Sometimes words mean one thing, but we understand them to mean another thing. For instance, the word love - to me, that word should be synonymous with freedom. However the way I've experienced the word love; from my parents, friends, partners, children, etc.- the word is actually synonymous with obedience. Not, I love you, therefore I want you to do what you want to do- but, if you loved me, you'd do what I wanted you to do.
Do you see the difference? The difference between being LOVE & being LOVED?
When we were children, we were taught that in order to be loved, we had to do what our parents told us to do, when they told us to do it. Otherwise they were cold, angry, rude & judgmental. And just like the worker who gets bossed around dreams of being the boss who bosses workers around - when we got old enough to exist in love relationships outside our parents, our first order of business was to establish dominance: IF you love me, you would DO what makes me happy. And if our beloved didn't acquiesce to our demands, we were cold, angry, cold, rude & judgmental. And just like children who eventually move away from their implacable parents in order to live their own guilt-free lives, so have the people who promised to love us put distance between themselves & our mean asses, in order to live their own guilt-free lives.
At this lonely, bewildering crossroads, we can arrive at one of two conclusions. We could decide that 1) No one has ever figured out how to love us or we could 2) recognize that we have never figured out how to love. For the Bible says that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always perseveres...love never fails..."
Welp, that sounds dangerous & vulnerable & uncomfortable af, don't it? It sounds like Bible love can get you run over out here in these relationship streets. Its much safer to protect yourself with strict guidelines, strong boundaries, & frequent reminders about all the shit you ain't finna tolerate based on all the shit you already tolerated that you shouldn't have tolerated.
Protection, safety, boundaries- these are also words that perhaps don't mean what we think they mean. For we tell ourselves these words mean we've taken the necessary steps to ensure we are secure; but strong insistence upon security indicates an underlying belief that whatever we're trying to secure is in actuality, insecure.
Over the next month, we will be forced to realize that all our fancy footwork around the requirements of love is a poor disguise for the fact that we've been too weak & scared to engage with love directly. Love is a lion-hearted game & we've been playing pussycat. Do you know how mama birds make sure their little baby birds know how to fly & support themselves in the wind? She kicks their ass out the nest, that's how. She gives them something more important to focus on than fear: survival.
Do you know how the Most High makes sure His little beautiful baby-lows learn how to soar spiritually & muster the strength to support themselves? He makes them fall in love, that's how. He gives them something more important to obsess over other than themselves: another.
That last part of that bible verse about love says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."
Expecting to be loved is proof of a childish mind. Desiring to love is evidence of maturity.
Over the next 30 days, we're all being blessed with a reason to grow the fuck up.
Let the church say, Amen.
The reason why we have names & addresses is so that we can get what we got coming. When our name is on a special delivery, we know for sure that it's ours; when our name is not on a special delivery, we can be sure that it's NOT ours.
Now when we know for sure that we have a treat coming, & that it has our name on it, we can get a little antsy. We want what's ours & we want it NOW! Temper tantrums are always adorable but over the next 30 days, the Most-High is not amused. We are being asked (forced, actually) to grow-the-heck-up & exercise patience.
Imagine if you ordered something from an online store & every single item you picked was out of stock. So you finally settled for items that were good enough (I guess), but not exactly, perfectly right. And then imagine that as soon as you receive your delivery confirmation for all the good-enough stuff you kinda want, the store gets a brand new shipment of all the stuff you REALLY want. Your items will take longer to be sorted & delivered, but aren't they worth the wait?
WAIT is the key word for February, for more reasons than one. Not only do we have to wait for our "good enough" choices to be undone, but we also have to wait for our "just right" delivery to be...delivered. Plus, there is a rather suspiciously observant neighbor across the way, who can tell we have something amazing coming, who doesn't follow the rules of paragraph 1. This neighbor doesn't need their name to be on the package because this neighbor feels fine taking other people's shit.
How does this neighbor know we have something coming? Our behavior, of course. Our WHERE-IS-IT?!? tantrum can be heard in all the houses. Everyone has heard us calling Corporate, demanding to speak to the supervisor's supervisor.
Therefore over the next 30 days, we must be patient, peaceful & present. If our blessings are taking too long to materialize, its because a) good things take time b) perfection takes even longer & c) the streets are watching & the delivery driver wants to make sure he puts what belongs to us in OUR hands & no one else's.
This month, delayed doesn't mean denied- it means customized, personalized, certified & ACTUALIZED; for how does a rush delivery benefit us, if our order is rushed directly to a thief?
We are advised to play it cool. But since the Most High knows its hard for us to pretend there is nothing to see...our performance is lovingly made more believable by the fact that there is actually nothing to see. Our gift will arrive as soon as the wrong eyes get bored watching.
