merry me

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This month we have to talk about the difference between being nice & being real (especially during the holiday season). When my daughters were toddlers they were spicy af (they still are tbh). It used to throw my mama off & she would always reprimand them with, Don't you want to be NICE little girls? & they would tuck themselves in a bit (around Grandma) but as soon as Grandma was gone, they were back spicy again. I didn't like watching my babies contort themselves into two different people so one day I told my mama, I'm not raising them to be nice, I'm raising them to be themselves. Maybe they are just not nice & that's ok. Seriously, my oldest daughter told me in every Disney movie she watched, she related more to the evil queens than the princesses, because the queens were powerful & the princesses were weak. Even back then she intuitively knew that people may villainize her for standing in her power but she could not relate to... not standing in her power. 

My mama looked at me like I was crazy when I told her my girls don't have to be nice & I get it; my mama was born in 1945 & from her generation's perspective, being black & mean = dead. However from my generation's perspective, being black & nice can also = dead, so you might as well be yourself & live or die with respect. (This isn't about race tho)
 
Speaking of respect- according to Google, the word is defined as: due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others. This definition sounds simple enough, but just like the words "going home," there are hidden implications. For instance, what is "due regard?" Google defines "due" as expected or planned at a certain time, & "regard" as attention to, or concern for something. So that means that at a "planned or certain time," respect is shown by "showing attention or concern," to the "feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others." 

So on the flip side, not giving af when someone else believes you're "supposed" to give af is disrespectful. Interesting. 

But what if you really, truly, honestly aren't interested? What if being your authentic self means acknowledging & expressing (through heartfelt apathy) that you just can't care on cue, even if "holidays," are the "expected time to regard the traditions of others?" In this case, a sign of respect (to others) means being fake as a four-dollar bill.

So...what about showing respect to yourself? Google defines "self respect" as "a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity." Which means that during the holidays, many of us have to choose between respecting others & respecting ourselves because how can you "feel as if you're behaving with honor & dignity," if you're cringing behind your mask?
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But in the reverse, anyone who would ask you to dis-respect yourself as a show of respect to them, doesn't respect you in the first place, because if they did, they would "show attention or concern," to your "feelings, wishes & rights." 

Lowkey, this post is giving me a headache. Wordplay & conjecture is exhausting. Y'all know what I'm trying to say if & if you don't already, more paragraphs won't help. What's understood doesn't have to be explained (which is a clue for your post-holiday plans).

This month remember that your skinfolk & your kinfolk are not always the same people. After "respectfully" spending quality time with your family,  you'll recognize your tribe as those sitting gratefully alone, massaging their temples & pinching the bridge of their nose.

One of you will ask, how was it?  & The other will answer, nice.