Sometimes when I shuffle the cards for the Monthly Word, I hear messages. This time I heard: “Count your blessings, not your money.” Welp.

One thing I’ve learned about blessings AND money, is that they both come from the same source: relationships. All forms of currency, whether earned (money) or unearned (blessings), exist only in transference from one person, or conduit, to another. 

Money is kind of predictable. In most cases, you know how you got it, you know exactly what you can & can’t do with it, & (ideally) you know how or when you can get some more. 

Blessings on the other hand are unpredictable. You don’t know how you got them, & you aren’t positive what you can or will do with them, & you have no idea how or when you can get some more.

Money is a timing thing, hence the phrase, “time is money.” Money is currency, which is nearly identical to the word “currently.” The word “currently,” is a couple letters longer than the word, “current,” which defines what is NOW (currently) happening, but also defines the movement of water, i.e. the ebb & flow of the tides. The tide comes & goes just like money. Therefore, as long as the sun continues to rise & fall, and as long as the moon orbits the earth, then the tides, & the current ( i.e.  the ebb & flow of currency) is guaranteed. You don’t have to watch the waves to know that as surely as they go out, they will be back. The tide is time, is clockwork. What goes around, comes around, what is spent will be replaced, forever & ever Amen. 

However blessings are not a cycle (like money), blessings are a storm. You don’t see blessings coming & just as quickly they are gone. They are sudden, powerful, whimsical, illogical. A blessing demands to be watched, thunders for your attention, screams for a moment of your eternal awe & then disappears into placidity as if it never was, like childhood. Like children.

This month, the Most High asks us why we spend so much time watching our money instead of our blessings, when one is statistics & the other is fireworks. 

The Most High wonders why we are like busy parents herding our kids through a crowd, distractedly counting the same dollars in our wallet, while paying no attention to the fact that the loved ones we came with are disappearing into the fray one by one. The Most High wonders how we would feel if we arrived home with a wallet full of dollar bills and our babies grown & gone.

This month, perspective is needed. We are called to ponder the cost of the priceless, & ask ourselves why we are fixated on coins when we already have SO MANY THINGS no amount of money could buy.

The assumption that blessings are unpredictable is only half true, by the way. It is true that the timing & circumstances of their arrival is uncertain, but the length of their stay is exact & inextricably tied to our level of attention to & appreciation of their presence. When blessings (like children) don’t feel seen, loved & appreciated, they tend to wander off when nobody’s watching. The Most High doesn’t send storms of goodness for them to sit around & be ignored.

Therefore, we are encouraged to stop counting our eggs when we need to be feeding our chickens.

And on the flip side, if we are the chicken & folks full from our yolk keep counting our eggs without giving a cluck, we are encouraged to shut it down & starve ‘em out. 

This month, what is not loved will surely be lost, & what is not appreciated will be dried up & given away. 

Luckily it’s free to pay attention. (It’s a blessing, actually.) ​

Beloveds please forgive the monthly reading being late once again. I pulled the cards for the collective days ago, wrote a rough draft, & then was inundated with a series of mildly fortunate-disguised-as-frustrating events which prevented me from putting out the final copy, & then when I went to put the reading up, I realized the energy had shifted (full moon/ eclipse/ retrogrades, oh my...). So I pulled the cards again & the message was totally different, & (imo) better. 

I lowkey think that is the message.

Feel me- 

A minute back we asked the Most High for something. Even if we didn't ask for it out loud, the quiet longings of our heart yearned a prayer into the cosmos. Whatever it was we wanted was too fantastic to hope for, yet too wonderful not to dream, so we indulged ourselves a bit. If you're a kid & you want a pony but you know you're not going to get a pony, there's no harm in letting your imagination run away with you a bit, yeah? Might as well ask for two ponies... better yet, a unicorn family with rainbow hooves... better yet, the unicorn family is the starring act in a travelling circus, complete with games (where we always win the prizes), unlimited rides on the Ferris wheel, laser tag, bottomless cotton candy, & free nachos for all. Since there's not a risk of  fantasy becoming reality, we might as well dream big, if for no other reason than it makes the hours go by.

