First, a quote: "The Lady doth protest too much methinks," is a line from Shakespeare's Hamlet, where a woman's dramatic insistence that she would never remarry if her husband died, actually indicates the opposite is true- that she would remarry in an instant. In other words, the very thing you keep saying you would never do, is exactly what you want to do & it's clear as day.
Now a warning: STOP IT. You can't hide what (who) you're doing. You think you can but you can't. You think you can't help yourself because whatever this temptation is always around you. You think it's impossible. I'm here to tell you now that stopping NOW is as easy as it's going to get. If you continue, it will be harder to stop & things will get worse & you will get stuck. You don't have to keep going through this shit. Enough is enough. There is something waiting for you & it is wonderful, but it won't come to you. You have to go to IT. And it won't wait forever.
Ok, now a metaphor: You have an interview for the perfect position. The job is as good as yours, all you have to do is show up. On the way there, your car breaks down. The interviewer tells you they'll wait, & as long as you make it in three hours, it's still all good. You accept the fact that you have to walk. If you take the straight & narrow path, it will take you two & 1/2 hours. You'll just barely make it, but you'll make it, & you'll be clean and calm. However there is a shortcut where you'll get there in an hour. You'll have to walk through a field of mud but you'll have time to shower before your interview. Plenty of time, you tell yourself. Except on the muddy path, you hit a rough patch. Your foot sinks & your shoe gets stuck. You spend a great deal of time trying to free yourself & in the end, you realize you have to leave the shoe & limp the rest of the way. Now you won't have time to shower, AND you only have one shoe, & you're physically covered in mud. This impression drastically changes the opinion of the interviewer (despite the fact that you're the perfect person for the job), & now all is lost- your shoe, your job, your time, the interviewer's time, your reputation, your hopes, your dreams, your car.
Finally, a summary: No shortcuts in 2021. Stay on the up & up no matter how long it takes. Otherwise the consequences are unimaginable. And remember that telling everybody what you're not going to do is not the same as just...not doing it.
(There's still time.)
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