You know that phrase, "If you love some thing, let it go...?" (And if it comes back it loves you too & if it doesn't come back it never did or some shit like that)
That phrase should be a paragraph. An essay even. At the very least it should have bullet points or variations of the original, like if it doesn't come back hunt it down & kill it...)
Because what about the waiting...? No one talks about the insufferable waiting in between loving some thing & letting it GO- & finding out whether it will come back or not. We're talking months here- years, even. And then literally the moment we get tired of waiting for fucking EVER, & give up & move on- a curious thing happens. The thing comes back! Literally, the SECOND we decide we don't give a fuck.
It's SO ANNOYING.
That entire previous paragraph should be an addendum to the initial phrase, btw.
Also this: Did you know that if you are still holding energetic space for a person, place or thing, you have not in actuality " let it go...?" Science tells us thoughts are things that build reality, so if we think about someone, we are adding weight to their energy signature. We are literally holding onto them with our minds while simultaneously telling ourselves (with the same mind, mind you) that we've let them go. So according to the laws of the phrase, as long as we continue to think about the person, they are not free to come back & love us.
Which is why they show up right when we stop giving a fuck but actually it's our fault they took so long because we spent so long giving a fuck.
You see now why this phrase needs subsections? It's confusing! Basically you're supposed to forget who you want to remember & remember who you want to forget.
So this month if you find yourself suddenly remembering someone, it could be they loved you enough to forget you, so you could reciprocate their love by remembering them.
And if someone you've loved enough to forget shows up-
You don't need me to tell you what to do. Y'all love each other, y'all know what to do...
Do y'all ever have recurring dreams? One of mine is that I'm back in high school. I'm always a little confused & reluctant in the dream, wondering what in the world is still left to learn in a space from which I've graduated.
For the month of December, I predict the inverse. In our waking lives, we are super super seniors confused about how to move the next stage already. We've done the work, passed the tests, completed the courses, yet the same damn lessons persist. We tired, boss. We're crammed outside the principal's office trying to get answers: Why the same challenges & struggles?! Why the same cycles & patterns?! Respectfully speaking, WTF?!
Ain't it time for a new chapter? Can't we get new books at least?
Meanwhile the Principal sits behind Her infinite desk, amused. There's a big ass sign on the door that says TEACHER INTERVIEWS TODAY, yet none of the grumbling graduates have applied. They remain outside the door wanting to be shown the next steps, oblivious to the fact that they're blocking the front of the line. There's a whole squad of freshmen behind them, with real questions & real problems, & instead of the super seniors taking charge, asserting their authority & helping out, they're standing around asking for new & better things to do.
For the next 30 days, we are being asked to wise up to our own wisdom. They say, 'When the student is ready, the teacher appears.' But what if the teacher spends the whole class waiting for the instructor like everyone else, complaining all the while they've "read all these books before?" What then?
I'll tell you what then: FIRED. If you don't do your job, you lose your job. And if all the teachers-who-still-think-they're-students get fired, then the real students roam ignorant & chaos ensues. The principal is forced to abandon Her office & teach the classes Herself.
For the next 30 days, if we cry out & no one one answers, that is a clue that 1) we already know the answer & 2) we're supposed to PASS IT ON.
We are the ones we've been looking for. ❤
Fairytales, while wholesome & entertaining, sometimes do us a disservice because they enforce self-defeating behaviors that can low-key fuck up our lives.
Take Cinderella for example; you have a girl who was a slave to others, demeaned, ridiculed, gaslit & abused; in a desperate attempt to reclaim her autonomy she violated her morals to deceive her captors, inadvertently also deceiving the one person who could & would love her for who she truly is.
Glass slipper, good old fashioned determination & happy ending aside, we often overlook the most important part of the story: these hoes were running Cinderella ragged in her own damn house. Check the facts- her stepmother & step sisters were inherited from her father's marriage. When her father died, even though the house "technically" belonged to his wife, ACTUALLY it was Cinderella's home too & she "technically" had the right to take no shit & tell those hoes to stfu. But instead of shifting into bitch mode & plotting to reclaim her estate, she defaulted to people pleasing, singing to birds, crying in her pillow & complaining to imaginary friends. Sometimes being sweet & selfless to others equals being absent & neglectful of yourself.
This month, we may find ourselves in situations where we feel victimized; it will seem easier to give up & disassociate rather than boss up & assert our authority. The universe is confronting us with our perceived powerlessness so that we'll snap out of it & realize its "technically" an illusion. We are being forced to exercise our rights because "technically" we've never learned to stand up for ourselves & demand respect. In fact we've been fairytale trained to do the opposite: cower, hide, lie, wish, hope, deceive, disappear- with the magical belief that these elements will somehow alchemize into rescue.
