Bam! 

Pretty much everybody in this movie with a story line was pining for the love & attention of someone who could care less about their feelings, which is an issue likely rooted in their childhood. Jacqueline didn't give a fuck so Marcus wanted her, Marcus wasn't paying Angela no mind so she wanted him. Then once Angela turned cold on Marcus, he realized she was the one he wanted all along. So Angela...won...? Her & Marcus are...in love now...? Ok.

So what is this "love" that Angela & Marcus have won? Because imho, it ain't love, issa habit. Issa addiction. He's addicted to wanting what he can't have (overcompensating due to hidden insecurities) & she's addicted to having what she shouldn't want (accepting bullshit due to low self worth). Both of these addictions likely grabbed hold before either Marcus or Angela were aware of them & they will continue to play out until one or both of them gets sick and tired of being sick & tired & get off the the merry go round to go figure out their shit ALONE.

Over the next 30 days (& beyond tbh) we may all receive a visit from the Marcus' in our lives- folks who suddenly realize how much they love & miss us, conveniently timed with the moment we've stopped giving a damn. Or maybe we are the Marcus in this scenario. 

Either way, whether we are returning or being returned to, it's important to come to the conversation with a clear understanding of what happened to make the relationship fall apart in the first place. Here's the rub though- if, in your opinion,  the reason why things fell apart has anything to do with the other person, you're doing it wrong. We must realize that nine out of ten times, the way we treat others & the way we allow others to treat us has nothing to do with the people we're dealing with & everything to do with the way the folks who raised us dealt with us. In other words, the fruit begins at the ROOT.

And if you analyze the root & recognize the tree is rotten & accept the fruit is dead...but you can't help but have a taste for it... 

Honey, STARVE.

Your resistance will create a new seed, which will sprout a new root, which will grow a new fruit, which you must remember to feed yourself FIRST. It won't taste like anything you've ever experienced, & that is a good thing.