paid

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I used to watch a show on HBO called Weeds, & there was a scene where a teenaged boy named Silas told his deaf girlfriend, "I love you." To which she replied, "You fucking better." It was funny because she had that speech impediment that many deaf people have when they can't hear to adjust the sound of their own voice. You would think she'd be insecure but she was far from it. Whereas some girls more genetically fortunate might respond, "You do?! I love you too!", feeling lucky to be loved, this inexplicably secure child wasn't confused at all about who was the prize in their relationship.


One of the reasons she was so confident was because she worked her ass off despite her disability. She'd faced & conquered obstacles that gained her own respect. It was this inborn bad-assery that got her accepted to a prestigious ivy league university, & her beloved was NOT happy for her. He knew he hadn't worked hard enough to join her, so for the sake of loooooove, he asked her to stay behind. She was like, boy bye LOL. Not to be deterred, he switched tactics. He told her they needed to get busy as much as possible before she left, to preemptively make up for the time they'd be apart. Then he poked holes in all his condoms, & she was pregnant by mid-summer. His plan backfired of course- her father forced her to get an abortion, beat Silas up, banned him from her life, & packed her fast ass off to school a few weeks early. Welp. I guess real life happens when you're making other plans.

This anecdote is a metaphor for the perspective we should hold this month. We've graduated from asking whether or not we are loved (of COURSE we are loved! What's not to love??) - but a better question is, what kind of love is this? What is the quality of this love? What effect does this love have on my life? 

In the tarot, love is represented by water. You know that phrase, "Water seeks its own level...?" It's like that. No matter how much someone loves you or you love them, if y'all ain't flowing from the same source or seeking the same end, winding up together means somebody has to sink or somebody has to rise, or both. Otherwise, separation is natural (but not necessarily forever). 

With the couple from Weeds, they actually did end up together. Several seasons later, they randomly bumped into each other & he confessed she was the only woman he'd ever loved. They were in much different places in their lives than before; she was an accomplished, degreed professional, & he was a highly sought after, hard working herbal entrepreneur. Suddenly the water between them didn't require stagnation or manipulation & it just... flowed. They got married, had their baby & enjoyed a pretty good life. 

But imagine what would have happened if lil' his plan had worked...? Imagine if she'd agreed to stay home from college, or had their baby before her time? Their relationship would have been fraught with resentment, insecurity, rage. As soon as the going got tough, she would have disassociated, wishing she had chosen differently, & he would have lashed out, demanding she prove she still thought him worth the sacrifice. And somewhere a baby would be crying. 

Shout out to the young girl's father, the real OG of the story. As the original source of his daughter's self-esteem & impressive accomplishments, he was not about to let some wayward, half-raised child mess up all his hard work. He did what he had to do to get that young man the hell away from his daughter, as he should. Over the next thirty days, if we find ourselves wondering whatever happened to that person who was supposed to love us (never mind how we had to flip the dimmer switch lest we shine too bright on our beloved), DON'T. If they gone, it's because Daddy wanted them gone. If nothing else, the Most High protects His investments. You cannot lowball God's children. You cannot covet a holy treasure so much that you damage it to win by default. That's called stealing & shoplifters will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 


This month, as we learn the difference between those who want us & those who can afford us, we are meant to bask in our worthiness.

(& know that one way or another, somebody gon' pay...)