But chile ain't nobody coming, at least nobody you want. People who are in the business of rescue are "technically" slave catchers, presenting themselves as charming problem-solvers so that you will gladly leave one cage & willingly enter another. This month its best you solve your own problems, lest you start looking for pumpkin carriages, fairy godmothers & solutions from the sky. If you must play a role in a fairy tale, be the wise neighbor side-eyeing the glittery slave girl singing to mice instead of clapping back at her tormentors.
For the next 30 days, if you want to walk tall amongst the freemen, the only person you can rely on is Bippity-Boppity YOU.
So here's the thing about portals: even though they are black bottomless holes that make you want to clutch the sides & linger with one leg in, you have to jump in with BOTH feet. Portals are scary but they are useful in that they are taking you Somewhere. If you don't go Somewhere you're... Nowhere.
And here's the thing about Nowhere: its an uncomfortable gray area with doubtful origins, a dream with no beginning, mystery meat. But, if you're Nowhere long enough & the only thing to eat is mystery meat, eventually you'll taste the cuisine. Before long you'll crave it. Then you'll beg & whine if someone takes it away. You'll find yourself calling the person denying you mystery meat a mean ol' meanie & you'll beg God/dess to smite them so you can eat because you're starving. And God/dess will ask, like an exhausted parent: Why in the world are you in the middle of nowhere calling me about MYSTERY MEAT? Bring your butt HOME!
And then you'll snap out of it & realize you ain't even supposed to BE here. You were supposed to get your ass in the portal. Oh yeah...the portal. And upon this realization, all the old fears & clutchiness will rise - yes the portal is still dark & scary, no you don't know where it goes or how long it will take you to get there. But even as your heart thumps louder, you put in both feet this time, taking one last appreciative glance at Nowhere because it gave you the clarity you needed to be positive that ANYTHING is better than this blasted negative air space increasingly selfish with its mystery meat. Suddenly you are hungry for something real, in a place you can name, & you're determined to get there even if you tremble all the way.
Just then, the meanie mystery meat keeper jumps out of the shadows! Why should s/he be the only one here?! It's the middle of nowhere for goodness sakes! How happy they were to see someone else doomed to mystery meat! What joy it brought them to make you beg! You were the only entertainment around! Wait! It's no fun if you don't plaaaaayyyyyyyyy......
WHOOSH! Its a shame you didn't hear the rest of what the resident said, but when you jumped in, they got cut off. It be like that sometimes...
This month you must finish the journey no matter how much it freaks you out, no matter how much your animal brain resists. And if a permanent resident of Nowhere tries to convince you to stay, just because they've forgotten how to call God/dess on their own phone & be reminded to bring their asses home...for the love of all that awaits you (just YOU!), DON'T try to convince them to jump. Portals are personal & made for one: if they agreed, all that would happen is the same thing that's already happening: you'd both be stuck. And if they didn't agree, you would feel compelled to convince, & you'd talk & talk & talk away the courage you mustered for yourself. Night would fall & your stomach would rumble & you'd reach again for the mystery meat & the resident would gleefully snatch the plate away & say-
Oh goooody. You decided to stay. Can't you see...? THAT is why I love you.
I once heard someone say the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. I'm not sure if I believe that because either way the devil is the damn devil. Can we get some new options or naw…?
Just put that in your pocket for a second. A minute back we were forced into a new beginning. Forced because when the universe asked us politely to fucking move already, we played deaf and dumb. Or maybe we weren't playing dumb because you'd have to be some sort of actual stupid to make God talk louder. At some point it behooves us to believe fat meat is frfr greasy, or hell is hot, or some other culturally brown phrase that equates to, it is what it is what it T-I-S- otherwise…
Well I don't need to elaborate. We are living in the otherwise. Welcome to plan B. This is what happens when life is lurched forward through a series of emergencies because we still haven't learned to put our feelings aside long enough to plan and execute like the adults at the grownups table. Meanwhile the universe puts the goodies it was holding for us back in the oven because we're still scarfing down old mess.
Dammit man! The cook feels DISRESPECTED and we can hear pots banging around in the kitchen. But sadly this tension makes us stress eat the mess already on the table. Dammit man!
This is a conundrum. This is confusion. We don't want to be pressured by a perfectionist any more than the chef wants to be dismissed by a novice. This is stressful. This is uncomfortable. This makes us want to eat the mess MORE.
Why…? Because it's comfort food. Now back to the question of whether the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. I still don't have an answer. And what difference does it make…? Whatever disguise the devil shows up in, you'll know him by what he offers. It will be easy. Soothing. So, so sweet. He will bring the whole gingerbread house if you're anxious enough, to fatten you up. Eat more, he'll say. You're so thin.
Eventually you'll eat so much you'll forget you're at the wrong table, and you'll fall asleep, snug as a bug in a rug and wake up-
in the oven. That's right little one, where did you think this was going…?