You know what else makes the hours go by...? Adulting. Details. A thousand tiny disappointments piling like sticks. Distractions. Sleep. Resignation. Working hard & then working harder. The sudden shock of results. The slow growth of patience. The realization that the meantime is the only time there is. Acceptance. Lemonade. Laundry. Grace. 

Sidenote: Y'all know I love my movie metaphors. Have y'all ever seen the movie "Practical Magic...?" Among other things, its about a woman-who-when-she-was-a-girl, decided she never wanted to fall in love. To make sure of it, she wished for an impossible partner: someone who could hear her call from miles away, with one green eye & one blue. She figured if she gave her soul to someone she'd never meet, then her heart could never be broken. Then she grew up & married a perfectly nice, brown eyed man, & that man died. The woman grew very depressed, &  threw herself into her work & her children to keep her head above the wave of sadness that threatened constantly to drown. And then wonder of wonders, through a series of mildly-fortunate-disguised-as-terrible events, the blue eyed/ green eyed man she'd wished for arrived perplexed on her doorstep. 

Have you ever heard the Rumi quote, "What you are seeking is also seeking you...?" 

In the month of July, against all odds, we may hear faintly carousel music in the wind, or whiff the scent of freshly roasted peanuts. There could also be a series of inexplicable rainbow hoof imprints rumored through the town. Despite the joy threatening our bellies, skepticism will be our most natural response.

Be that as it may, a self-conscious circus master (people tend to stare at his eyes) is searching high & low for a spot to graze his ponies, & the empty field next door to our quaint little house is the best spot for miles around. We might want to pluck some lemons off our tree & make a tall pitcher of cool drink, since he's hot & thirsty & headed this way.

Imagine that. ​

​Y'all gon have to forgive me for posting this message three days late, but figuring out what the Most High was trying to tell me was like separating insect legs from a spider web. It was delicate, messy & took a little bit of time, but I finally got it together. In fact I think that is the overall message for the next 30 days- that despite how crazy & complicated shit may look, we will FINALLY get it together.

But first we gotta figure out what's taking so long. 

Disclaimer: This reading is going to include an extended analysis of the movie Boomerang with Eddie Murphy & Halle Berry so if you haven't seen it, go watch it & then come back for the message.

Now then: Y'all remember Marcus Graham (played by Eddie Murphy), yes...? He was the man every man wanted to be & the man *most* women wanted to be with. He was handsome, educated, cultured, funny, charismatic, with a strong work ethic, a good job, his own place & great friends. 

As the movie opens, we see him pretend to lose his pretend dog "Kirby" so that a beautiful woman (played by the lovely Lela Rochon) will take pity on him & agree to a date. 

*Record scratch* Whyyyyy does a man as fine & accomplished as Marcus Graham need to scheme to get p***y?! Can't he just... introduce himself & ask a woman out? Idk, make it make sense.

We know that Marcus is brilliant, fine, talented & accomplished, yes...? That is the objective truth. Yet as wealthy as he is (because true wealth is more than money), he makes really poor, broke, basic ass choices. Instead of being an honorable dude, he chooses to lie, scheme, manipulate, use & discard women. And as a result, he himself is lied to, schemed on, manipulated, used & discarded. 

But by the end of the movie, big bad Marcus has learned his lesson. He has been humbled & awakened by true love & he promises to never, ever be a jerk face again. He has gotten a "taste of his own medicine," & he & Angela (Halle Berry) walk off hand in hand into the sunset & the credits roll, the end. 

Ok but I bet you five dollars that Marcus will figure out a way to eff up his new start with Angela unless he gets to the root of his poor choices. Because if you get a taste of your own medicine, doesn't that mean you got a taste of the tactics you use to manage your sickness...? Ok but why are we focused on the medicine & not the sickness...? What was it about Marcus's upbringing, childhood trauma, jacked up examples of toxic masculinity & femininity, etc. that made him believe that ANY of his choices during the movie were even halfway ok, from lying to get sex, to humping Lady Eloise (Eartha Kitt) for a promotion, to seducing his boss, to sleeping with his best friend's girl, to cheating on someone who actually loved him with a weaved up thot who didn't gaf. Why was he bored by the love of a good woman, & excited by the attention of a broad who could care less? Because without searching for that true truth- without sipping that real tea, without a conscious understanding of his unconscious choices, Marcus is doomed to repeat these same toxic cycles & poor choices until...shit, until.

And as for Ms. Angela- she needs to figure out why she was so hungry for attention & affection that being sloppy seconds was as acceptable as being fresh firsts. Why was it ok for Marcus to FINALLY see her as a viable option, only after she had listened to all his problems, tried endlessly to cheer him up, used her creativity to save his job, AND helped him wash all those damn dishes after Thanksgiving dinner? What the hell happened in her formative years that made her happy with receiving the bare minimum while doing the absolute most...? And why after raising her standards personally & professionally was Marcus able to get back in her good graces with a damn speech about breathing instead of any real action or proof on his part that he had finally found some act right...? 

And while on the subject of disrespect, why would Gerard (David Alan Grier) take Marcus back as a friend after what he did?? Must be that Gerard was used to putting his emotions aside for the sake his nearest & dearest who (like his parents) apparently have no impulse control. Bam! Bam! Bam! 

Pretty much everybody in this movie with a story line was pining for the love & attention of someone who could care less about their feelings, which is an issue likely rooted in their childhood. Jacqueline didn't give a fuck so Marcus wanted her, Marcus wasn't paying Angela no mind so she wanted him. Then once Angela turned cold on Marcus, he realized she was the one he wanted all along. So Angela...won...? Her & Marcus are...in love now...? Ok.

So what is this "love" that Angela & Marcus have won? Because imho, it ain't love, issa habit. Issa addiction. He's addicted to wanting what he can't have (overcompensating due to hidden insecurities) & she's addicted to having what she shouldn't want (accepting bullshit due to low self worth). Both of these addictions likely grabbed hold before either Marcus or Angela were aware of them & they will continue to play out until one or both of them gets sick and tired of being sick & tired & get off the the merry go round to go figure out their shit ALONE.

Over the next 30 days (& beyond tbh) we may all receive a visit from the Marcus' in our lives- folks who suddenly realize how much they love & miss us, conveniently timed with the moment we've stopped giving a damn. Or maybe we are the Marcus in this scenario. 

Either way, whether we are returning or being returned to, it's important to come to the conversation with a clear understanding of what happened to make the relationship fall apart in the first place. Here's the rub though- if, in your opinion,  the reason why things fell apart has anything to do with the other person, you're doing it wrong. We must realize that nine out of ten times, the way we treat others & the way we allow others to treat us has nothing to do with the people we're dealing with & everything to do with the way the folks who raised us dealt with us. In other words, the fruit begins at the ROOT.

And if you analyze the root & recognize the tree is rotten & accept the fruit is dead...but you can't help but have a taste for it... 

Honey, STARVE.

Your resistance will create a new seed, which will sprout a new root, which will grow a new fruit, which you must remember to feed yourself FIRST. It won't taste like anything you've ever experienced, & that is a good thing.

​Sometimes words mean one thing, but we understand them to mean another thing. For instance, the word love - to me, that word should be synonymous with freedom. However the way I've experienced the word love; from my parents, friends, partners, children, etc.- the word is actually synonymous with obedience. Not, I love you, therefore I want you to do what you want to do- but, if you loved me, you'd do what I wanted you to do.

Do you see the difference? The difference between being LOVE & being LOVED?