So this month, remember it's better to be hungry, anxious, stressed & pressured than cozy, comfy, bloated and asleep. If you're starving, take heart that the cook is preparing something wonderful just for you. Your big appetite and empty belly is a compliment to the chef.
But if you're fat and full from tricky treats, God help you.
You're being stuffed for a reason.
This month is gonna start off feeling kind of fucked up, ain't no way to sugar coat that, it just is what it is. For better or worse, we've asserted our own authority in our lives but unlike Queen B and the rest of Destiny's children, our independence doesn't come with a chorus of diamond rings.
A good friend told me freedom ain't free. This month we've got to pay the cost to be the boss...but high as the price may be, having pockets full of freedom is 9 out of 10 times better than a wallet stuffed from a most successful sale of our soul, no?
However while we plod ever onward, head bowed with struggle, we will be pleasantly surprised to end up exactly where we wanted to be. Pleasantly surprised is actually an understatement...we shall be overjoyed! Amazed! Relieved! Blissed! Ecstatic!
Well that sentence took a dramatic turn, which is exactly how we might describe this month. This will be the month where everything changes, and a switcheroo of this caliber will definitely herald (drum roll please) DRAMA.
The good kind, though. The kind that brings happy tears and becomes our favorite story to tell.
And now we have to talk about the other side of the coin. Remember when I said our hardship would be a result of asserting our own authority…? Remember when I said we had to pay the cost to be the boss…? Well the subtext of that text is that our actions have dethroned someone who perhaps felt the cost to remain the boss was too damn high. Bottom line, the crown we place upon our head, we took from another. The question becomes, did we steal the crown...or did we steal it BACK? Because royalty is always royalty whether they live in the castle or not.
Plus we couldn't have paid to sit in the driver's seat if the bus wasn't for sale. The title is now rightfully ours. We earned it. We deserve it. Going forward, the only thing we won't be able to buy is confidence, because it will cost us everything to realize how priceless we truly are. But no matter how many people tell us we belong on the throne, the seat won't feel right until are self-assured of our own power.
This month, regardless of how worthless we used to feel, we better own that shit.
If this week had a catch phrase, it would be "turnabout is fair play…" and now I gotta go Google that phrase because as many times as I've heard it, typing it out just now I realize I don't really know what it means.
But I know what I think it means. I think it means that the rules by which you win are sometimes the rules by which you lose...and vice versa...and that's fair. What isn't fair is to only want to play the game if it's rigged to our advantage. We are not invincible. Being willing to lose is a show of humanity, and proof that win OR lose, we respect the players and the game. An effective leader is not one who is perfect...a leader who tries to appear perfect only inspires jealousy and spite because they are a walking reminder of what their followers could never become. An effective leader is transparent about their flaws & vulnerabilities so their followers know that failure is not a hindrance to success.
I'm not sure how this ventured into leadership...but I guess that's a message too. The best leaders don't know how they even got in that position because they were too busy doing their work to notice a crowd gather. Sort of like Forest Gump who just felt like running…but because he seemed to know where he was going, the lost followed his footsteps hoping he'd lead them to themselves. Except they didn't realize Forrest wasn't running to or from or for anything, except himself alone.
This week, we can't run behind Forrest anymore, ‘cause Forrest wants to slow down and turn around...maybe take the scenic route and enjoy the view. The cool thing is that without Forrest leading the pack, those who keep going can go in any direction they want. Forrest is no longer the north star. And if we are Forrest in this scenario and we feel the people watching, expecting...we can't let their expectations make us afraid to reverse our steps and go the other way, no matter how far we've already gone. At this point, we're running (or resting...or sleeping...or speaking) for ourselves and no one else.
For better or worse, we are finally free to blaze our own trail. Or not. ❤
Soooo...this week is literally about moving on. There are ways in which we committed ourselves to fighting a particular fight...but we were so deep in the fray we failed to realize the battle was already won. We may look up and see we slapped a few innocent bystanders who were only trying to ring the victory bell loud enough for us to hear it. That's the thing about war- collateral damage is always in hindsight. As we survey the rubble of our kingdom, it's time to decide what structures will...or won't be rebuilt.
Once we remove our armor, shower & settle down, a different sort of war begins. People may approach the throne expecting us to be who we were...but we have been rearranged in battle. For better or worse, we are different now. Whereas we used to wait until immediate danger to unsheath our sword, now it never leaves our hands.
Hindsight may be 20/20 but foresight is x-ray vision. That's the benefit of destruction, actually. There is nothing left to hide behind.
Who/whatever it is, we see it coming.
a monthly message, alchemized from the tarot cards, seasoned with intuition and life experience, served with love (sometimes with a side of spicy cussin)