When we were children, we were taught that in order to be loved, we had to do what our parents told us to do, when they told us to do it. Otherwise they were cold, angry, rude & judgmental. And just like the worker who gets bossed around dreams of being the boss who bosses workers around - when we got old enough to exist in love relationships outside our parents, our first order of business was to establish dominance: IF you love me, you would DO what makes me happy. And if our beloved didn't acquiesce to our demands, we were cold, angry, cold, rude & judgmental. And just like children who eventually move away from their implacable parents in order to live their own guilt-free lives, so have the people who promised to love us put distance between themselves & our mean asses, in order to live their own guilt-free lives. 

At this lonely, bewildering crossroads, we can arrive at one of two conclusions. We could decide that 1) No one has ever figured out how to love us or we could 2) recognize that we have never figured out how to love. For the Bible says that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always perseveres...love never fails..."

Welp, that sounds dangerous & vulnerable & uncomfortable af, don't it? It sounds like Bible love can get you run over out here in these relationship streets. Its much safer to protect yourself with strict guidelines, strong boundaries, & frequent reminders about all the shit you ain't finna tolerate based on all the shit you already tolerated that you shouldn't have tolerated. 

Protection, safety, boundaries- these are also words that perhaps don't mean what we think they mean. For we tell ourselves these words mean we've taken the necessary steps to ensure we are secure; but strong insistence upon security indicates an underlying belief that whatever we're trying to secure is in actuality, insecure.

Over the next month, we will be forced to realize that all our fancy footwork around the requirements of love is a poor disguise for the fact that we've been too weak & scared to engage with love directly. Love is a lion-hearted game & we've been playing pussycat. Do you know how mama birds make sure their little baby birds know how to fly & support themselves in the wind? She kicks their ass out the nest, that's how. She gives them something more important to focus on than fear: survival.

Do you know how the Most High makes sure His little beautiful baby-lows learn how to soar spiritually & muster the strength to support themselves? He makes them fall in love, that's how. He gives them something more important to obsess over other than themselves: another.

That last part of that bible verse about love says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

Expecting to be loved is proof of a childish mind. Desiring to love is evidence of maturity.

Over the next 30 days, we're all being blessed with a reason to grow the fuck up.  

Let the church say, Amen.

Do y'all ever have recurring dreams? One of mine is that I'm back in high school. I'm always a little confused & reluctant in the dream, wondering what in the world is still left to learn in a space from which I've graduated.

For the month of December, I predict the inverse. In our waking lives, we are super super seniors confused about how to move the next stage already. We've done the work, passed the tests, completed the courses, yet the same damn lessons persist. We tired, boss. We're crammed outside the principal's office trying to get answers: Why the same challenges & struggles?! Why the same cycles & patterns?! Respectfully speaking, WTF?!

Ain't it time for a new chapter? Can't we get new books at least?

Meanwhile the Principal sits behind Her infinite desk, amused. There's a big ass sign on the door that says TEACHER INTERVIEWS TODAY, yet none of the grumbling graduates have applied. They remain outside the door wanting to be shown the next steps, oblivious to the fact that they're blocking the front of the line. There's a whole squad of freshmen behind them, with real questions & real problems, & instead of the super seniors taking charge, asserting their authority & helping out, they're standing around asking for new & better things to do.

Lawd.

For the next 30 days, we are being asked to wise up to our own wisdom. They say, 'When the student is ready, the teacher appears.' But what if the teacher spends the whole class waiting for the instructor like everyone else, complaining all the while they've "read all these books before?" What then?

I'll tell you what then: FIRED. If you don't do your job, you lose your job. And if all the teachers-who-still-think-they're-students get fired, then the real students roam ignorant & chaos ensues. The principal is forced to abandon Her office & teach the classes Herself.

For the next 30 days, if we cry out & no one one answers, that is a clue that 1) we already know the answer & 2) we're supposed to PASS IT ON.

We are the ones we've been looking for. ❤